Someone please help me; I am in a lot of pain :*-(

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I am an NT. I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year. He is unusual and extremely intelligent, which are some of the reasons I fell in love with him -- hard. He has also exhibited some behaviors that puzzled, confused, and hurt me; and it has come to light that he has Asperger's. Because I know that he would never hurt me on purpose, I have forgiven and forgotten all of the strange and confusing things he did that were emotionally painful to me at the time.

He gave me every indication that he was about to "pop the question" over the past couple of months. He was talking about the future, us retiring together, us opening our own business, and basically integrating me into his life to a huge extent. It's hard to explain, but a guy acts a certain way when he is about to propose. He was giving off those signals. When I told my friends and family, they also thought the same thing, so it was not just me. *His* friends also thought so!! And I overheard several of them saying things like "THIS one's a keeper", "You need to marry her" etc.

As an aside, I have definitely proved my worth to him, too. I won't go into details; but suffice it to say he got into a couple of terrible scrapes, and I was there to help him through.

Well ... there was a little, fancily-wrapped jewelry box in a special stocking he made just for me on Christmas Eve, a box that he would not allow me to open until last thing Christmas Morning. You can imagine what I thought when I opened it ... and it was some type of fancy computer memory card! I did not let on anything, though, and just smiled and thanked him (honestly) for the thoughtful gift (which it was).

I thought maybe New Years Eve was the night; and he hinted that it was. We were at a very special party, and he was telling me constantly how excited he was to have found me, out of all the people in the world. He handed me a jewelry box in private upstairs where we were staying ... and no ring. It was a nice bracelet; but not an engagement ring. Again, I thanked him graciously and honestly.

The weeks went on. I can in all honesty say we were a couple *blissfully* in love! Our physical relationship was fantastic, too! He told me again and again there were no words for how much he loved me, and he "always" wanted to be with me. He even told me he thought I was his "True Love". And more proposal signals being given off left and right. V-day came ... no ring.

Finally it started to eat away at me. I have integrated as much of his unusual behavior as possible, such as him not needing to see me more than a couple of times a week, and other things such as him never giving me compliments, his rigidity/control issues, lack of conversation, not being able to talk about emotional things, etc. because I LOVE HIM. But it just all came to a head and I talked with him about the marriage thing.

He said he was "stunned I would think that" and "he had no intention of asking me to marry him". The times we spent together were "special, but not that special." This coming from a guy who acted so in love with me he would sometimes start to cry from the wonder of it all. And this coming from a guy who said "he lived for our weekends together, it was all he thought about".

I was shocked ... well, that's not strong enough of a word for it. Devastated is a better word. I started to cry which of course was a big mistake. I asked him if he would ever marry me in the future and it was like talking to a robot. He said "Not in the foreseeable future." Then he got annoyed and asked me "How am I supposed to know what will happen in the future, when it has not even happened yet??"

It was like listening to someone talk about stocks and bonds. He had NO. Emotion. Whatsoever. It was like he was in a business meeting. Then of course he got mad that I was "being unreasonable" and it caused a big issue that lasted a week.

Apparently one of his issues is that I "have a kid" and he "has no intention of running his schedule around a kid, or being in the same house as a kid". He "does not want to be my kid's dad, because he has one already" (yeah, my kid's dad is a lying, irresponsible cheater; I have full custody -- but that's another post). Also, "kids are too noisy and chaotic for him". This shocked me, too, and angered me, because he KNEW I had a kid from DAY ONE!! And HE had asked ME, and convinced ME to be his girlfriend!! I had just wanted to be friends! AND ... he spends quality time with my kid ALL THE TIME, unasked, and acts like he LIKES it!

Anyway ... I asked him why he would choose to date a woman with a kid if he felt that way about kids, and he said "How was I supposed to know we would fall in love?"

THEN he said "I have to make sure that, out of all the millions of fish in the sea, that you're the one who can keep everything calm; that you're the right one." It will take "years". WTH? Gee, what a SWEET thing to say. So glad I am still competing with all of the other "fish in the sea" after all he and I have been through together; which is a lot (can't go into it here). There were many points during which a sane woman would have probably run for the hills, frankly.

And ... he was a single dad when he was younger (his kid is grown now); he has been married before; to someone with borderline personality disorder; then he had a bad 5-year r-ship with a lying cheater who he asked to marry him ... AFTER she lied cheated on him for a YEAR! But *I* might not be the right one??

