Complications of aspie friend, and so on...

Post Reply New Topic

My best friend, who I just found out from his father is a high functioning aspie, moved in with me about a month ago. We have been besties for about 6 months and known each other/had an attraction to each other for about 20 months. I am supposedly NT, and I am female. I have a doctoral degree in music performance. He only has a high school diploma. Despite this, I found myself wanting to talk to him/be with him a lot. He is brilliant, funny, lights up the room for me. Lights up my life, really. Happened slowly, but I find myself falling in love with him.
He has been unflinchingly loyal to me through a lot of rough stuff that happened to me this past year. Never has anyone been so loyal and such a calming influence on me. He makes me feel so safe and I don't mind his "quirks" as he puts them. I am mildly OCD, so I understand the need for routine and the "rituals" he feels he has to have.
About two months ago, his best friend from the marines and I started to talk via facebook. We have both been worried about him because he has no concept of money and he can't seem to hold a job because he is so idealistic. We also agreed that the woman that he has been seeing for four years treats him like garbage and is using him for sex. After much deliberation, we decided that the best thing would be for the both of them to move into my large farmhouse and do work around my farm that I don't have the time/ability to handle. That way, he has two people around that understand him and can guide him in the navigation of the "real world".
His father came to visit and he liked what he saw. He told me that I was good for his son and that he had long hated his "relationship" with the woman he sees. I felt encouraged and told my aspie that I hated to see him selling himself short, and that this woman was using him. He tried to say that he was using her too. Cute, but no one believes that. He is rigidly loyal to her even though she does drugs and drinks, is a chronic depressive and is threatening suicide every other week. She calls me all kinds of names and she is furiously jealous of me. I have my life together and she is falling apart, but he can't seem to see that I am the better option. He clings to her even though he says the relationship is doomed. She has relegated him to Saturday nights only, oh and did I mention that she is MARRIED?
I am basically financially responsible for him at this point. I have the resources, it's not a big issue, but I don't know if I am doing more harm than good. I don't want to be an enabler. By the way, not that this matters, but we are both exceptional physical specimens. He is hit on constantly and he doesn't see it because of his AS, I guess. He is a pro body builder and women gawk at him all the time. If men gawk at me, he gets VERY jealous and has violent impulses he tells me about. And yet...no moves made toward anything other than spending lots of time together, talking/play arguing all day, etc. I am happy with the status quo right now, as I think he needs a lot of time to grow, but we have GOT to get rid of this parisitical woman. I don't want my life to turn into dysfunctional turmoil here. I tread lightly. I feel extremely protective of him. It's painfully hard for me. But love does that to you.
His friend and the friend's girlfriend who is here a lot both say that I should just tell him that I love him. I feel like that would have the opposite of the desired effect. Should I just wait and see, or what do I do to avoid scaring him or making him have a meltdown? He is more able to grasp abstractions than most, I think, but he is still very literal and I think he thinks of romantic love as the same as we see in the movies, etc. Not sure what to do here, any advice from the other side? ( ;

have sex with him

that might seem blunt/stupid/silly to say

and I don't really know anything about him at all

But I know in my case I would cling onto a relationship that wasn't so great because of sex, and if there was another girl around who seemed better, I would be hesitant to let go because I would be afraid this other girl didn't have a sexual interest in me. I don't assume a girl has any sexual interest in me until she makes it very obvious. I imagine it is like that for most male aspies. Just you hanging around him, being nice to him and compliment him is not enough to fully signify to him that you are interested.

Go on a 1 on 1 date, get him drunk and have your way. Then he will know.

I agree with the above; it is unlikely he will make the first move.

wow, that's really amazing. Of course I would like to have sex with him EVENTUALLY. Just not sure how he feels about me really. Not sure if he even knows how he feels about me. I am not looking for a casual sex relationship, I am all in or I'd rather not do it. Plus, I have my own personal morals to think about.
I would like to tell him how I feel, but I think the timing has to be just right? How would you want an NT woman to tell you how she feels without scaring you?
I can't get him drunk, neither one of us drinks.

I can't speak for your friend, but:
1. I get scared when people tell me THEIR feelings and expect to know MY feelings in response.
2. I like being hugged/kissed.

I know it is very hard for most people to "make the first move" whether you are NT or AS, and I wish you good luck!

Would it be better to ask him straight up how he feels about our life together and if he sees us becoming closer, and if that would be a good thing? I don't want to overwhelm him. I feel like I've done everything wrong and yet he is still here and hasn't run. Just frustrating to feel inert.
Yes, I keep waiting for the boom to lower and for him to finally get rid of Dame Fullocrap, but it seems to be dragging on and on. It makes me so sad. He is worth so much more.

yes, when he came home last weekend I told him that I thought he was worth so much more than what she had to give him. Doesn't seem to have hit the mark at all. ) :

it seems kind of like you are taking care of him as a sort of caregiver, more than approaching him as an equal for a relationship. you're trying to rearrange his life for him by removing him from his current location and getting him another sort of job, also you are worrying about his finances, attempting to break up his relationship, and you're even talking to his dad about what is best for him. when i read that you had talked to his dad about his future, it occurred to me that it's a bit like a parent-teacher interview.

this is a problem if you want to have a relationship with him. it seems a bit like you are trying to recreate his life into what you believe he deserves and what he should have, and that is a far cry from building a relationship on equal footing.

perhaps his life is a mess right now and maybe he is irresponsible with his finances and naive with his love life. but that's the life he has chosen for himself, and these things might make him happy. if you look down on his choices and try to force him to change (or even try to change his life for him to suit what you and his dad think is best) then you are creating a power differential that is akin to an adult looking after a child.

his decisions may lead to some bad consequences, but he needs to learn that for himself instead of having you pick up after him. i don't think you should consider dating him until you've shifted away from a caregiver role, then at that point you can come together as equals.

I know, I didn't set up this dynamic on purpose, he has actually done most of it himself. I almost feel like he's been asking me for help as a kind of way into my life. He has had countless people reject him and take advantage of him. He was very depressed and we were all worried, now he is doing much better. And yes, we have to come at this as equal partners, which is why I hesitate to bring anything up at this point until he can feel he is on equal footing with me. In the meantime, lots of compliments, staying good friends and doing our activities together is a good place to be. I love him too much to push things too far too soon. If it is going to last it can't be this unbalanced.
I would not have come this far with him at all without the help of his good friend and of his father. I was on the brink of walking away because I had so much trouble understanding where he was coming from. Now that I have the missing puzzle piece, our relationship has improved greatly! A little knowledge goes a long way - with this NT anyway!