how long is the longest acceptable shutdown?

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ok, so people are talking about shutdowns on the forum lately. i have seen people talk about shutdowns in the context of romantic relationships, and some people are talking about minutes or hours, while others are talking about days, weeks or months.

shutdowns seem to involve a reaction to emotional overload, where a person retreats from contact - either physically or by dissociating. feel free to provide better descriptions of shutdowns or your own experiences in the thread.

this isn't based on anything going on in real life, but i wondered if my own feelings about this are sort of unusual. i'll post my thoughts later in the thread.

what is the maximum time you would allow a person to go into shutdown mode (with no contact) before you would break it off (or consider the relationship over, essentially, and perhaps break it off once the shutdown is done)?

EDIT: i have no idea if shutdowns are an aspie thing, or if NTs have them too. you can fill us in on that if you know.

Last edited by hyperlexian on 28 Feb 2012, 2:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think it depends on the person and how long their shut-down lasts.

so if someone said they have 6 month shutdowns, you would be ok with that or no?

It would depend on the circumstances that the shutdown is related to. I would consider it over after a couple days if we only been together like a month & the shutdown occurred after a fight or because she got upset with me about something. I would give her more time if we've been together a while & were serious & the shutdown was due to her dealing with something like a family crises.

It really does not matter if I am ok with it, its not something that is typically all that controllable, however I find it doubtful shutdowns typically last for 6 months.

what i mean is.... how long would you wait? would you be willing to continue a relationship after 6 months of no contact? (i did see at least one person speak of a multiple-month shutdown on the forum, so it does happen).

The longest my shutdowns have lasted are 5 days i don't think i have had longer. I usually recuperate right away after a few hours. If it is relationship related and that person has caused me or contributed to a 5 day shut down numerous times I would have to break it off with that person.

multiple or 6 months......but anyways it really depends on the situation I have not been faced with it yet. I mean I could certainly go without sex for 6 months but yeah I think it would really depend If I really had a good relationship with someone....I don't think I would end it on account of my own impatience over something they can't even control. But I am not 100% sure what i would do in a situation like that.

My states of dissociation rarely last for more than an hour, assuming that I get a chance to withdraw from stressful situations and be alone for a while. But in a way, I've been in shutdown mode or social recluse mode for more than ten years now.

If I had an autistic partner, I guess I would give her or him a day before I'd attempt to make contact and expect a response. Perhaps up to a week after a fight.

How would you define shutdown mode? I've always been socially withdrawn for the most part. I've always considered a shutdown where I'm to the point I can't speak, even if I may want to.
Given my issues, I would have to be patient with another person. I might periodically check in, but I would probably be ready to pick up the relationship when they were ready,if it was a good friend.

Last edited by MjrMajorMajor on 28 Feb 2012, 11:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

From an SO?
Maybe a few days.
Cutting off contact for a week or more at a time?
Yeah, no.

I think I'm somewhat confused. If someone cut off contact with me for, say, six months, then we would no longer have the relationship we once had. If he/she were to contact me after that, they do not get the privilege of picking up where we left off, we would have to forge a new relationship. I don't mean that I'd "punish" them for the hiatus, I mean that the relationship that we had had would no longer exist so we'd have to forge a new one (if I chose to). I cannot flip a switch on trust and intimacy (well, actually I can flip it to the "off" position, but not so easy getting back to the "on" position).

I think I'm likening it to a marriage that's trying to survive an infidelity. One cannot go back to the old marriage, even if there is remorse and forgiveness, one has to make a new marriage.

Last edited by mv on 28 Feb 2012, 10:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

i would have no problems with a communications breakdown of a week; if i knew the person was on the spectrum or for another reason prone to shutting down; i myself also just disappear for a week on occasion

Forever.

It's their choice, not mine.

There are too many other people in the world who are not shut down for me to waste any time or effort on coaxing one person out of shutdown mode. Besides, they could charge me with harassment for trying.

Good riddance.

I don't think I have ever shutdown on my partner. There were times when I left my partners alone for a bit but it was because I was busy(I s#ck at multitasking & I like to focus my attention on one thing at a time) but I had told my partner what was going on & I responded to her messages shortly after I noticed them. Other times were because I thought my partner was buy or wanted space & I sent her a brief message that I would wait for her to contact me. I do have lots of meltdowns with my parents & I storm off to my room after them but I usually talk to them next time they try talking to me after an hour or so. I'm clingy, needy & very communicative with my partner(I want to be as close to her as possible) so I don't think I would really have a major shutdown unless we had had a bad fight but I would still send her a message within a day unless I thought she wanted me to leave her alone; Or I guess I might potentially shutdown to deal with life stuff but I would tell my partner what was going on & I doubt I would go over a day without sending her at least a brief message so she wouldn't worry. I've handled some shutdowns from my partners pretty badly but I would of handled them a lot better if they had let me know what was going on in the begging; making up stories/lying to me or suddenly acting extremely withdrawn with me causes me to worry but I won't worry as much if I know what's going on. Things were different & uncomfortable after their shutdowns but that was mostly due to them acting withdrawn/distant or somewhat negative, upset, bitter or angry towards me but my behavior & feelings went back to normal like it was before shortly after theirs was. I'd like to find a partner who's clingy, needy & communicative(I rather an extreme amount that's a lot more than me than less then most) so things like shutdowns shouldn't be a common occurrence. I like to discuss things & address problems before they get to that point.

I would wait a week if I had heard nothing from them....

But my shut downs never last that long. Im usualy better after I get some sleep the first day