chasing a first-love aspie

Post Reply New Topic

Hello all, new member, so i'll try to break down the situation

Me:
NT male, mid-20s, doing my phd, occasional teaching assistant (university setting)

Her:
Early 20s, Aspie female, kinda sheltered because her mom raised her that way, although she is intelligent in various areas (dinosaurs of all things and maybe others), and undergrad

Situation:
So here it is, originally, this girl was a student of mine, and we became close, trusted friends shortly after the course was over (not a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, but she looked up to me). After a hard break up for her, i asked her out (some may argue that it was "too soon"), and we started going out about 2 months later (to give her time to get over her previous relationship). Things went fine for most of the summer, but it was clear that I had lost sight of her aspergers, and became frustrated with her lateness (im a very detail-oriented person). We overcame that with talking, and summer was over. When it came to september, i was her TA (teaching assistant) for one of her courses (don't judge, i know this isnt just a booty-call, but i really care about her). So being the cautious person, i tried to keep in face-to-face contact with her by meetups on campus for coffee or whatnot. She missed a couple of these cause shes kinda clumsy, and must fit set schedules with set times (i know NOW that its part of the aspergers). I became frustrated, cause it started feeling like she had time for her other friends, but no time for me. We occasionally argued, but it seemed like nothing we couldnt work out with talking.

Then came January, and I lost it on her after it felt like she wasnt putting an effort into school (reminder that im a phd, and i genuinely wanted her to get where she wanted in life --> shes an engineering student). I know, i was an ass, and shouldnt have taken it out on her. She also had this male friend which followed her around almost 24/7 (he also has social issues, dont know specifics), but of course, I became annoyed/jealous of this, and it erupted into arguments at times. We argued on and off on msn for the next 4 weeks or so, and things started to hit rock bottom. After a couple of mess ups on my end (perhaps i didnt take her seriously because of the age difference, and her sheltered background, which made her kinda naive sounding at times, and possibly because she MIGHT have ADHD), she dumped me. We elected to be friends (for now, i hope), since we were friends before going out and hoped to remain friends afterwards. This was merely less than a week ago.

Now:
I can personally say that I had overlooked her aspgergers and at times expected her to be NT (because she behaved as such for most of the time). This of course, caused conflict because i understand after reading some wiki that set schedules and taking statements literally are part of aspergers. Being a "smart" NT guy, i should have realized this, but didnt. And it turns out a lot of the issues was that i neglected that she has aspergers. also, due to my occasional stupidity, i did things that appeared disloyal to her, which i dont blame (though i never kissed or showed affection to another girl). I still think the world of her, though she has said that she "doesnt love me anymore", but would consider being with me in the future (if she was not with another guy).

The question is that, yes, she was my first love (i get tunnel vision when im in school, explaining why i didnt date in undergrad). She was my student (and could be again in the future) and so i was always antsy/cautious about being caught, explaining why i couldnt spend the time or show affection to her as i would have liked. She's a sweet girl, under the thumb of her controlling mom. I believe I want to be with her and be there for her (after there isnt a chance i could be her TA again). Should I go after her, or rekindle my friendship with her and try again in the future? (i am unexperienced in relationships, and should logically, test the waters and date other girls first.) Though I worry that she will find another (and i've pictured us together in the future living happily).

She gave me her heart before (her words) and i loved her, but perhaps her aspie-ness made her do things (let that other dude follow her around) that meant no harm??
(btw, i now believe i understand that she let "other dude" follow her around, because she always felt alone, and having a friend follow her made her feel safe. It was something I couldnt do because i was always paranoid about being caught =(. )

So chase (and let her know i still want to be with her)? or let fate take its course (and hope that she's available later on, as I date around)? --> I still love her (and i wish she told me she loved me earlier before she broke up with me).

sorry for the long background

When a girl says she doesn't love you, it is only meant in a momentary context on how she is feeling at that particular moment, however in this case, her feelings have changed. She may have felt differently about you but you didn't take the initiative and provide the support she needed so she has realized you are not right for her. You didn't take the initiative and all that time you didn't, that other guy was slowly and gradually earning her favor or trust.

If she is happy with this other guy, the best thing you can do is let them be happy together. You don't seem certain of your true feelings and you didn't engage enough with her to form a romantic relationship so it might be best to move on and let this one go as painful as it may be.

You're a teacher and she's a student, you're not supposed to develop a relationship with a student but who knows, in a few years, she might love you again if you remain friends.

put it out there. be honest about your feelings. only way to find out...