Kids, house and responsibilities

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Here's something I'm very interested in getting some input on.

I'm what you would call NT, and my girlfriend of close to 7 years has AS with an attention disorder component. She was only diagnosed some 18 months ago, and the diagnosis has been helpful for both of us - before that I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why she was so... odd

But most of the standard AS/NT misunderstandings are done. Not saying that communication issues, eye contact issues, mutual emotional understanding issues etc. are non-existent, but we can cope with that. What's tearing us up right now is that we're getting rather serious about having kids and buying a house. Which is great, but (from my point of view) she has quite severe issues with procrastination and perseverance (or lack thereof). With just the two of us in an apartment that's manageable, but my fear is that with kids and a house to take care of I'll be doing all the heavy lifting, with all the responsibility ultimately falling on my shoulders, while I still need to work full time to provide for us, essentially burning the candle at both ends until there's nothing left.

So... what are your thoughts or advice? I'm grateful for any fresh perspective on this

is she working full-time as well? if you wanted, you could be a stay-at-home dad while she supported the household. or if you are both planning to continue working, then you could draw up a schedule for cleaning and such.

does she currently do any cooking or cleaning at all?

This could be the watershed moment in your relationship. You know what you're getting into, so there's no-one but you to blame if she doesn't change her ways.

She's working part time, and in comparison, her income is negligible. So stay-at-home dad is unfortunately not an option (were things different, I wouldn't mind!), but stay-at-home mom might very well be.

Yes, we have a very detailed chores schedule. It mostly works, but for two problems:
1) I experience a "drift" where her responsibilities tend to become common responsibilities, which tend to become my responsibilities, until we sit down to revise it. Then the drift starts again, and we reiterate
2) There are some chores she has trouble with, e.g. because of sensitivity to noise.

It's not just about physically executing stuff that needs to be done, though. For me, it's a lot about sharing responsibility and trusting that should I fall, she would pick me up. Should I fail, everything wouldn't come crashing down around us.



Well, I could blame her...
In all seriousness, though, yes this is a watershed moment. Which is why I'm looking for outside perspectives and/or similar experiences.

She has to want to change, otherwise she wont. So, like I said already, it's up to you and it'll be on your head if she doesn't.

Kids and houses and family and marriage pretty much never go the way you thought they would, no matter how well you stack the odds in your favor. Life is full of curve balls.

When you truly care about someone, you may still get frustrated, but you do learn to just .... let it go.

I'm the big procrastinator in our family, and I really really hate the housework, and all that is hard on my husband, who is probably the Aspie in our pair. But it isn't like there are not many things I give back. Every relationship finds its own balance, with each person contributing more or less or differently depending on the swings in their life and their mood, the most important thing being that each continues to want to contribute what they can, and that neither has a need to weigh it out on a scale.

I'm a really good mom, an ace volunteer with the schools, and I move in and out of working various part time schedules depending on how stable he feels his work situation is, and how stressed he is getting at work. I read him well, and I know how to give him what he needs. Over the years of our marriage he has done things he thought he would never be able to do, like start a business.

You just never know ... marriage ... life ... is a journey.

I think you marry the person you love, and that you feel good being with. Because the truth is you could marry the most amazing, hard charging, career blessed woman, and find her disabled with MS tomorrow. That is what partnership is about: the journey.

I like maid service, myself, btw. I'll take that over nice clothes and jewelry any time. We all find our balance.

My suggestion would be to take things one step at a time. Consider getting the house instead of worrying about having kid. Us Aspies tend to handle things a lot better with one step at a time & moving into a house & then planning on having kids soon after could be very overwhelming to her. She may get better at handling things after your move into a house & you help her step up but she may not.