Did i do the right thing for him?

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I suspect my bf has very very mild Asperger's. He tends to just need a ton of solitude, has some distinct sensory issues, deep hobbies & bullet points in his routines, obsesses about his interests for much of his day, major rigidness about those things, cannot usually bear to look me in the eye (In two years), has seemed rude many times- but doesn't understand why I or others think so, esp when I try to intro him to friends (he shakes hands w/o looking at them and then ignores them/us), and says he does not experience emotions in a way that he can articulate--- certainly not love as I experience it. He lives like a man who wants to be on his own island, and says he knows he's not like other people, but cannot change. However, he works a steady job, is well liked although considered a bit of a strange guy and a loner, and seems to get along great with his coworkers. He does not socialize with other people in his life (band, fellow radio station volunteers, etc.). His only other friends seem to be people he has known since childhood...

I did not know about his possible AS until we had a tearful (my tears) series of 3 late night talks over the course of a month about what, if anything, he feels for me. He said he was feeling pressured (thought I was dropping hints for him to move in and.or get married when I was just asking him about his opinions on those things). When I said I wasn't giving him ultimatums or anything like that, and that I "just want to find a way for us both to be happy and get what we need" - he jumped up, said he couldn't do this anymore, didn't want to do anymore damage, and that he had to leave. It was 3am. I was shocked and devastated.

A few days later, we agreed to stay bf and gf, made plans for the next week-- and at the last minute he got sick. Two days later, he called and said he couldn't do this anymore, that he was unhappy with his life and didn't know why (his dad is very ill, so is his sis, he has had to work nonstop and deal with people there nonstop for a few months now). And then gave me a list of times he thought I had been overly emotional, said he thought I was hinting at wanting bigger commitments ( I don't, but I get why he might assume that). When I said that I did not need any of that, and only want to be with him, he accused me of backpedalling. (When he makes up his mind, there is no reasoning with him or convincing him otherwise.) He proceeded to say to me "You've done everything right in this relationship. I've done it wrong. But I just can't... not right now. I don't know why I'm so unhappy. It's not just you; it's several directions."

He seemed so distraught and overwhelmed.


Toward the end of the conversation, I said "Ok. If I love you, I have to want your happiness, and if this is hurting you, I have to step aside gracefully." He asked, "Do you really believe that?" To which I replied, "Yes, unfortunately for me I do." And then I burst into tears.

I managed to croak out, "Ok- well, I guess this is goodbye then." To which he replied, "It's not goodbye. I still want you in my life. I just can't do this... not right now."

I stayed clear for a couple of weeks, and then visited him where he works... no drama. we talked like we always have for about 30 mins, and then as he got off work, he walked me to my car. He gave me the longest hug and very tender kiss.

I told him that I miss him ever so much. He replied that he misses me too (he;s not inclined to say this type of thing unless he means it.). I asked if he would like to go to lunch. He seemed receptive and asked when.

Well the day came and at the last minute he wrote that he couldn't and maybe we could do it on the weekend.

The weekend came and went (he was crazy busy)-- so I suggested maybe an alternate date would be better.

I didn't hear back from him for a couple of days (not unusual for him) but got the reply last night, "i don;t think it's a good idea for us to see each other right now. I haven't felt like seeing anyone. I have no rational explanation; just that I don't feel like being social at all right now."

So here are my questions:

1) Given all his back and forth, emphasis on not being able to do this "right now"- and saying emphatically that he doesn't want me out of his life--- is it foolish to think that he just needs a break and that we might reconcile once this stress in his life has passed?

2) Does this sound like AS? And more specifically, does this sound like a shutdown? ( He is still functioning at work (he works with the public) and when i visited was joking around with his workmates. However, when I have heard him on his radio show, I know his voice, and he doesn't have the same energy. )

3) I wrote back to him, "It's ok- I understand. If you need space, you've got it. I care about you deeply, and even though this is hard, I understand." Was that the right thing to do?

4) How long should I wait before contacting him? It has always been a case of me needing to open the door with him. A couple of weeks? A month? The original incident was in late Feb... but he still seems so conflicted a month later. I am devasted; I love him so much. But I want to do what's right for him too.

Any input is appreciated...

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So here are my questions:

1) Given all his back and forth, emphasis on not being able to do this "right now"- and saying emphatically that he doesn't want me out of his life--- is it foolish to think that he just needs a break and that we might reconcile once this stress in his life has passed?

2) Does this sound like AS? And more specifically, does this sound like a shutdown? ( He is still functioning at work (he works with the public) and when i visited was joking around with his workmates. However, when I have heard him on his radio show, I know his voice, and he doesn't have the same energy. )

3) I wrote back to him, "It's ok- I understand. If you need space, you've got it. I care about you deeply, and even though this is hard, I understand." Was that the right thing to do?

4) How long should I wait before contacting him? It has always been a case of me needing to open the door with him. A couple of weeks? A month? The original incident was in late Feb... but he still seems so conflicted a month later. I am devasted; I love him so much. But I want to do what's right for him too.

