Must haves and can't stands?

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If any of you have tried online dating, have you ever wondered what traits of potential mates would be a red flag? I'm just wondering about others' opinions.

I'm (obviously) female, so I don't know if it's bad for a guy to want a woman for her looks. If a guy openly admits it, does this mean that he is superficial or he's being truthful? What about a female who openly admits she wants a guy with a degree... is that being superficial or simply being truthful?

There's a spectrum on these topics... a man can be a great catch, even if the first thing he notices about you is your body... and a woman can be a great catch too, even if she is initially attracted to a man's worldliness in his field. It's all about how far they will take it though. Like... would the woman dump someone for losing his prestigious job? Or would a man cheat on a woman because she gained weight or something? I think in situations like this it's important to look at the big picture and not just initial traits... you'll never know what a person is like until you meet them and spend some time together.

Good luck!

Thank you!

I think admitting it is being truthful but it is shallow to judge someone & cross them off solely on that criteria. Being honest about preferences is good but being rigid about them is not.

I agree. Just be honest, that is most important.

Admitting it is honest, but whether it's shallow or not depends on what else the person likes about you. If they want you solely based on looks, then it's shallow.

We all want someone we are physically attracted to (those capable of physical attraction, anyway) so it's not immediately a bad thing.

I've never done internet dating, and don't plan to, but I imagine it's not that different than going through any other type of adverts. so, whenever I look for serious, long-term things like a job or a flatshare, I use the rule of thumb of skipping all the adds with negations ("no cats", "no party people", "no time wasters" etc). I'm also very particular about grammar and punctuation (although not capitalisation, haha beat you to it ), and multiple exclamation marks/all caps make me shudder in disgust at the thought of having to speak with the author of such an advert. so these are all red flags to me, but that's just me.

as to the looks/degrees part - yeah, we're all thinking it, but it's an extremely rude thing to admit to. especially on a dating site where everyone should probably try to bring out their best qualities. I wouldn't mind dating a man who appreciates attractive women, but I would mind dating a guy who's too vocal about it. "shallow" is a fitting word here, but also "rude", and both those traits are very unattractive.

Thanks for your opinions.

I think it's realistic to assume that people want someone they find attractive, but it is a red flag if they incessantly make comments about a woman's looks. Not only that, it makes me wonder if they want me to ever get plastic surgery, which I'm definitely not going to do anytime soon (unless I get cancer, etc.)!

do you mean that they mention the importance of attractiveness of the opposite sex right on their profile? or they tell you that YOU are good looking? or they talk to you about how hot OTHER people are?

So there's this part in eharmony (a dating website) and it's called "must haves and can't stands". Eharmony provides its users with a plethora of options they can use for "must haves" and "can't stands".


Some of the choices for "must haves" are things like

-must be emotionally healthy
-must be attentive
-must be orderly

and so. One of the options is -must be considered very attractive by society's standards.....

Some guys choose this, while other guys don't go anywhere near choices that pertain to looks or sex. The ones who don't focus on looks and/or sex as a "must have", are they being truthful? Does a man really not care about his potential date's looks? That's kind of what I was getting at. I like how someone put that you can't tell until you meet them; I won't know how important it really is to them unless I know them.... It does send a red flag that they care so much about looks, but if they respond to me and see my pictures, then I must be somewhat attractive to them otherwise they most likely would have not thought of me as an option. This could change in a matter of seconds after meeting me.

well, i would not go anywhere near the people who said:

...because that implies that their targets are not just attractive to THEM but must be attractive to OTHER PEOPLE. and i would not want to date someone who cared so much about having arm candy for outsiders to admire.

I agree; my first reaction was to say no. Then I thought more on the issue, he was one of the few men I've ever encountered who doesn't want children. That's harder to find than someone who doesn't care how his woman looks.

I'll say this and by tomorrow we won't be talking anymore anyways....

its not bad for a guy to look for attraction in a mate.

its a natural part of the entire process. it seems to matter more for men than women, from what ive heard, but its pretty mutually accepted that things will work out better if there is more attraction present on both accounts. it doesnt mean hes shallow, hes just being truthful / honest because thats exactly how it is.

if a girl decided she only wanted to date men with degrees, i think it would be kinda superficial. this is because, what is she REALLY after? intelligence? wealth? someone to support her and her family eventually?

intelligence can come from people without degrees. also, wealth is a necessary evil, but you really dont need all that much of it to live comfortably. a bit more wealth is needed to comfortably support a family, however.

honestly, adding superficial 'restrictions' such as this will only limit your dating experience. what if there was a guy out there WITHOUT a degree that would totally date you, and you would eventually fall in love with him, but he will never have a degree? i'd imagine there are many guys who have the qualities / qualifications that you seek, minus having a degree.

tronist, those people she is talking about aren't looking for someone that they, themselves, are attracted to... they are looking for someone that OTHER PEOPLE will think of as attractive. there is a distinction there.

Having a judgmental attitude isn't perceived as attractive and it could come off as uptight which pushes people away. It's better to get to know people first and decide later if they are suitable or not, that way you can truly understand them instead of simply judging them based on a narrow list of traits.