Help! - I'm trying to understand, but it's not so easy

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I am in a relationship with an Aspie and I couldn't feel more helpless. What started off so easy has now become a struggle that I fear is affecting us both. I've been desperately seeking a solution that will result in what's best for both of us. I sought advice from a friend, but in the end we decided that if I wanted to understand, I needed to talk to people who actually KNOW. So here I am...

I've been with the most amazing man for some time now. He is incredibly intelligent, super sweet, and absolutely what I have been looking for. We started off perfectly and couldn't get enough of each other. I have anxiety and some other issues I deal with myself, but he seemed very able to handle it and keep me calm. In return I made extra effort to not make him uncomfortable and let him kind of take the lead. All was great! We seemed to compliment each others dysfunctions well and had a way of life that worked for us. Mind you, this was all very new to me. Like I stated above, I have my own issues. Intimacy being one of them. I didn't like it. I didn't want it. It made me uncomfortable. Which is what made me and him so miraculous. He made me feel comfortable and safe. He somehow got me to relax and at first it seemed that I was equally good for him. He seemed to be very excited by the fact that two weirdos like us who can't be that close, wanted nothing more than to be close. It was one of those "we fit" type things.

But then something changed. Suddenly, he grew so distant and cold. Sex stopped entirely, and any intimacy that was left after that followed. He doesn't want me to touch him. Doesn't want my affection. Doesn't want me. He stopped sleeping at the same time as me and seems to always be anxious for when I go to bed and he gets to do what he wants without me. This man that was so caring and perceptive of my needs, suddenly could care less about them. And at first I got angry. I felt like he was being selfish. Only thinking of himself. But suddenly I started to realize that he wasn't being selfish per say. Somehow, he just wasn't seeing the big picture. I started paying attention when he rejects me. Whenever that makes me sad, he notices. And usually responds by placing a hand on my leg or arm as a gesture of comfort. Whenever he does something that could possibly hurt my feelings he over explains it to make sure it doesn't. I see his efforts. I see that he doesn't want me to be sad. I get that. But what I don't get is why he doesn't want me anymore to begin with. I appreciate the efforts to lick my wounds, but I can't help but wonder what happened and why he suddenly avoids any and all real intimacy with me.

Now, I understand what the initial response to this is going to be, but I think it's more than that. I get that this is pretty textbook in regards to Aspergers. Yet, something is very confusing. These problems didn't exist early on. Something changed. Almost overnight. Like I did something. Like somehow I flipped a switch. I've tried talking to him about it directly, but no matter how I try to approach the subject, he gets VERY upset. He feels attacked. To him, he puts in so much effort to be a good bf that any questioning of him is hurtful. And I don't want to hurt him. That's very far from my goal here. I just need to find a way to not hurt him, while also getting what I need.

In fact, I saw him on a forum reading a post by an NT and he got upset at it. From my perspective, everything in that post described him and how it feels to be in this relationship now. But to him, the entire post was hurtful. I took the moment to try to approach the topic. I asked him if it was possible that it's a difference in perspective. He started to get the point, but then brushed it off again. It seems that while he wants people to understand his outlook, he has such a hard time trying to understand what it's like from this end. This being the case, I have to go about this situation like I'm walking on eggshells.

So here it is guys... Did I do something wrong? Am I doing something wrong? Is there something I can do to fix this? And how can I address it without freaking him out? Maybe not even all that. I'm not necessarily looking for someone to solve all my problems. But I would like some perspective. What makes you most comfortable in a relationship? I would like to understand so maybe I can handle this properly.

You've pretty much described a classic case of an Aspie shutdown. In a nutshell, it means your bf might need a bit of time to recover from the ton of social situations he's having. Really, the only thing you can do is to give him space (however much time he needs) to recuperate and he should start back talking to again, no problems! When giving him space, I'd suggest not contacting him, unless he asks you too. Hope all goes well!!

Thank you for your reply AScomposer13413! Just a couple questions if you don't mind...

1) Is it possible I caused this shut down? If so, how I do avoid it in the future?
2) How do I not contact someone who lives with me. In one little room lol... Just not talk to him until he talks to me?

observe his anti social behavure(SP), if he shuns everything, let him be. but if you see him try to be social help him, but stay at his pace, don't try to incurage(SP) him to try harder.
room life w/ a mate is hard.......i feel for you

Wow, Rainydays, I am an Aspie female and I literally just did a shutdown on my bf of the past six months.

He didn't do anything "wrong" to cause the shutdown except not really understanding just HOW HARD I tried to be comfortable in the social situations I had to be in to be with him, or how hard I tried to communicate how important he was to me.

Finally he just gave up and doesn't talk to me anymore. I am sad but contacting him might just give him hope that if we tried again, it might be different. I just don't think it can be different, unfortunately.

I wish you the best of luck with yours! I hope he comes around.

The situation you describe, living with a person, includes a certain obligation to interact. From my experience, i could never identify what i need or feel in such a situation until the urge for distance and boundaries became so overwhelming that i virtually stopped interacting with that person.

For instance, i managed not to talk to my grandmother for about six months after i felt she had violated my boundaries, although we were living together.

This sequence is almost impossible to understand for other people. It's like something the other person does is bothering me, but i'm not aware of it. Then the next step, bothering me a bit more, but i ain't aware, it all happens underneath my threshold of conscious awareness, and this happens 30, 50, or 100 times and all in a sudden i get aware of it, then everything makes sense and i need to create total distance to reset my system.

No idea if this applies for your bf, though. It's not necessarily a relationship thing but can be caused by workplace situations or family life as well; i think it's a certain blindness to one's own needs and boundaries in terms of proximity and distance.

