Every girl I ask out "already has a boyfriend."

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Hey all....... back after a few months.

I feel so frustrated as every girl I've asked out in the past 4 months "already has a boyfriend." Indeed, I know and understand that when a girl tells you she already has a boyfriend, that that is often just the polite standard social code for rejecting you cleanly.

I can definitely tell the difference though, just in "tone" and the reaction when a girl might actually already be in a relationship, or when she is just telling you she has a boyfriend to shut you down. I've asked out 4 girls in the last 4 months....... and 2 I think were already dating somebody in a real relationship and thus were no-gos. However, I think the other 2 I asked out were single, but they just cut immediately to the regular social line of saying they "already had a boyfriend."

I just don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I know I have AS, but still, I feel like I should at least be able to get SOMETHING going on. Its so frustrating, disheartening, and discouraging. I see so many other guys with girls, and it seemed like it happened all so easy for them....... like they got a girlfriend as easy as buying groceries or pumping gas. Why the heck is EVERY attractive girl "taken."

Also, it wasn't like I just went up and asked out girls totally out of the blue. I really tried to chat with them all first, and be very genuine and try and build real connections and flirt. (I was not "going through the motions,") All I can say is that I was giving making conversations and trying to make real connections every effort I had and every ounce of my being. I know for a fact I was "doing everything right."............... I school, my hygiene is/was impeccable, I dress well, speak well, and was introducing myself well. I don't think I was "trying too hard" either. I truly don't know why it just "won't happen" for me........... I know by now its just something intangible about me.

I can't even get my foot in the door. I'm 27, and I've never even kissed a girl, been out on a date, been accepted for a date, had sex (needless to say.) Its all the more puzzling as I feel like I even SHOULD be doing these things, but I feel like at my age, my window-of-opportunity is shutting so rapidly. I am absolutely desperate (but I try very hard not to give off this vibe.)

I just don't understand why it has to be this way for me, and why my straits are so dire in the romance department. It sucks so bad as I just can't "make it happen" with any girl for some reason. I can elaborate more, but for the sake of brevity, I'll wrap it up here and respond or elaborate if anybody has any thoughts on this for me.

Thanks.

(edit) - also, in case someone brings this up, I was also asking out very "normal" girls, and none of the girls I asked out were any who would be perceived as being well "out of my league." Also, this is not just a small sample size over the last 4 girls I've asked out, but over my entire life, I think 95% of all girls I've ever asked out have said they are already dating someone else.

I'm not going to suggest you try this, but I have a thought or two in this one...

At one point in my life I had a severe rebound period after breaking up with a girl I'd been with for 6 years. Short story is things just got ugly and I couldn't take it anymore. I turned Don Juan for a while and developed a taste for seducing girls already in relationships. I had mixed results. One girl I went after but ended up not sleeping with was just fed up with the relationship she was in. She eventually fessed up before they split, which made things a little awkward for me, especially since not much really came of it. The bf in that case was relieved because I happened to be an active member of the frat he wanted to pledge and he didn't like the idea that I could have blackballed him! I wouldn't have done that anyway, but he didn't know me well enough at the time. Even worse...my little bro was insanely in love with her, and I couldn't talk her into giving him a chance. She ended up dating another one of my frat bros after that. I've never quite understood how it is girls get passed around like that, but it happens.

Anyway, back to the point. Another girl I did have sex with a few times was living with her bf while they both worked their way through college. It was another case of being utterly dissatisfied and in need of something new and exciting. I don't think he ever found out about it, but I also think it was the best thing that happened to them. They ended up working things out temporarily until he graduated with his MBA. But then he moved back with his parents and left the picture. She ended up with some guy who was into all the kinky stuff she likes and that I'm not into.

I really could have stolen either of those two, but I also recognized that it would not have ended up being a very good or meaningful relationship. I did steal one girl from her bf and ended up marrying her and getting her pregnant...score!

