Telling your partner about AS?

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I am a self-diagnosed Aspie, and it is currently not an option to get a professional diagnosis because of money. I just entered into a relationship with a NT about a month ago. I function fairly well socially, and he seems to understand what he calls my "quirks", so I didn't feel like I had to tell him about my AS before beginning the relationship. I'm starting to feel as if somehow I am being dishonest by not telling him, but I am worried that he might not take me seriously because I don't have an official diagnosis.

Do any of you have experience with this? Do you think I should tell him? Do you have any tips on how I should tell him, or when?

I've been professionally diagnosed and I've gotten tons of help to make me seem "normal", but I don't have the guts to tell my boyfriend that I'm an aspie. Unlike you though, he's also an aspie, who's traits are more obvious than mine. If I had the guts to, I would ask him just to have a talk with him abot someting important that's bothering you. Then ask him if he knows anything about AS. After you ask that question, tell him that you have AS. If he truely cares abou you, he'll accept you for who you are and he'll go the whole 9 yards for you. But if he doesn't, then he should have never deserved your time and attention to him in the first place.

Not knowing I was an Aspie ruined my first marriage and many other relationships. Finally finding out and having my wife know too is what saved my second marriage. At least my "quirks" have an explanation now and my wife is now a lot more tolerant of some of things I do.

I have always found it is better to know up front and accept a person for who they really are then get blind-sided later and always wonder if there is anything else they aren't telling you

Okay, your answer makes sense. So my question is, since I am self-diagnosed, should I tell him "I am very sure I have AS but I haven't been diagnosed," or should I just tell him "I have AS"? The second one isn't a lie, because for all intents and purposes I absolutely do, but it's not wholly honest. If I tell him I haven't been diagnosed though, he might think that I might not have it and he might not take me seriously.

I'm in a similar situation except I've been with the person longer. When I first mentioned it he was extremely skeptical, basically said, "everyone feels that way sometimes". But I stuck to my guns and told him that this is who I am, and while I don't have an official diagnosis, I know myself better than anyone and I know what I've been dealing with my whole life. I can't even really say, "If it's not AS, then..." because I don't see that it could be anything else. Too many things fit that are tiny and random, and none of the other possibilities match up half as well.
In the end I had to basically tell him, "I have evaluated this from every angle that I'm able, and this is the answer I have. It's this, and short of finding something else that fits even better (doesn't exist) I'm always going to think it's this. Whether a doctor has told me so or not is irrelevant to me because understanding my life through this lens and dealing with problems as though I have AS is helping me with things I thought had no relief at all. Honestly I don't care what you call it, I care that I'm better able to deal now than ever before. If that's something you're going to be resistant to just because I named AS, even though it's helping me, I think that's judgmental and nonsensical. In short, your choosing not to accept my self-diagnosis equates to the belief that I'm not intelligent enough to make such a determination or think it through properly before doing so, and places a single (probably grossly underqualified) doctor's opinion over my entire lifetime of living with these problems AND the super-coincidental fact that lots of the tips, solutions provided by those in a similar place also work for me."
But, he was resistant and a little hostile so I had to drive the point home. Regardless of the style, I think the contents are pretty relevant to this situation though.

I recently just asked her if she knew what it was and not suprised but she didn't. Then I explained it to her and said I have it. She had and still has a few questions but all went well. I think it's important for then to understand and accommodate you better, if they don't/won't accept you they aren't right for you.

I would tell him that you know that you have AS, but you haven't been diagnosed by a doctor or a specialist. If you're going to get a professional diagnosis just to make it official, let him know that too, and bring him with you if he's fine with it. Also, if he's on the clueless side about AS, have him research it and make sure he's aware of it so he knows how to make you feel 100% comfortable with him whether you just want to talk to him about any problems you're dealing with in life or you need a shoulder to cry on (I know some people with AS that don't like to be touched at all, so I thought I'd throw that in there.)

Well, even if you got an "official" diagnosis, it's not like it's based on a blood test showing a number outside a reference range.

Think about why you'd like to share with him that you identify as Aspergian-
you could say, for instance
"I can really relate to a lot of the descriptions and testimonies of people who have Asperger's syndrome-
maybe you could check it out sometime if you want to understand some of my 'quirks'"

i think honesty about your diagnostic journey would make the most sense. since you are not officially diagnosed, it doesn't really make sense to imply that you have been. that would be kind of manipulative and sets a bad precedent. i mean, if you suspected you had diabetes you probably wouldn't imply a doctor DXed you. if necessary, you might want to watch some movies with AS characters together or otherwise educate him so that he understands the condition.

Honesty is best. The other person will find out sooner or later anyway. Save yourself the pain and tell them.
My only problem with this is when & how to go about doing it.

Sincerely,
Matthew

The way that sort of worked for me was to mention I thought I had AS when I was displaying behaviour, which would not have been expected from an neurotypical person, for example not making eye contact with him for hours. I said something like you might have noticed I dont like making eye contact and I have some other habits you might have noticed. Ive been doing some reading and think I might have a form of autism and that would that would explain why I do alot of these odd things.

His reaction to that was "Oh, ok, A friend of mine once said everyone is a little bit autistic." I found it difficult to reply to this so the conversation sort of ended there. In hindsight I think he did not know what the word autism meant so he just repeated this statement he'd heard from a friend. Since then I think he has started to realise I dont behave like other girls and have little quirks and maybe this new word autism could explain this. Months after me telling him I thought I was autistic he brought it up in conversation and basically asked "What is autism and what makes you think you have it?". This was very difficult to answer but I mentioned some of my behaviours like not having many friends, not making small talk and not liking eye contact. He agreed that these statements describe me and most people are the opposite so I think he could see I had a point and that my quirks could be explained by this word autism.

Im kind of glad that he just accepted I am different and that maybe there is a name for it but at the end of the day whether we name it or not Im still going to be like that.

Im not sure what I would have done if he'd challenged my self diagnosis. But I would recommend preparing answers to the questions like: What is autism? and Why do you think you have it?

There's no positive confirmation that you are on the spectrum since you haven't been officially diagnosed by the Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule- Generic test or any form of professional testing. You can tell him that you suspect you have certain characteristics and traits to work around and that may give him a general understanding.

Being open about certain traits can definitely help and lead to mutual understanding and communication though and it's not something I suggest against. If you feel it will better the understanding between the both of you, I would say go for it.

I kind of agree with this. Even though I'm 99% sure I have AS as well, I feel like a liar telling people I have it. It sucks cuz my weirdness is still there and it would be very explainable if I just had an official DX.