I've seen this twice now and I'm wondering. You say that this can happen with an overload of social interactions... But he doesn't have to make ANY. We live with other people, but for the most part we keep to ourselves in our room. Mostly because my anxiety causes me social complications as well. I'd rather be home with my computer most days so there isn't much pressuring to be around my friends. He's actually better than me with handling strangers in most cases. He has even mentioned that he should find a way to make a friend of his own in the area (he moved here from across the country).

This is exactly why I think it's more ME making him uncomfortable somehow. There's nothing to make him shut down but me. Not that I'm trying to make this about me. I realize that went a little on the whiny side. It's just hard to accommodate him if I don't know what I'm accommodating. And if it's just me in general, well, I can't just change that entirely.

You sound a lot like my partner. Your husband sounds more than a bit like me.

I shut down myself over the past few months. I didn't want sex, didn't want intimacy all that much, and didn't even really like talking with him as much as I'd used to. We would have long conversations about just about anything, and it was always really interesting; we'd cuddle and talk and be happy.

Nothing changed. I just got exhausted and worn-out. I didn't see it coming, and it saddened me to find myself not enjoying our relationship as much as I'd used to. I gradually got more and more distant and even came across as "cold" or "indifferent" to him. He broke up with me in September. It was very rough on both of us - he said he'd "fallen out of love with me." I was destroyed. I didn't know how to explain or justify anything about what I perceived to be the way I treated him. And at the time, I didn't even know I had AS.

We are back together now. He is slowly growing to understand that I get a sort of "high" from interpersonal relationships, and eventually come down from it and become more reserved, disengaged, and even reclusive. We love being together but I honestly do feel stressed and anxious around him more than I'd like. I get irritated by little things about him and he tries his hardest to change, but really there's nothing he can do to make me want to be with him more.

Your relationship is fairly typical of living and being with an Aspie. It's frustrating for you, I'd certainly imagine, just as it is for my partner. You end up blaming yourself for pushing your partner away.

It is not you. It's the way Aspies are, and you need to learn to live with that. We need some time now and then to rest and reset - we get overloaded easily, and I for one do not understand why. All I know is that a little time apart (even whilst living together, meaning decreased interaction and the like) does some good.

I don't have that much life experience, I admit. I have, however, grown to accept that the way I am is going to stress and frustrate others and the results will likely upset me, but that's AS. I saw someone on this forum call us "bubble people" - like we live our lives inside a condom, so that we can take in and enjoy certain things in life, but block out others selectively when we feel like we've had enough. I recognize that's a silly-sounding analogy, but it's pretty accurate.

It is not easy to understand. I'd be lying if I told you I can offer you good advice. You're probably better off finding other NT-identified people who have been in similar situations if you really want experiential or a priori advice on being in a relationship with an Aspie. But from my perspective, your relationship is not unhealthy, merely in a rough spot because you don't quite comprehend the reasons behind your husband's sudden withdrawal from a more active role in the relationship. You clearly love and care about him a lot, though. As an Aspie, I can tell you - sometimes just knowing that is enough.

I can definately relate to how you are feeling, RainyDays.

It's vital that you read books in order to understand as much you possibly can about Aspergers. This has helped me a considerable amount and it definately improved my understanding and knowledge. The more you understand, the better it will be for the both of you. For me, it cleared up so much when I read about it. When I started to find out more, it made me more able to cope when shutdowns happen aswell. It's just like NullCoding and AScomposer said in the other posts, he's not doing it because of you, it's something Aspies just need to do at times when they require time alone.

Also, I think you are doing a good thing posting on here. A lot of Aspies on here are so nice and helpful. Their explainations will help you to understand what your boyfriend may currently be thinking or feeling.

One key thing here also is to have as much patience with him as possible. I am aware this is extremely hard and can be really frustrating but it'll be worth it in the end to keep your patience.

If there's anything you'd like me to help you with, please leave me a message because I can totally relate to this situation.

I don't understand what you mean when you say that it seems like he doesn't have any social interactions. Doesn't he interact with you? He's probably tired, because these people are right; it's exhausting to do all that hard work interacting correctly with people. I had to cut someone off who didn't want to be my friend because it was too hard for me to keep interacting with him if he wasn't going to be receptive.
Don't take it personally; it's not that we don't enjoy interacting with people we love. It's just that it's really hard for us and sometimes we need breaks, kind of like how people who play soccer enjoy playing, but they can't do it nonstop without sleeping for six months without feeling tired. They would collapse. It's not your fault at all.

What you COULD do (and should do) is get him his own room! He needs space to be completely alone, and he can't have it if he's sharing it with you. He's playing soccer all day and all night, and he can't stop because even when he's supposed to be winding down he can't be alone. If you can't get him his own room, maybe you should give him at least two to five hours a day where he can be completely alone in the room without anyone else in there. Try presenting this plan to him and asking him how much time he needs to be alone. Concrete numbers are a lot easier to deal with for most Autistic people. If he gets anxious and says he can't give you a number, back off and don't push it, but still make sure he gets some time.

Also, back off a little bit. Don't try to touch him without warning or asking first. Maybe you can tell him verbally that you love him instead of showing it with your body, and maybe you can get him to do that, too. You both need to work on the relationship in order to keep it going. Sometimes, though, keeping it going will mean giving him space. Don't expect your relationship with him to be like any relationship you may have had with a Neurotypical.

Sometimes Aspies get obsessed with their partner early on in the begging of a relationship & they really push themselves to try to be close & affectionate & they may try to overcome their Aspie issues. Not being their natural Aspie sleves can get to them after a while & they shutdown or just go back to their typical Aspie selves.