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My opinion, and I'll be interested in hearing other people's opinions too!

1. No, it's not foolish to think you may get back together once his stress has passed.

Yes, it sounds like AS. And not "very, very, mild" AS it sounds to me like full-blown, typical AS.Yes, some of us with AS can keep a job. But when things get tough, family problems, etc. it becomes more difficult to function, and we have to "shutdown" in other areas of life to keep functioning at work.

It takes an extreme amount of energy for me to deal with the public.

3. Yes, that's the best gift you could possibly give him.

4. I would wait a month before contact him.

You are doing EVERYTHING RIGHT and he is lucky to have someone like you in his life that is working so hard to understand him.

Are you two posters related?

Sorry that I have no advice. I was confused for a moment by the very similar user names.

I do hope you get it worked out though.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Thanks... I suffer from a mild form of attachment disorder, and since we share some of the same features, I find it easy to empathize with needs for solitude and the need to avoid/recover from overstimulation. I am kind of an emotional person... but my protective avoidant tendencies have made it possible to find a rhythm together until recently. Thanks!

I love him tremendously, and respect him more than any other man I have ever met, much less been involved with.

@ OliveOilMom

Nope just a coincidence!

I would also be very grateful for other suggestions or insights from anyone willing to share.

1. He does sound like he has Asperger's, and I agree with one of the other posters--it's not a mild case.

2. Right now he has two close relatives who are ill. This is bound to be causing him a lot of stress, even if he doesn't give any obvious emotional symptoms of it.

3. It takes a lot of mental energy for us to deal with the public. Under normal life circumstances he was doing okay, but now is that his relatives are ill things are not normal for him. The added stress is causing an overload.

4. Trying to meet your needs on top of the job, and the sick family members is more than his system can handle right now, so for a while you will have to take a back seat to the family and job. Don't feel bad about taking a back seat to the job. That's how he pays the bills, so he really needs the job. Even in a good economy it is hard for many of us on the spectrum to hold jobs. In this lousy economy we are even less employable, as there are many, many out of work NTs for bosses to pick from, who won't be so weird or hard to work with. So he is very lucky to have this job.

5. He is also lucky to have someone willing to stick by him, even if it is at a distance right now. So be patient. Don't call him constantly, but every now and then let him know you have been thinking of him.

6. There is one thing, though. When a person brings marriage, or living together, etc., into a conversation with their BF or GF, it means they are interested in the next level, but may be willing to put that level on a back burner for a while if the other person isn't ready yet. Your BF knew what you meant, even if you aren't able to admit it, so yes, this was stressing him out too. He is not ready to deal with this while dealing with his sick relatives.

Don't feel too bad because he has said he still wants you in his life, you just have to back off for a while.

I hope his relatives get better, and I hope things work out for the two of you.

Thank you. I have trepidations about how I would get my emotional meeds met in this relationship.. but for most of our first two years, anytime I would get a little ragged, he would do something so small and so sweet that I was just floored.

Do you all think I should gently mention the possibility of Asperger's to him? He seems to be baffled by his inability to be affectionate, etc.

It's impossible to say whether or not he has AS from your post. There are many things which can superficially mimic AS, such as schizoid personality disorder or some types of schizophrenia, especially the prodrome of schizophrenia, which can last many years.

Your boyfriend obviously needs some time to himself to figure things out, and obviously can't provide you with what you need in a relationship right now. It sounds like the best course of action, in my opinion, would be to officially take a break.

Hi Bookworm773,

I am sorry to hear about your situation.

I know that when the world gets too much and I shutdown it is terrible for all those that care about me. At times loved ones have tried desperately to help me without knowing what was affecting me so deeply, so obviously they didn't even know where to begin with helping me. Attempting to force communication only made me lock up tighter, and the persistent thought of their concern and pain only made my own pain worse.

For me it is helpful and deeply loving when those that cared for me kept their distance to allow me recover without cutting contact completely. It always meant a lot to receive messages that didn't require a response but let me know that I was loved and thought of.

I hesitate to recommend the same to you because everyone is different...perhaps others will offer an opinion.

My best wishes to you both.

Since the Holidays, he had seemed so much more distant, and was working more, plus traveling out of state to see his family. I had no idea that AS might be in the picture, so I did not have perspective on his absence, reduced responsiveness to my calls/emails (I have never been one to send more than one or two emails a day, and rarely call him on the phone at all). He would go days without returning my emails, sex seemed to suddenly stop, etc....

I asked if he was stressed out about work, etc, and he said he was fine.

So I assumed it was us. I got super insecure and started asking him what I meant to him.

On another occasion, I asked late at night if he's ever been in love- with me or anyone else ( i seriously did not have a clue because he has always refused to have conversations about love or anything regarding his romantic history, so I has no scale to go by). He said he doesn't know what that is. When I explained it, he said "no" and that maybe he never had. Then he asked if I wanted him to leave.

