How the hell do I break out of my self perpetuating cycle?

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I went out tonight to First Friday...if you haven't heard of it, it's an event commonly found in cities, where every first friday of the month the galleries have open houses to show their new works of art for sale. It's a big draw for the 20 something crowd, and especially since I work in the creative arts, it would seem to be a crowd for which I'd be best primed to connect with...

Yet it was all the same. I don't feel I fit in ANYWHERE, and damned if I could engage with anyone. Bumped into one or two friends, but that was it. I'm just so afraid that if I try to speak to someone, they'll see right through me, to the person I am deep inside: scared, insecure, dorky, utterly inadequate...a failed human being.

And it hurts most of all when it comes to women. I just don't even know how to approach a woman I see there. I'm just so...so...scared. What if I don't know what to say. What if I say something stupid? What if I say something awkward, or make an idiot of myself? What if she sees through me, and sees me as an inferior?

I feel that if I even approach a woman, I'm beginning with a lie. I mean, it's unavoidable...we see someone who attracts us, and we engage. I see a woman whom I find attractive, and I want to engage. Of course, for me physical attraction is a small part, a tiny part of the equation, and I would genuinely like to know if she has the personality, the mind to match her outward appeal. But I still feel I'm a liar because while I want to engage on an interpersonal level and learn more about her, ultimately I am attracted to her physically, and it makes me feel like such a goddamn ape, or drone.

And I just know they'll see through me, this awkward, strange, silly little person who tinkers and makes worthless little films no one gives a damn about. They could all do so much better, and who am I to inflict myself upon them?

I want so much to love someone...yet at the same time I feel the ultimate expression of that love is to spare them from me, because no good will come of it, because I am not of worth to anyone.

And what if they're dating someone? I just can never tell, short of an engagement ring or wedding band.

Like, I was watching a band play in one of the galleries...earlier I noticed a very, very pretty girl, who had this serene look on her face...she was like something out of a Renaissance painting. I cast a glance a few times, and i think she cast one to me.

Later when I was watching the band, she came up next to me! Was she interested in me? I don't know. I couldn't think of a damn thing to say to her, and I was afraid to look for fear she'd see I WAS checking her out.

I think she was dating, because a young guy about my age, but taller and better looking, joined her, and while they weren't touching or anything, they seemed pretty chummy.

Anyways, she looked like she could've had anyone she wanted, Who the hell am I to think it'd be ME?

I left feeling utterly sick...maybe I left something special behind. Maybe she was the one who would change my life?

Yet if I could do it over, I'm not sure I'd be able to change a thing. I'm just do damn scared of the consequences, of what might happen, of finding out that guy was her BF, and I'm an ass for trying to talk to her.

I feel at times like I wish I could be as ugly on the outside as I feel on the inside, so I would have an easy reason for being so utterly damn bad at approaching women. I could say I'm ugly. I mean, I'm not handsome, but I'm not bad looking I guess. But that isn't enough, when I'm such a worthless human being. I've known a few people who've died...one was a woman who I still think about and I loved in a way, though she did not reciprocate...she was far better than me. Why is she dead, and I keep on living? I wish I could trade places with her.

I think you are over thinking it. Reminds me of this "sh*t my dad says" twitter entry:

Take a risk now and again. Just jump in. The first step is to think of a pretext to talk to her. That can be anything but you do need one. Then read the situation and see if there is opening to continue talking. If you are getting a bad response, you're done. Don't take it personally. It's trial and error, nothng more.

From the outside, looking in, anyone could tell you why you are wrong. Everybody is afraid they are a fraud and are just skirting discovery. Everyone thinks they are unworthy. Even the most self confident have a little doubt. But I recognize exactly what you are feeling and I don't really have a good answer for you. But I can say that you are better than you think you are. You are flailing around like the rest of us. Your curse is you are more aware of it than most.

But remember this; you are doing something with your life. You are trying more than most people try. You won't win every battle. Heck, you might not win even half of them. But most people don't even try to do what you are doing. You are making films and I know from my own experiences that that ain't easy. Will somebody notice? Will anyone? Will anyone care? Some people will. Some people will notice what you are doing and never think to mention it to you. They will think "that guy's got it made. I wish I could be like him." and they won't mention a thing to you because they will be certain you already know it.

Maybe all you can do is drop your drawers and say "this is who I am" (I've never succeeded in breaking any cycle so who am I to offer advice, but maybe what I am writing here is also advice to myself.) But maybe the best course of action is to admit to all that you are with no apologies and if people don't like that, well, that's their problem. Having the confidence to be whoever you are might a hell of a lot more attractive than trying desperately to fit into some conventional mold.

I've gone to events like what you have described and they can be exhausting and frustrating. Maybe the problem is not in you, but that the event is just not the right one for you. That doesn't make you bad... It doesn't make the other people bad. It's just the wrong mixture. Maybe you just need smaller events where the flood of people doesn't drain your energy.

I know this doesn't really address the problems you are dealing with. As I've said, I don't really have any answers. Sometimes I wonder if the fight is even worth fighting. But what else are you going to do with your time? I have a great deal of respect for people who keep trying despite the fact that they seem to be fighting a losing battle.