tips or advice for living with someone?

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My boyfriend and I have been discussing the possibility of moving in together. It would not be happening in the immediate future and will depend upon how a few different life situations play out, so it really is just a possibility at this point. Still, it might be practical for us to consider it over the next year because it's likely that he will be taking a job in New Jersey this fall (located 2 1/2 hours away from where I live, each way) and that I'm considering starting a Master's program online (ie, it could basically be completed anywhere).

We have been close friends for years and dated a while, we get along very well and I have no doubt that he's committed to me, but, truthfully, the idea of living with anyone kind of freaks me out. I've been living alone for almost 10 years and have gotten used to having my home serve as a sort of sanctuary; feeling that I can be independent and have my own space is really important. So, if we do ever decide to go this route, I anticipate it'll be a difficult transition for me.

Anyone have any advice or personal experiences that might be helpful?

I have never been able to make living with someone work, however this is my advice.

get a fresh new place which belongs to both of you so neither is locked in routines or territory.

if you can possibly afford it, its really important to have your own bedrooms to retreat to and have done in your own way.

if I could have done both those things Im sure i could have managed living with someone.

It can work, with enough communication. Definitely find a place where you can have a room just for you, so you can decompress when you need some space. Living together does take compromise -- I'd recommend talking about your routines and expectations before moving in together and discussing your cohabitation dealbreakers. Be really honest about it, especially if you have a hard time with changes to your daily routine or if you have sensitivities.

What everyone above said, plus this: if at all possible, hire a housekeeper. In a live-in situation, someone is always the slob, relative to someone else. It can breed resentment immediately. Just commit to outsourcing your cleaning, and you'll be all set. It doesn't have to be fancy, just someone to come in once a week to take the edge off, by vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, doing the more distasteful parts of kitchen upkeep or laundry, etc.

^^^ I agree with this.

Also, what kritie stated about discussing routines and sensitivities, as well as whatever you may need as far as your own "space" and quiet/alone time. And what mv wrote about house cleaning and maintenance.

And, discuss if either of you has a strong point of view on whether to have children or not in the future. Many NTs really want to have children. Many Asperger's people do not. I don't know if your partner is NT or not.


I've lived with my NT husband for 21 years. He is very understanding and usually accepting of all of my quirks, obsessions, and need for space. The first year living together can be difficult, but if you can get through that, I think your chances for a happy marriage/relationship are excellent.

I’m really happy for you that your relationship is progressing so well, it’s nice to see something positive happening in your life, you deserve it.

I would say that you need to be brutally honest with yourself and with your partner about your concerns and expectations. Giving up your sanctuary is a big deal and won’t be easy, but you are still young, so now is the time to make a change if that’s what you really want to do. I guess the one of the big questions is if your relationship will survive the distance or not.

I think the tradeoff will be that the good times will be better but the difficult things might get worse, at least temporally. It will probably be both exciting and draining at the same time, but, I would encourage you to take a chance and try to make it work if it things continue to fall into place, you can always go back to living alone if it doesn’t.

Because I’m kind of old fashioned, I’d say that ideally you would get something more concrete in the way of a commitment, as in a proposal, before making such a drastic move, but, that’s just me.

If I had any advice to offer from my life experience is that you will recover from heartbreak and failure, but living with the regret of not taking chances can haunt you for life, because you don’t always get a second chance.

Make sure the bedroom can take the biggest bed you can possibly get, whatever that is. Queensize?

Last edited by ZX_SpectrumDisorder on 11 Mar 2012, 5:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Do you really want to live with him? or you're just following the customs (because it's "time")?

Actually, he had suggested the idea of a two-bedroom initially, too, in order to make it feel like a smoother transition and it had surprised me, since I don't know a lot of couples who do that. So, it's interesting to see a few of you guys suggest that, too. Not sure how easily we could afford that, though, if I am going back to school while I am out there.

You're not old-fashioned for saying that, actually. It's not a 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free' type of situation, though. He is very much commitment-minded and open to the idea of marriage. I'm the one who's not ready for marriage at this stage of my life and is kind of skiddish when it comes to commitment, especially with one failed engagement under my belt already. He'd brought this up as a way for us to sort of test-drive things for the two or three years he'll be in NJ (it's a research fellowship, not a permanent job). He also sort of made the argument that if I decide to go back to school during that same 3 year period and need to get a roommate to save money, why not have it be him, since, frankly, that would be a lot easier than a complete stranger.

You phrased it as being a "drastic" move and that's what it would be, too. Aside from difficulties with transitioning into living with someone, north Jersey is a lot different from Lancaster County! It would be one thing if I were staying in the same town, with the same job and little things, like the same grocery store and post office. But, this would be a huge a life-changer.

Honestly, the answer at this moment would be no, because I don't feel we are ready or in a good place for it right now. If this would happen, it would not be for some time and would be dependent upon how some things in both of our lives play out. Heck, we don't even know if he will get this particular job yet or one that will keep him right in Philadelphia and I'm not completely sure about grad school yet.

It's just that we had a conversation about it last night that got me thinking and I was curious to hear about other people's experiences with living with a significant other and what advice they may have. That's all. Given my track record, if I do something like this, it'll require a whole lot of careful planning to be even semi-successful, so why not start about a year in advance? lol

By the way, Face of Boo, happy belated birthday!

I came across this video the other day , I'm sure that it's been posted on
WP in the past so I don't know if you have seen it or not. It shows how an AS couple manages to live together under the same roof. It certainly isn't a traditional arrangement, but, it works for them.

The circumstances of your relationship might be somewhat different, but maybe you both can learn something from it that you could apply to your decisions about your future together.


[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4Z4-okGnkM[/youtube]

You're thinking way too ahead then.

Before you start really desiring it, all this is useless.