What's the ideal response from your partner, post-shutdown?

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I'm asking because my gf is in a pretty severe one at the moment - one that appears to have been a couple of months in the works.

This is the first one we've experienced together as a couple, though not her first ever, from what I gather.

I think that a new job and our new-ish relationship, starting almost concurrently (though our relationship had the head start by a couple of months) have conspired together to bring it on.

Oh- and we're long-distance also. (If that makes a difference in how you'd suggest the response to be.)

I've given her her space - alone time - and my blessing; although my very first (an email) response was being very scared and anxious and depressed about the possible reasons for it (this was before I read about shutdowns, just this week). But a mere matter of hours after that first response, I apologized for having probably contributed to her overwhelm, lately, and said I hoped she'd let her family nearby look out for her during this time (because she was really starting to shut down, hard, and was having trouble even taking care of her basic needs).

And then the next day, after reading about AS and shutdowns more in earnest, I wrote and said she didn't ever have to apologize for her needs (because she'd written "I'm sorry" about needing this alone time, before going ahead & taking it), and that's when I told her that I was feeling better, now, and so not to worry about me/that - and that I loved her, and I would be there when she was ready to talk again & be back. (And I haven't done any contact since, and intend to keep it that way, to keep the pressure OFF.)

Just...is there anything else I should know, or that those who've experienced shutdowns in the context of a relationship, here, would want their significant others to know, or ways you would like them to respond, or things to know to be sensitive to?

In other words, is there a post-shutdown recovery "ideal response" list* for partners you guys can help come up with, for us NTs or otherwise who love you?


*like: other than what I listed, to do/not do during, what would the ideal response be after? Like, when you resume interaction/talking again?

Good question. Sorry, I don't have an answer. But I am interested in seeing what the responses are. I was in a relationship last summer when I hid out for two weeks. Skipped work, ignored phone calls and texts. I didn't even view it as a "shut down", but upon reflection, I suppose it was. After that I had to promise my sisters and my girlfriend that I'd at least let them know I was alive.

So yes. Very good question. Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller?

I have read this thread already and it's been very helpful as a start (for anybody else also wondering about this topic):

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt101995.html


Also, THIS is brilliant:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp3059053.html#3059053


-And I'm looking for something along the lines of what the poster above said here:

Thanks Ember!

There's not a lot you can do for her except give her space & let her know that you care about her & are there. I hate being negative here but relationships with Aspies do somethings end or go through major problems after the Aspie goes through his/her shutdown & there's very little you can do to save the relationship if she's ready to give up on it. My opinion is biased thou because my Aspie ex broke up with me after she shutdown & I handled it well & gave her her space & acted kewl about it. I've read this section a lot too for the last couple years sense I joined here(I'm an Aspie myself) & the post I read about shutdowns are NOT encouraging.

Thanks Nick. I also agree with you that they aren't.

I have an opinion on why that is the case, though.

I think the partner of the shutdownee flailed and panicked or got upset a lot because they didn't understand what the shutting-down Aspie's needs were, or, if they did, they still couldn't personally handle it. And, a lot of them (I'll admit) were NTs, and it seems to me the reason they had such a bad time adjusting to it or handling it was because it is just so far out of the NT paradigm that it takes almost a constant, against-'intuition' (for the NT world) effort to not interpret the Aspie's behaviours in a negative manner, according to that paradigm.

I very much agree with what pandorazmtbox said here (where 'him' = the AS person/shutdownee):




I realize, Nick, that in your situation that this didn't necessarily apply, for you did those things. I obviously can't speculate on what happened between you and your gf. I'm really sorry to hear that she did give up on it. But you have a point there, too: That every relationship is a two-way street, and much depends on the individual persons involved. And I actually think that in that, there's hope.

Question for you: Had your situation with your gf been reversed and you had been the one who'd gone into a shutdown, do you think you would have left your gf afterward, if she'd been cool about it like you were for her?

I had problems handling it the 1st time she shutdown because she made up something that caused me to worry instead of being honest & telling me what was going on. We discussed things after & since then I gave her space whenever she told me she wanted it. I do think that NTs tend to have lots of problems handling the shutdown but I do not think that is what caused em to break up. I would not shutdown in a relationship unless I or our relationship was having some serious problems. My ex broke up with me because she couldn't handle a relationship with anyone; least that's what she told me & she had often told me before how she would of given up on having a relationship if I would of been anyone else. Some Aspies shutdown because they have problems being in a relationship after a while so they realize they should be single or they decide they want to stay single a while

Follow-up: On a personal note, my sweetheart is 'back' and we're talking, and I believe everything is going to be fine.

However, I still really want to know more perspectives from AS people here on what/how, ideally, your partner would respond like, when you are just coming out of a shutdown. Thanks!