Showing love to an Aspie

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Teebie
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28 Jan 2014, 7:19 am

Another of life's big questions:

As an NT wife what is the best way of showing my AS husband that I love him? i.e not telling him so much as gathering up all the little things that make a differene to him but that i habitually miss. As he constantly says to me, it's not about saying it's about actions and actions for him are defined as words, deeds and feelings.

Marcia
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28 Jan 2014, 7:54 am

How does he show love to you?

Yesterday, I read back all your previous posts, and there is little to nothing about how your husband tries to work with you in this relationship. It does seem that he is the one doing all the criticising (of you) and that you are the one doing all the pleasing (of him).

So, how do your husband's words, deeds and feelings demonstrate his love for you?

aspiemike
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28 Jan 2014, 10:04 am

Whatever Love language he is speaking to you is the language you should be speaking back. So my guess is actions words and feelings would indicate one of the following:

Words of Affirmation.
Acts of Service.

_________________
Your Aspie score: 130 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 88 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

Teebie
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28 Jan 2014, 10:42 am

He does show his love to me, Marcia, but he's in such a dark place.

The trouble with this site I suppose is that I resort to it at times of crisis so the picture it gives is inevitably skewed. I would not stay with the man if i truly thought any inbalance was going to be a permanent thing.

I just need to find a way to reconnect with him because the man i love and married is still in there, just buried so very deep

Soccer22
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28 Jan 2014, 11:06 am

Marcia wrote:

Yes I agree with Marcia. I read back the posts yesterday of the OP and the OP has been referring for advice for a long time now. Almost a year if I'm remembering correctly. My advice to the OP, go to a therapist who can more appropriately help you. And secondly, from what I gather, your husband hasn't been officially diagnosed, so maybe he should go to a professional who can say whether or not he has Asperger's.

coffeebean
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28 Jan 2014, 11:14 am

aspiemike wrote:

I think looking into something like the love languages is a much better idea than asking how to show love to an Aspie, since a marriage is between two individuals and all Aspies are not alike. Quick and easy communication solutions are few and far between.

sly279
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28 Jan 2014, 3:26 pm

wish i could help but like the others said we all different, i like hearing i love you, kisses, hugs, cuddling, doing something special, whereas another might prefer alone time, actions , like helping them with stuff, (i actually don't know not being them and all)

i think its cool that you trying to though, its always nice to see that in a otherwise dark world that maybe there's hope i'll find Someone if others have.

best of luck

mouthyb
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28 Jan 2014, 4:01 pm

Teebie: Tell him to get his ass on here. Having a community which makes you feel more normalized makes a HUGE difference in resilience and will probably help him orient himself. It doesn't sound like he's in a place which will let him reciprocate easily (it also sounds like his work is really stressing him out.)

It might help him deal with the constant stresses of being different in a more productive way.

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Teebie
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28 Jan 2014, 4:19 pm

mouthyb wrote:

I wish. I have occasionally pointed out comments on here to trigger a conversation but he just isn't interested in 'joining'. I do think it would help him but he's so resistant to this kind of thing. Thinks he's managed well enough on his own all these years - despite the evidence of failing relationships.

And thank you for your good thoughts Sly279

KWifler
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28 Jan 2014, 4:56 pm

What is he spending his time doing all alone?
Do you have other people to socialize with?
Is it the end of the world if an Aspie doesn't socialize for a while?
What are his stress outlets? What are your stress outlets?

I know my Aspie dad won't accept other people's ideas being pushed on him.
Introduce things in small doses, don't rationalize it, familiarize it.
If he has any curiosity, help build it until it becomes a motivator.
Bring forward information from the world, not from you.
Never give him an excuse to disagree with you, he can disagree with the world instead.
Don't kill the messenger.

You didn't hear it from me... but... this strategy really works wonders. :wink:

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Who_Am_I
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29 Jan 2014, 1:50 am

Again:

Quote:

stop trying to be perfect and make him take some responsibility for his own damn emotional regulation

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The_Face_of_Boo
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29 Jan 2014, 2:35 am

Sex (more accurately...love making) is often the strongest love indicator a woman shows to a man, it can hardly be faked.

sly279
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29 Jan 2014, 3:23 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Sex (more accurately...love making) is often the strongest love indicator a woman shows to a man, it can hardly be faked.

it is? o.O women and guys can have sex without love.

i think sex can be a stong feeling of closeness but idk if i'd see it as the strongest love indicator.

Teebie
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Joined: 30 Apr 2013
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29 Jan 2014, 3:38 am

KWifler wrote:

I know my Aspie dad won't accept other people's ideas being pushed on him.
Introduce things in small doses, don't rationalize it, familiarize it.
If he has any curiosity, help build it until it becomes a motivator.
Bring forward information from the world, not from you.
Never give him an excuse to disagree with you, he can disagree with the world instead.
Don't kill the messenger.

You didn't hear it from me... but... this strategy really works wonders. :wink: