What do you consider cheating?

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I've noticed that a lot of people have differents views on what cheating means. Some people say a couple who hugs others is using it as polite and courteous gesture when meeting with people. Other couples might prefer handshakes. On the other hand, huggings might seem harmless to most, and it's when kissing and other things are involved when it becomes cheating.

If it goes against the established lines of the relationship, it's cheating.

"Cheating" occurs when one partner is having intimacy with someone outside the relationship which has not been consented to within the content of said relationship.

Let me explain with some illustrations:

A couple may be in a traditional, monagamous relationship. As a couple, they have decided that they will only have sex with eachother - they define "sex" as oral/genital contact, vaginal/penal coitus, or vaginal/anal coitus. They also clarify that they consider getting naked with someone other than each other (and other than platonic showering in the lockeroom) to be inappropriate. They also include mouth/mouth contact kissing inappropriate.

In the above case - a person would be "cheating" by taking part in any of the above mentioned. There are various scales of cheating. One partner might forgive the other if they were tempted and merely kissed another person. The may be less forgiving if the other partner had coitus with another person.

Let's take another illustration:

A couple has a somewhat open relationship. They have agreed that each partner may have oral sex with another person, but that they have to inform each other of this secondary relationship.

Another couple in an open relationship. They have agreed that each partner may have oral or vaginal/penis coitus with another person, but would prefer them to keep their laisons private.

Another couple in an open relationship may be okay with the partner seeking paid sexual services (i.e. from an escort), but not among their social or work network.

Another couple in a semi-open relationship may be okay with the partner having a oral sex (or coitus) when they are travelling on business only or under a specific circumstance.

My point is - it is cheating when the activity falls outside what the couple decides is appropriate for their relationship. Each person will have their own morality regarding this.

If you are concerned about your own relationship - sit down and talk to your partner about what you desire and what you are open to. If you are concerned about a friend - encourage them to talk privately about this with their partner. No one has any obligation to share this information outside of their relationship and any secondary partner they may engage with.

I hope that this is somewhat helpful in answering your question.

Very true and well said.

Yes. There isn't a hard and fast definition of cheating. It is something you have to discuss with your SO and decide. A lot of drama in relationships comes when that discussion doesn't happen, and the two people have different standards of cheating. =/

With my husband and myself -

hugs and kisses with no tongue (even on the lips) fall into "generally don't matter, but you shouldn't do this to a few specific people for various reasons"
kissing with tongue and more would all be cheating. Same with sexting, or hot chat. A lot of people consider Sexting and hot chat to be fair game, but my husband and I would both feel betrayed (and feel we betrayed the other) if that were to happen.


I know people that feel it's only cheating if you don't ask permission from your spouse, even for sex, though. *shrug*

I have to agree with...


... but I have to add that this consent must be mutual and directly address the exclusivity of the relationship. This means that unless both parties in a two-party relationship expressly agree to having intimate relations only with each other, then having intimate relations outside the two-party relationship is not "cheating". This also means that if Person A has an unreciprocated crush on Person B, and Person B embraces Person C, then Person B is not cheating.

And by "intimacy", I mean emotional as well as physical intimacy. This means that meeting someone at lunch to pour out your heart, and that someone is the aforementioned third party (and not a professional counselor), then that may be "cheating". Under this concept, anyone who posts in The Haven about his or her spouse, with the expressed or implied purpose of receiving emotional support, is technically "cheating" on that spouse.

Otherwise, if a physical act even has the appearance of "cheating" (hugging a co-worker, for example), then it is probably best to not do it.

Disclaimer: I used to believe that "It ain't cheatin' if you ain't married", but I have since realized that this is an extremely narrow point of view.

I agree with the general consensus on this thread. There is no hard and fast one-size-fits all rule. Some couples are allowed to sleep with other people even. But if your partner knows about it and is ok with it, it's not cheating. On the other hand, if you are doing something that you feel the need to hide from your partner, even if it is just talking to someone, you should really stop and think about why you are doing it and why you have to hide it. If it's something you know your partner will be upset about, it just might be cheating.

But, what if she thinks I'm dieting and I sneak a Big Mac on the side without telling her, is that cheating? I mean, it's allowed in Weight Watchers (not every day, of course), but she'd be upset if she saw me mowing down one of those lardburgers, so does that mean I shouldn't do it?

How about if I read a Harry Potter book without her knowing and she's a die-hard fundie evangelical Christian who thinks that even the mention of magic is a damnable offense? Is that cheating?

I wanted to make a comment about "just talking to someone" - if one's partner gets upset about "just talking" to someone - this might be indicative of a controlling and abusive partner. Get help and, quite possibly, get out of this relationship.

Going by that logic that would mean confiding in close friends because your significant other isn't giving you the emotional support that you feel you expect/deserve is technically 'cheating'. I have to say I completely disagree with that, otherwise that's essentially removing freedom of speech altogether.

Although I do agree that people shouldn't be posting about their other half's in The Haven, but that's because private matters between two people shouldn't be openly discussed on the internet.

I agree with your response.

In my mind, there are many variables to address before coming to the conclusion that it is cheating, with intention being the primary one. Our perception of cheating does seem to be highly contextualized: a man might be jealous of their girlfriend's male cousin hugging her, though many men in the same scenario would disregard this as not cheating. For some, this might be cheating due to cousins getting married, where others find this disturbing and wouldn't expect their own girlfriend or boyfriend viewing it as a possibility.

Cheating is doing something involving others that your partner doesn't approve of behind their back.

It's really that simple.

Ok so, as pointed out by some others, my post wasn't clear enough in some areas. It was all intended to be taken in the context of an interaction/relationship with somone else other than your partner and assuming your partner is a rational person.

Sneaking food or entertainment that your spouse doesn't approve of seems to be indicative of intollerance on the spouse's part and an overall lack of trust or communication though perhaps not "cheating" in the way this thread is talking about. Additionally the mention of "just talking" was supposed to be more along the lines of an emotional affiar, someone you share your intimate feelings with othe than your partner. Which is only talking to someone. Your partner shouldn't be upset at you having casual conversations with random other people.

So yeah, sorry for the inclarity. I assumed the premise of human interaction + reasonable partner.

That depends on the circumstance, such as it could come about that a mutual friend could take control of it all. Most times it can be rumours that can be true or a lie... however, that would mean pursuing this claim with finding the truth will risk the relationship you have and any in the future as one would have no trust.

^This^

If it's something you wouldn't do if your partner was standing right there, it's cheating.

It's cheating if she's under the impression you DON'T do those things,
and you willfully maintain this false impression,
if one defines cheating as "deliberate deception",
absolutely.