What you have to remember here is that very few relationships are built to last. Sooner or later something will go wrong. In my experience, if a girl told me she "needed some space" or just wanted to see other people for a while, it was a safe bet she was already seeing someone and cheating on me. NOT the reason why I became a relationship wrecking ball, btw. But I figure if girls will be fickle in a relationship with me, they're likely fickle with everyone. It's just a matter of time. If these girls really do have bfs and are still willing to hang out with you, you already have a foot in the door. Be patient and take an occasional calculated risk every now and then. If you do manage to lock lips even just one time with a girl who is supposedly taken, she's already having second thoughts about the relationship she's in.

The thing you really have to remember about stealing girls from other guys is that if you can do that to someone, someone else can do it to you. Don't be shocked when the inevitable happens. Same principle applies if the girl is highly attractive. When I left home for two years, I made peace with the fact I couldn't reasonably expect my gf to stay true the whole time. The way I played it was by keeping constant contact while at the same time encouraging her to be intimate with some of the guys who kept trying to pick her up. We ended up getting back together when it was all over with and getting married and are completely different people now.

I would not suggest that stealing someone from a SO is the best thing to do. But I also think we are culturally conditioned to believe that we are all, male or female, in control and thus, from that perspective, a girl can't really be stolen unless it's really what she wants. You shouldn't let that intimidate you or keep you from trying, because it could always be a girl is looking for a way out of the relationship she's in and just hasn't come to terms with the fact the relationship really is already over. Any girl willing to just hang out with you, even if she's friend-zoning you and/or already has a bf, is potential gf material whether either of you admits it or not. Give it time, and seize the initiative when the time is right. You might be surprised just how far a girl is willing to go even if she thinks she's taken.

Good luck, and happy hunting. Personally, I think pretending to have a bf just to get you off her scent is a b!tchy thing to do. I couldn't ever be with a girl like that.

^ Possibly........... i don't really know how to "have confidence." I think I will just never have confidence and it is all hopless for me.

When I wrote above about "not trying too hard," that was also what I meant about trying not to exude and not wafting desperation, but I'm beginning to think the lack of confidence hangs around my neck like a millstone.

I've even had mild acquaintances in my life tell me right out of the blue that I "have no confidence." Not even people I know well, but co-workers and the like casually observing me and telling me to my face I just 'have no confidence," and I even know full well I am more self-assured than the image I project to the rest of the world. I've tried VERY HARD in my life to build up a sense of confidence, or to at least pretend like I have it for short bursts, but I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO HAVE CONFIDENCE. How do you get confident?

Its like no matter what I do, I just can't find confidence. Mabye some people know about this as I'm on the verge of giving up. What makes it even 10x worse as I see almost everybody else SUCCEEDING at dating, or at least getting dates, and these are people I think I am definitely more eligible than.

I just really don't know how to have confidence. Its like even if I am feeling ok, I just can not present a confident vibe, no matter what I do. I would think though even by the process of elimination, even just by asking out dozens of girls, at least 1 after process-of-elimination would finally agree to go out with me, even if I had poor confidence in my first impression. I just truly think I have no hope at this point and I should just crawl under a rock and die as there is something terribly wrong with me for no one to even give me a chance.

I could see if i was even at least getting dates and getting rejected while in the middle stages of a relationship, but I can't even get ONE girl to agree to go out with me. And I don't think I'm a bad looking guy either, and I've totally mastered being as "NT" as possible for prolonged stages of time, and no one would know I had AS unless I told them or they were around me for a while.

Sorry for going on for so long, but this is really grinding my gears tonight.

Penguin I feel ya. I am in the same league as you, but you probably asked out tons more girls than I have.

The answer to getting confidence? I don't think there is answer. I wouldn't listen to anybody claiming they know. People who give advice are as*holes in my opinion.

I tend to take girls seriously when they say they have bf. I take it as they aren't interested in me in that way, or they really do already have a boyfriend.

I don't want to steal another guy's girl (if I was even capable of such trickery), I think that is f****d up, and I wouldn't want it happening to me.

Then again I haven't been with a girl before, but yes I take things very literally in that regard.

I have been friend-zoned before with zero chance, so f**k that. Im not hanging around like a wimp. I would rather just f**k off

ok, OP... so your plan didn't work. why don't you go back through your old threads and try the advice we gave you back then?

