Lost romantically, NT dating a man with possible Aspergers

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While I can't be absolutely certain that the man I love has Aspergers there are a lot of indicators and research (as well as talking to my NT friend who has a little brother with Aspergers) that he does. As things are right now, I'm very confused in regards to what he thinks and feels towards me and how I can help. I'm trying to be as understanding as I possibly can, but for now it seems like he has shut himself off towards me and everyone else.

I met him last summer on an online dating website where he asked me out on a date. It was interesting, as neither of us like to be greeted warmly, hug to say hello, or are particularly friendly to begin with. I asked him questions about his life and I told him a bit about mine. He had a specific event planned for us where we would walk around a building listening to an audio recording through headphones while watching a multimedia display, but tickets were sold out so we ended up wandering around talking. He didn't make a lot of eye contact, but he told me that he liked my hair in an awkward way, and we ended up going back to my place where we laid on my bed for a few hours before he worked up the courage to ask if he could kiss me. From that point on, we were together every second day for nearly two months -- essentially as much as his life would allow being a software engineer working on his own startup. I told him I loved him before he took off to Silicon Valley for most of a 4 month stint, but I told him he didn't have to say it back if he wasn't sure. He said he wanted us to break up while he was away because he was not good at long distance relationships. So, we broke up. We were both really sad about it, but he didn't talk about it much. He cried in front of me when he told me he would be leaving but never explained why. I was extremely upset and I don't think he knew what to say.

Two months barely talking to each other, but from what I can gather talking to him more on a personal level than he was really with anyone else he came back for two weeks to stay with me since he had hired a few people in the city we lived in together. He told me that he wouldn't have come back to work with them if it weren't for me, and after about a week together again he told me that he loved me. We had a wonderful time together, and spent most of his spare time during the 2 1/2 week stay together. I cooked for him and cared for him when he got a cold, and we went back to being the couple we were before he left the first time. Things went back to not talking much again and being apart as soon as he went back to Silicon Valley, but I made a strong effort to talk when he had spare time and ask him how he was doing and how work with his company was going.

While I wasn't very happy knowing we were broken up while he was away, things took a turn for the worst. I had a week long break from school and he invited me down to see him. I stayed with him for two weeks and it was wonderful as usual, until the night before I planned to return home. I wanted to know what kind of relationship we would have when he returned back to the city we are both from and became distressed over the uncertainty between us. He explained to me that he was having a hard time working for his company anymore because he was doing things he didn't like and that he didn't want to think about us any longer. I asked him if he still planned on moving back, and he said he didn't know (although now we know in almost 100% certainty he's going to). He became very stressed out, and wondered how he could set aside his feelings for me so easily with work. After I became very upset at the situation, worrying that he didn't care about me he began throwing his arms down, making frustrated noises, and had a hard time describing himself. He said that with the way that I describe my feelings to him he isn't sure whether he loves me as much, and that he doesn't think our relationship is balanced. Yet I've always gotten the impression for him that he cares about me as much as I do him, except expresses himself differently or just not as well. He cried a lot that night, and got physically ill talking about the subject.

I can't figure out whether he's put himself on emotional lockdown because he can't handle having an emotional relationship with me and while working on a project he doesn't care about very much or whether he's realizing that he doesn't care about me as much as I care about him. We've talked a fair bit since the event although in small chunks because he gets very upset, and every time I tell him I'm upset about how things turned out between us he tries to comfort me but doesn't know how. He tells me that he's there if I need to talk, but I'm not getting much in return.

I worry that my emotions aren't something he wants to deal with yet he tells me he cares about me and that I make him happy. I don't know what he's thinking or how to react to this situation. I love this man more than I've ever loved anyone before and I'm willing to do whatever I can to both understand and make things easier on him. I don't know if I'm being too abstract with the way I write either because sometimes he tells me I am. If you have any advice which can offer me perspective or a way of dealing with him as a person more effectively I would love some advice. Right now I feel horrible.

This sounds like a classic case of an Aspie needing to shutdown. Aspies tend to get overwhelmed within relationships after a while. The stress from being in a different area, having lots of problems at work he needs to focus on & the general problems with a long distance relationships got to him. He probably broke up because the long distance relationship is too much for him to deal with the other things. This may just be a temporary thing where he needs his space so he can focus more on his job rite now. I'm sorry I'm not being more helpful ATM

No, that was incredibly helpful. Thank you for responding.

