I'm hitting it off with someone who's a med student, should

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So, I've met someone on OK Cupid who wants to meet in person. She's an attractive med student at a university well-known for it's med program.

Should I tell her that I have Asperger's? I'm not sure if that would lead to more understanding in person, or misunderstanding. I know that my Asperger's probably has affected things in the past with my attempts at dating, even though I've gotten better at controlling the signs, i.e. maintaining eye contact, etc.

I just want to hear some feedback on this.

No. If the relationship actually develops into something more serious and they like/love you for you, then that is the time.

I think telling her will lead to both more understanding and also misunderstanding.

As a med student, she'll be beyond the popular misconceptions of Aspergers Syndrome spread in mainstream media. So that's more understanding. But as a med student she'll also be familiar with (or will google herself into familiarity with) the medical world's version of Asperger's Syndrome. She'll wind up reading several articles by Simon Baron-Cohen and try to understand you through that lens, which will lead to misunderstandings unless you are coincidentally just like one of Simon-Baron Cohen's case history people.

She may have already done research on her own if she has a relative with Aspergers (and as a med student, she just might, since the genes seem to concentrate in families in scientific fields). Then you get a mix of understanding and misunderstanding based on how similar or different you are from that relative.

On balance I would say tell her on the first date if she comments on anything quirky or on the second or third date if those happen. She's being taught in school to observe people carefully for clues about them so she'll quickly guess something is up anyway.

There are ways to tell in ping-ponging conversations in medium steps.

'Yeah, I pretty much am a nerd.'

'I live a lot inside my own head.'

'I need a fair amount of alone time for myself.'

This last point may work to your advantage since she probably needs massive amounts of time for herself for studying.

If the two of you hit it off, the important thing is to tell her you are Aspie before the two of you sleep together.

"I'm a bit of a nerd, but all guys are when you think about it, some guys just get into sports which are more socially acceptable interests."

Last edited by ZX_SpectrumDisorder on 09 Mar 2012, 1:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't think an analogy is necessary. Just move directly into an interest.

'I am a bit of a nerd. For example, I'm really into . . . '

And let her come into the conversation if she makes a move. And is she brings up one of her interests now and later, try and be open to appreciating this interest of hers.

yes, tell her. as a med student (who has probably taken psych classes) she is likely aware of the diagnosis and will probaby research it a bit before she meets up with you.

i think that it is a good idea because some aspies tend to suck at first impressions. i am saying this as an aspie myself and as someone who has met a bunch of other aspies in real life too. if you give the person a REASON why you are probably going to mess up socially on the first date, they will be more likely to allow you some leeway. if your date does not know why you are coming across "wrong" you may not get a second date.

You've obviously been chatting online, texting or you've called each other. Why can't you just continue as you are, in person?

Folks, I really don't think a medical student is likely to be all that much more educated than a member of the general public. At most, she's probably read one paragraph on Autism Spectrum and that's likely to be the standard stereotypes.

Just be matter-of-fact about educating her, medium step by medium step.

Hopefully, she'll be open to people being different. Different is not necessarily better, not necessarily worse, just different. And plus, different can be interesting.

Mainly, just the baseline thing of whether you guys hit it off in person.

This to be honest. Certainly for the first 2-3 years of med school there is very little taught psychiatry and even during that part of the course, ASD is likely to be one 40minute lecture (probably lumped in with dyslexia too..)

I agree with AardvarkGoodSwimmer; just gradually mention your quirks as you get to know each other. I mean, she obviously likes your personality because she's dating you, so it's not like you're suddenly disclosing some horrible contagious disease..

I haven't actually met yet, but she was the first one to suggest it. I'm waiting to hear back from her.

Oh, and I decided to not tell her, yet. I had a friend who was close, in med school, and we just sort of 'broke up.' In her rejection email, she told me that she knew I had Asperger's almost two years before I knew what it is. I wonder if her knowing was a factor in her just wanting to be friends.

I say go for it. If she's "the one", not only might she understand AS, but there's major big-time earning potential on her part.

(Seriously, you shouldn't choose a partner based on her potential income...but if she has the potential, carpe diem!)

Laying down heavy things on the first date doesnt sound good.

If she was raised by alcholic divorced parents do you really want to hear that she suspects she has adult children of alcoholics syndrome and a fear of commitment in the first 10 minutes? How about a date or two first? Try to have fun instead.

Damned if I knew. There is no way I think. In my case, women see I'm weird, and sense I'm damaged goods and they can do better, and flee after one pathetic date. So I've never reached the point where I've had to tell about my AS.

I imagine most women would react with revulsion and disgust and anger at having been lied to, because we've fundamentally misrepresented ourselves.

There really is no way to win. If she's good she'll accept you, but she'll probably kick you to the curb.

Women do that.

Brianruns10, less than 2 weeks ago you started a thread where you apologised for your statements against other people and took full responsibility for yourself. you are already back to blaming women. i guess your new attitude didn't stick.

Sorry I'm just desperate and really wanting to hurt myself.

A woman I deeply loved got engaged, and what the hell was wrong with me? I think she could sense I was damaged goods.

I'm just trying to prepare him for the worst. Because people are cruel at heart and selfish.