A few weeks later, we were discussing a friend of his who is getting married. He said that he understands why people live together, but thinks marriage is pointless. I responded that I thought it was nice for some people, not necessarily for me, but that it's cool when people promise to work through the good and bad together, and put more effort in than when they were dating. After our breakup, he told me that this was part of the reason he didn't want to be with me anymore; because he thought that was, in his words, "horrible."


and then on the final night, a casual mention about a friend who commented that it was weird that he would not be friends with me on facebook set off a tearful discussion about me feeling like he holds me at arm's length...

Soon after the conversation devolved into me crying, him saying he was feeling pressured by my "hints" - me trying to convey that I hadn't been hinting and just needed to know where I stood with him- ( I really couldn't tell if he thought of me romantically, or if hanging out with me was just a default lately). He had barely acknowledged Valentine's day ( he did send a joke card the day after, by email) hadn't acknowledged my birthday the month before, or Christmas the month before that (I got a brief text on Christmas Day- no phone call or texts for the rest of the week he was w/ his family over the holidays). I realize he doesn't believe in holidays, but all of that just adds up to a girl like me feeling unloved, but trying to rationalize that it's stupid to get caught up in holidays/birthdays anyway. Usually, I can let this stuff go, but I was just so stressed...

So I was just reaching out, trying to get him to convey that he felt something, anything, for me.

And he flipped. Walked out.

Then when we talked over a week later, he refused to believe that I'm not after trying to marry or live with him. ( I cannot live with other people due to my own issues with introversion, so this misperception is killing me).

I'm dying, dying, dying to straighten this out, but he won't see me. After two years, I am just so hurt that he won't even sit for a conversation.

I get that my insecurity was probably the straw that broke the camel's back... but it just hurts. If I had been given any inkling about his possible AS situation, everything that preceded that insecurity would have been interpreted differently by me, and the last few conversations would not have even come up.

I'm just so distraught. I wish I knew how to make this better. I miss him so much. The thought of having lost him because of such stupid circumstances of my own ( I was working a ton, my own household was upset by a sub-letter which was making me frazzled, I am shy and had to do a public speaking thing (terrified), and I hadn't had more than 2-3 hours of sleep in over a month- Thus, I was more emotional than normal) is making me feel like the biggest fool. I hate that I ruined this and pushed him out.

I wish someone could tell me what to do. I know he wants space right now; I'm just so afraid I've lost him for good.

I'll get thrown out, if I say what I mean, but you know my answer.

I have no idea what your answer wold be, but I am assuming it would be negative since you say your would be thrown out. That's fine.

Thanks any way.

I am thinking about writing him a letter and waiting a couple of weeks to give it to him. Thoughts?

I'm married to a suspected Aspie, just so you know where I'm coming from.

Something I realized only recently (wish I had realized earlier, but then there are a million things I wish I had known earlier) is that while us NTs, (especially female NTs) think talking about the problems in the relationship as the way to solve them, it rarely works, especially with AS partners.
This book helped me think about this in a new light, I recommend it:
http://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage- ... 034&sr=8-1
Funny enough, the book isn't even supposed to be about AS, it talks about the differences between women and men and how talking rarely solves relationship problems.

To summarize the book as best I can, when women feel isolated from our partners the first thing we want to do is demand to talk about it. This is because ever since we were girls we've been raised to bond with others in society by communicating our vulnerability, and feel acute pain when we don't get that bond. But men are raised differently. They are raised to provide for others, so they feel acute pain when they are told that they're not providing well enough. So, as soon as we start talking about how we're hurt and frustrated, it triggers his shame and he starts feeling attacked and all he wants to do is withdraw. Since AS causes greater sensitivity you can understand that the pain would be even more unbearable.

I'm not talking from any high horse. My relationship with my husband is also damaged from years of me trying to tell him how hurt I feel, and I only recently realized the harm I was doing. I'm now trying to figure out how to swallow my own hurt so that I don't cause him even more hurt. It is ridiculously difficult but necessary, I think.

So my advice would be, yes, write that letter after giving him some time, but don't talk about the problems. Keep it light and just let him know you're there. He'll approach you when he's ready.
I'm sorry it must be so terribly difficult to wait it out but as someone who is married to an AS, patience patience patience and more patience is the one thing that always seems to work.

This sounds right on the money.

One of his refrains when we would hve those tearful talks was < 'If you can't stand the way I am, I can go. I know I'm not affectionate/don;t express myself. I don't know why I am this way, but I can't help it. It will probably only get worse as I get older."

And later he said, "You've done everything right in this relationship; I've done everything wrong."

it broke my heart to hear him say it. I didn't know about the AS thing at the time... but it still broke my heart since it sounded like he had been chastised before and almost expected me to throw him out.

I love him so much. I don;t know what to say in a letter at this point to convey my understanding (he does not know he has AS, as far as I am aware).

Any suggestions would be so appreciated....

Thanks...