Finally, it ended with him saying he would "like to be married someday", and would "like it to be me" but "he's not ready yet". What tired lines. Does he not know how cliche that sounds ... as well as completely fake? I wasn't born yesterday. I know that "not ready to be married" means "not wanting to marry YOU". But that's in the NT world ... or is it??

I told him I understood, and would not hold it against him, since he said we are a "committed couple" and "he loves me more than the stars in the sky". And, God help me, I love him so.

But it hurts me every day, all the time, and I don't know how I can go on.

Is he a player? Is this something to do with Asperger's? Am I a fool to believe him?

I really do hurt, like my heart has been smashed into a million pieces. And I have my child to think of. I mean, I don't want to be on my own forever. And I am constantly turning other guys away, who ARE into marriage.

In case you are wondering about these things, I have been told I am highly attractive (I used to be a professional actress). I work out four to five times a week, dress cool, have a great job, and a master's degree. I love to laugh, and I have an offbeat sense of humor. I am laid-back. I just thought I would throw these facts in, in case anyone wonders if he does not want to marry me because I am unattractive, or mean, or something. Plus, I am not into money. He makes three times as much as me, but I still pay for half of our dates. So, I am not a golddigger.

Right now I am not talking to him as much, because I don't want to start a fight; any discussion about this topic, no matter how delicately and lovingly spoken, will make him think we are "in a fight" and he will start yelling, shaking, and crying.

Please, some advice from the wonderful, intelligent, creative Aspie crowd ... but be kind to me. My soul is in terrible pain right now.

After reading your story and it touched my heart and I feel so bad for you. I would say that he is second guessing himself and letting what has happened in the past affect his future with you.

It some times can be hard for us Aspies to move on and yes he sounds like a Aspie but you can't really define him as just a Aspie we are people too just diffrent are brains are not wired like the NT world.

He seems to really love you but pushing such issues on him will cause frustration I do not think that he doesn't want to marry you but if you keep bringing up marriage around him it could cause him to push you away.

He isn't a player but he seems to have some sort of fear about getting married again he might be thinking that you will just end up hurting him the way his ex wife did.

Try talking to him about thing's just don't bring up him not proposing or not wanting to marry you it could be that he is just experienccing mood swings which is common for all Aspies to go threw.

Give it some time I am sure when he does propose to you it will be when your not expecting it.

I will probably come back to this later because I don't have time to say everything right now, but I do have two important things I want to tell you.

1) A year really isn't that long to be dating someone. I don't see how anyone can know they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone after just one year. Actually, it makes even more sense since in most relationships the "love hormones" wear off after about four years, so shouldn't people wait at least four years to see if they're truly compatible and not just confused by hormonal imbalance?
Another thing--I hate to play the "my ex tried to kill me" card, but it seems relevant here. After approximately 2.5 years of dating, he...tried to kill me. I thought I knew him and could trust him, but I couldn't. From what you've said, I think he's had some bad experiences with dating and marriage. Maybe he's trying to be more careful this time?

2) Try to take the things he says more literally. When he says, "Not in the forseeable future," he probably means that it's not going to happen soon enough for him to predict that it will happen--say, a week to a month or two? I also agree with him--how is he supposed to know what will happen in the future? How will he know if his feelings change, or you turn out not to be who he thinks you are, or he dies in a car accident, or anything like that? He may even have more trouble with something like this than I do; a lot of people with Asperger's Syndrome have a very hard time lying, so maybe he doesn't want to tell you anything if he doesn't know for sure that it will happen.

Actually, I guess I have a third one. 3) Never assume anything with an Autistic person! You must be new to this, because if you weren't you'd know that unless we are very high functioning, we will never send hints! Alternatively, if we do, it will either be painfully obvious or completely accidental. Don't assume that just because he's acting a certain way means he's trying to tell you something. When in doubt, ask him! The general rule should be that if he doesn't explicitly tell you something, you don't need to worry about it.

Also, I love how he had the special jewelry box and it had a fancy memory card in it. That is SO Autistic!

I hope this helps, and I hope you feel better.

[quote="diniesaur"]

Also, I love how he had the special jewelry box and it had a fancy memory card in it. That is SO Autistic!

I know right I was thinking the same thing I did that one time and she slapped me Im like what what I do

I feel for you, you sound like you genuinely love him and he probably knows how lucky he is to have the love of someone like you.

Joker is right, aspie brains behave a little bit like computers sometimes- once it's programmed a certain way it seems to take a long time to change it. If he's been in a bad marriage in the past it will definitely take a lot of time and patience for him to feel like he can go there again.
The worst thing you can do is try and push him into it, it will backfire. Give him time as long as you feel like you can wait and wait for him to bring it up. If you can prove to him that you can give him the space he needs, that more than anything will reassure him that he is ready to marry you.
Still, I think it's really good that you talked to him about it and told him what you wanted, otherwise he might never have known.