I'm actually hoping it's just that, but from the way he talks about it sometimes I'm not sure. He won't admit that is what he's doing when I ask him why he can't just assume we'll pick our relationship back up where we left off and he usually just tells me "not now" or "we'll see when we get there."

For me it's super frustrating but I guess I've got to learn how to cope with it.

He may not be sure himself if he will want to continue the relationship or not. Sometimes Aspies break-up or give up on the relationship after shutting down but other times they don't. I think it comes to if you are willing to take the chance & stick by for now or not

I would love to stick around and work on things. I'm the only girl he's had any kind of serious relationship with (although in terms of length, it has been rather inconstant) and I'm more than happy to find creative ways to communicate. We're compatible in every other way, really. He wishes I had tunnel vision like he does though with work, and that I would get obsessed with a project like he does so he doesn't have to worry about paying attention to me so much.

I hope it all works out. I guess it's a little hard to invest in someone when they just shut down like this sometimes though.

The shut down...

Ah, yes. When I experience a shut down, I first encounter anxiety. I know what it is like to get absorbed in one project. Ultimately, you might need to tell him that your relationship is important. The thing about autism is that it is very hard to multi-task and balance our lives. That is a vital life skill that needs to be taught. Somehow, someway, you need to teach him this. Actually, that is a goal I have in the future is to create a life skills program that teaches us to how to cope with multiple things in our lives. Even I get super focused at times. It's a challenge. I suggest maybe creating a schedule for him that helps him plan out his days so that he has more freedom....not less. I mean, what I am saying, is that sometimes we get so stuck on one thing, even if other things are important to use, we just don't know what to do...Having structure is important. His job offers that. The question is how can he have structure in other areas of his life?

You might be interested. I'm not sure, but on my YouTube channel, I have several videos on autism and dating. Most of the videos are aimed towards men on the spectrum, but they might also be of help to you.

Thanks, I'll definitely check it out.

Unfortunately, his job is the least structured thing in his life right now. He works whatever hours he wants and what he chooses to do at work is largely decided by what may lead his company to be successful in the future, which requires him at times to do a super-human amount of work. Most of the time it's difficult for him to justify taking a day off, let alone four (which is what he did when I went to visit him a few weeks ago -- even though it ended really badly the act of taking time off for me was definitely appreciated).

I don't think it's going to be me who decides our relationship is important. I already know and he's certainly difficult to reason with (believe me, I've tried). I'm just hoping that when he gets back, into a place he can call his own again instead of moving around all the time, has his things around him, and has the opportunity to see me on a regular basis he'll change his mind. Obviously he was upset about having to do it and he's dealing with the residual guilt, although trying not to think about it at all.

He's very stubborn. I have to sit back and wait. I just hope I'm still there when he gets his priorities in order and sees us in a positive light again.

He seems to have another thing common for him that is common for us, and that is overworking and doing more work than everyone. I wouldn't be surprised if he has a huge workload and yet at the same time isn't making appropriate pay for what he is doing...Maybe, I'm wrong though. But, this has been known to happen.

I wish us Aspie guys weren't so stubborn. I'm very stubborn, but I'm starting to see other perspectives as well. It has taken me some time to get there.

I really, really hope things work out between the two.

Ah! Yeah, he isn't making money at all right now really. He's essentially living in a house the company pays for and paying off student loans. The people they have hired are essentially being paid all the money that is left in the company right now, just so the company can keep functioning. He's sacrificed a lot for it. Hopefully it changes or at least pays off. He's a really smart guy.

I looked at one of your video entries and you two seem to have the same gaze in your eyes and talk a lot a like. It reminds me a lot of why I like him so much. I like it when people can talk succinctly and know their preferences.

I think that if him and I don't get back together it's going to be a long time before I find someone that I care about as much as I do him. I've spent a lot of time in relationships (more than most people) because someone always seems to be interested in me and "decent enough," but after meeting him I'm not sure I have loved anyone else but him, and I certainly can't go back to dating people that aren't as capable as him.

It just feels right. So yeah, I hope he comes around. Thanks for your kind words.