Although I'm no expert on confidence and don't claim to be so from personal experience I would say that confidence is derived from being good at something whether it by sports or art and being repeatedly praised for it. Therefore if as a kid you were continuously outcast from society by your peers then you might have developed a fundamental break in your self-confidence that no matter how hard you try you can't disguise. This could result in a positive feedback loop further lowering your self-confidence. If there is anything you excel at I would recommend on focusing on that (it would be best if it was in a social context) as that would serve to rebuild your confidence rather than further destroying it as dating has seemed to done.

^ Actually Hyperlexian, I very much did take the advice from you and everyone else. In fact, I almost internalized it.

I said above I asked out "normal" girls, not uber-preppy girls. I asked out totally normal girls who were completely in my acceptable range to date. I did not go after anybody out-of-my-league, or who is "too social" for me. I've just been turned out, down and rejected by everybody, period. I am an anachronism who has no "role" and who fits in nowhere in this society........... I am not dateable.

Also, I've took the advice to look in to "aspie" girls, and I've gone by all 4 meetups in my area, but all of the meetups are for kids and youth and that. I don't fit in there since its all for youths and helping their parents get together and cope and discuss strategies. There were no "aspie" girls there, and even if any were there, I frankly don't see why I would be any more compatible with those elusive unicorns?

Also, one might suggest i try the "Internet," or Aspie affection (HAH!!) to meet girls, but I'm even less sure of myself online, and I'm very skeptical about the internet without getting to meet people face2face. Everyone is paranoid about meeting people over the internet these days.

I really really wish I could meet some people in this sub-forum face2face, and perhaps they could critique me and analyze me on the spot just to really see where I am f***ing up and all. I just really don't know what else more I could be doing. and there's only so much I can convey in text........ I think I really just need to be socially evaluated in some way just to see were I am making such a disconnect? I feel like I already try so hard just to "be normal."

Its so frustrating, as even if I'm not "totally perfect" whilst making a first impression and flirting, you would still think that at least ONE girl could account for some human-error on my part and at least give me a chance? Mabye its just the overly demanding social standards in today's socially-complex society based around a hardcore service-sector........ where pristine social skills are more than necessary just to break even in life. I know for a fact that I'm still not exhibiting "social proof," but its just beyond me to ever correct.

I just don't understand why all of this dating has to be SO DIFFICULT. Its like everything in life is just so hard and impossible for me. I am at a loss. Rest assured though, I totally took on board everyone's advice here and implemented it, but the problem is just something non-fixable with me.

have you made friends with females, just for the sake of friendship?

Tell them "and so what? I want you to be my second girlfriend"


Kidding...bad...bad advice.

^ Yeah, I wish. I don't have any female friends. I also don't have any guy friends. I don't have any friends at all, actually. (makes a sad face)

i didn't want it to be that way, but it just kind of transpired that way as I wasn't DXed until age 24, so I just never had friends until the time i was well past HS. It just kind of happened to where I had no friends for so long, and I fell further and further out of touch with the mainstream. I was not DXed as a boy, when i would have been able to get vital services and be able to build connections that could carry over in to adulthood........ I was just kind of thrown out there.

I wish i did have friends. Thats definitely a massive problem as I have no one who can introduce or vouch for me anywhere to anybody.

Still, girls I ask out would not even be aware of my non-existent social circle just after 2 or 3 conversations. As I said, the problem is not even the fact that they find out I'm odd or friendless AFTER she's given me a chance (I'm not even at this stage yet) .......... its that they won't even give me a first date at all. I could see that even if I started dating a girl, and then I was not reciprocating as a friend should be or something like that............. but I can't even get to that step?

I'm still at the first stage where I just can't even get ONE girl to agree to dinner. The fact that I don't have any friends is not even in play yet, but its just a matter of chatting 3 or 4 times in the hall 'randomly,' and then mabye, hopefully things go somewhere. How pathetic is that that I can't even get past this and get at least one to accept just one date??

Help ! !??

I much prefer girls with boyfriends. It's healthy for a girl to have a boyfriend. They're irrelevant though.

if you are not capable of making and sustaining regular friendships, females will definitely be able to tell that right away because you would lack the skills to be friends with them, much less a boyfriend. maybe work on rounding out your social aspect as well as you can. you can even do therapy to learn how to form friendships effectively.