The first birthday gift I got from my husband when we were dating was a computer graphics card, so I laughed in acknowledgement when you got your bit of tech bling.

The biggest flag I see is in regards to your son.. My husband gets very tense when he's around kids and can't handle being around them when they are screaming or running around. I believe it's a sensory issue, sharp noises affect him so much more than it affects me. Also his brain doesn't deal well with spontaneous random things which kids are full of.
It sounds like your guy is similar in this, so this would be a long term issue to consider.. I'm sure it can be worked around but it will take a lot of patience from your end since it really is quite a physical problem that will be hard for him to overcome.

Thak you, thank you both for your thoughtful, and very helpful replies. I feel better knowing that you guys understand what I am talking about.

I also learned some new things, too, which are helpful, as well. That's very interesting about not looking for hints. I never knew that ... I am new to this, just as you so intuitively guessed.

My yoga teacher says "Feeling gratitude and never expressing it is like wrapping a present and never giving it". So ... thank you both again.

And you both gave me a smile ... the memory card Christmas present ... it IS funny!! (-: And charming, too.

And thank you, Truthtree, as well. I feel very safe here, talking about these things. Namaste!

I agree that the kid thing is a physical thing, too. I have seen my BF pour sweat and shake just from hearing a kid sing loudly. I think you are right.

Oh and yoga is a great way to channel out the hurt
It's been so much better for me since I discovered that.

I know, it's amazing!! Sometimes I cry during the meditation. I usually am thinking about my boyfriend and how much I love him, and I send him my love energies.

Your post was really sweet. It helped a lot.

He's probably afraid of losing himself. It's a big scary thing.

I take long walks to emotionally process. If I didn't have this, I would probably be lost in the world.

Him saying, how do I know what the future holds, that's probably aspie literalness.

He can say things, and then later emotionally process. Hopefully, he'll realize how he's hurt you.


The two of you might still continue and develop a really good relationship, and yes, marry. It's just a very awkward time. And yes, most of it does sound like it's from him being on the Asperger's-Autism Spectrum.

If you're interested, here's a website of famous people on the spectrum. http://www.asperger-syndrome.me.uk/people.htm Some of them have had good personal relationships and some of them have not. And most people on the spectrum, like most people generally in life, are not famous.

And please continue to think of us as a resource here. Here's sending you best wishes!

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 03 Apr 2012, 8:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ouch, I can see where the memory chip in a jewelry box was extremely upsetting!

In a way, though, I see it as a symbol of the relationship: he is always going to be the intelligent, awkward aspie (the computer chip) but he is trying to re-package himself to satisfy your expectations (the fancy box). Kind of sweet/touching in a (frustrating to you!) way.

He sounds very sweet, but sometimes Aspies don't like being told what to do (even if it's what they might have done anyway) so all the pressure from friends/family may have been a setback. If you decide to stick with him (a big decision!), and if he decides to propose someday, it will probably be in an unexpected (but sweet) context. He may have been testing the waters at Christmas in his own small way, he recognized there was a social pressure/obligation to give you a gift object in a nice box, but can't fully wrap his head around why that object needs to be a ring specifically.

If he is clever, next Christmas, he will give you a memory card box with a ring inside.

but you can't really suggest that to him.

No that would not be a good ideal I am sure that he will surprise her that's what I would do.

Hey, maybe we can suggest it to him! She can give us his email and we can be a Mysterious Force from Beyond that tells him to do it!

In all seriousness, I completely understand the children thing. I have a four-year-old brother, and sometimes he's hard to handle sensory-wise. I mean, kids are already hard enough to deal with...but I love him, and that makes all the difference. I'm not sure if your boyfriend loves your kid, though, so it may not work that way. Another option is for you to wait unitl the child is older to get married and live in the house. If your relationship can't survive that long without you getting married, it wasn't meant to be.

I think that would work but if he just took the time to be around her son more he could grow to love him I have a three year old neice and I love her to death in fact she is coming over to day

All I can say is, I love you all. Thank you all so very much for your support and insights ... and clever Christmas gift ideas! (-; As well as offering to be Voices from Beyond.

Yeah, he HATES HATES HATES being told what to do. More than anyone I have ever known!

I feel like I can fall asleep now. This has been on my mind all day, eating away at me, but I feel somewhat relieved.

Good night, and sleep well, everyone!!