You are welcome, and I really do wish you the best.

I can only speak for myself.I'm not really a diagnosed aspie,but I have no doubt I'm on the edge of the spectrum.Your guy sounds alot like me when I get overwhelmed.It's very tough to express feelings at those times.Not because I don't have them,but I can't get them out and it's incredibly frustrating.It also sounds like you have something really special.
I can't juggle alot of intense things in my life at the same time.
.I'm a musician who tried to have a live-in relationship with a woman I was in a band with.We had a great rapport and had a nice time,but in the end she needed more connection than I could give and she had issues I didn't feel she was looking at.I was just finding out and coming to grips with my wiring and was overwhelmed at trying to sort out my past and look at my future,be creative musically,take care of a house and a rental property,travel for other artists music situations,be sober,attend to her needs and find time for myself.
I would never tell you or anyone what to do in a given situation.Only you can decide what's best for you.I can tell you that I couldn't have cared more for this person ,or be more commited than I was.Other women would occasionally offer themselves to me and I turned them down.I was deeply hurt when it ended.I ended it because I was overwhelmed and hurting.If this guy cares for you so much that he is physically ill at the thought of separation he probably cares deeply for you.Aspies like me are some of the most devoted,honest to a fault,caring individuals you will ever meet.Again.I don't know if this describes your situation,but I would try to give it a chance,unless you really can't deal with it.Love like that is not so easy to find.Best of luck.

I can only speak for myself.I'm not really a diagnosed aspie,but I have no doubt I'm on the edge of the spectrum.Your guy sounds alot like me when I get overwhelmed.It's very tough to express feelings at those times.Not because I don't have them,but I can't get them out and it's incredibly frustrating.It also sounds like you have something really special.
I can't juggle alot of intense things in my life at the same time.
.I'm a musician who tried to have a live-in relationship with a woman I was in a band with.We had a great rapport and had a nice time,but in the end she needed more connection than I could give and she had issues I didn't feel she was looking at.I was just finding out and coming to grips with my wiring and was overwhelmed at trying to sort out my past and look at my future,be creative musically,take care of a house and a rental property,travel for other artists music situations,be sober,attend to her needs and find time for myself.
I would never tell you or anyone what to do in a given situation.Only you can decide what's best for you.I can tell you that I couldn't have cared more for this person ,or be more commited than I was.Other women would occasionally offer themselves to me and I turned them down.I was deeply hurt when it ended.I ended it because I was overwhelmed and hurting.If this guy cares for you so much that he is physically ill at the thought of separation he probably cares deeply for you.Aspies like me are some of the most devoted,honest to a fault,caring individuals you will ever meet.Again.I don't know if this describes your situation,but I would try to give it a chance,unless you really can't deal with it.Love like that is not so easy to find.Best of luck.

Well, update. Our relationship ended completely shortly after that post. We've not really been talking too much since then because every time I bring up my feelings he refuses to accomodate them and talk about his own -- our conversations feel unmatched with my level of intensity and his level of frustration.

I will be moving back to the city where we're both from in May and he's already back there. We've spoken a few times over chat and the last time was because I wanted to arrange a time for me to get my house keys back. He wanted to go for coffee, and I told him I didn't know if that would be such a good idea. He wants us to be friends, but I told him I wanted to be his girlfriend, not his friend. He says he doesn't want things to be awkward between us and he still cares about me and he wants things to be good when we run into each other, since we go to a lot of the same places and live in the same neighbourhood. This conversation didn't really get us anywhere.

He claims he's still trying to figure out how he feels about everything and get settled into the city again (which, he says he has a hard time doing without a permanent home) and I warned him that if the odds fall in my favour he's a month too late. He says the feelings he gets thinking about what happened between us are unpleasant for him so he tries to think about other things. When we get into discussions about these kinds of things he always just makes an excuse to get back to work.

I've never been hurt by anyone the same way he hurt me and I'm at odds with my feelings. If we don't talk I can move on. If we do talk I have a hard time directing my affections towards anyone else, and that's problematic because he doesn't seem to want them.

I'm sorry to hear that.Maybe it's just too much to deal with right now.I know it has to work for everyone concerned and it doesn't sound like it's working.Sorry.