Philosophical Differences? (Warning, Long A** Sermon)

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So, I've been wondering, is there anyone here who is or was in a relationship where your significant other had beliefs that starkly contrasted with your own?

Well... basically my GF and I have been dating since the end of last year, and we are very much in love. We share a lot of similarities - being alpha geeks and batsh*t insane otaku is one of them - and she's been very accepting of me and some of the difficulties that come with being a college-age Aspie. I'll be honest, she does meet a lot of the criteria for Asperger's in herself, only she believes that she wasn't necessarily born that way, rather it was more her conditioning having been raised on a ranch somewhere in the vicinity of Casper, WY, and pretty much being alone with her mother except for school. So she knows how it feels to be out of the crowd socially, so to speak.

However, there's about 1 or 2 major things that have gotten us into heated debates recently. Honestly, they have nothing to do with our relationship, more so they're just clashing philosophies, and it hasn't actually gone beyond anything more than debate; however, I'm worried that unless we can learn to either reconcile these differences or agree to disagree it could cause problems later down the road.

Take tonight's debate for example: guns. More specifically, the issue of allowing citizens unaffiliated with law enforcement or the military to carry handguns in public for their own self defense. I am very much for this; my entire family, including and especially my extended family in Colorado, are gun owners and supporters of the right to carry openly or concealed. My uncle in Longmont actually runs school that teaches basic to advanced techniques and tactics for handgun and rifle combat scenarios in a defensive context. He's had police officers and even military personnel attend his classes, and most of them speak highly of his knowledge and teaching methods. He's taken a vested interest in taking me on as a student ever since my first time on the shooting range; I was basically making heart-box and eye-box kill shots on a regular basis after about 15 minutes of instruction. Most of his students take at least a week before attaining that kind of skill. He was very impressed, and since then he's been giving me lessons straight out of his curriculum every time he comes up to visit and we go to the range.

I can very much see the value of carrying a handgun for self-defense. Moreover, I just turned 21 so I am now legally able to purchase a handgun. Finally, Wyoming has the least amount of restrictions involving open and concealed carry than any other state I've been to. They make no distinction between open and concealed carry, and their rule is pretty much if you bought it legally and own it legally, you may carry it anywhere unless otherwise restricted. Taking all this into account, I believe that by taking my uncle's teachings to heart I can become a safe and responsible gun owner and have the ability to use it if sh*t hits the fan.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, is strongly against anyone other than law enforcement carrying weapons in public, and against handguns in general. She's not totally against gun ownership; she believes that hunting and recreational shooting are valid reasons to own rifles and handguns; however, she disagrees with the concept of carrying for self-defense because it involves using guns against other humans.

I was walking her back to the dorms tonight and we got into a massive debate about this. She believes that if guns didn't exist we wouldn't have issues like school shootings or armed robberies. She believes that allowing people to carry in self-defense because most criminals are armed is an invitation to escalation of arms - give the citizens handguns and the criminals will start carrying semi-autos, etc. She believes that most situations involving the use of firearms in self-defense would be considered excessive force, and that it's just as easy to defend oneself with a knife or small sword. (Keep in mind she did go on an exchange trip to Japan once). She also believes that incidents where it would be acceptable to use guns defensively are so few and far between that carrying guns for that purpose isn't worth the risk. Finally, she believes that allowing me specifically to carry a gun would be a bad idea, mainly because of a few minor isolated incidents where she's seen me flip a b*tch at someone for minor reasons. I'll admit I still have issues with anger management, but not to the extent she makes it out to be, and I don't believe it would be as much of a factor if I were carrying (see below).

I believe that it's irrelevant to imagine a world without guns, because they exist now and they will continue to exist into the future unless some weird sci-fi apocalypse happens and the human race gets sent back to medieval times technology-wise... and even then we might re-invent firearms. I believe that the only decent means of self defense against an attacker with a gun IS another gun. If you have a gun, you have an equal advantage against an attacker armed with a gun, and if they're armed with a knife or melee weapon they're going to think twice before attacking you because you have the arms advantage. The inverse is also true - you could be a modern-day samurai, the greatest swordsman of your time, yet you'd still have little chance against an attacker with a gun. I believe that most people today take security for granted. The police aren't always there to protect you, and even if they are they aren't exactly legally obligated to do so. Besides, even though the chance of a civilian getting into a tactical handgun combat scenario is slim to none at the time, the ones that have the training for these situations are going to be the ones that survive when our government system collapses and the nation goes to sh*t. It CAN happen, and it WILL happen, the only unknown factor is when. Finally, while I do have issues with anger management, I've come a long way in controlling it and though I still have outburst, they are fewer than they were 3 years ago. Even back then I stopped short of getting myself in trouble with the law... I'd be direly tempted to physically attack someone but would usually hold back because I knew that it was considered assault. If I were carrying, the fact that I could potentially kill someone if I lashed out like that, the consequences of which would f**k me over for life, would cause me to double, triple, hell even quadruple-check my actions and emotional responses, so that I make damn sure that the only time I draw that gun is if my own life or the life of someone I care about is in imminent danger. That's another reason why I'm taking my uncle's classes in tactical firearms - like any decent martial arts master, he teaches you not only HOW to fight, but WHEN and WHERE you should fight, and acceptable reasons for WHY you should fight. (For the record he considers firearms training to be a martial art of sorts, and incorporates a lot of Eastern martial arts philosophies into his class)

Which brings me back to the issue. As far as the issue is concerned, I am for it and she is against it. Neither of us is willing to budge on our stances. Normally I'd agree to disagree, which is what I'm doing now, but the problem is if we decide to take this relationship into the long term, as in living together or even getting married, we're going to have to come to some sort of compromise. She loves me but she doesn't want to live with me if she thinks I'd end up losing my sh*t and going to jail for shooting someone (at least she's convinced I'd never hurt her, she's more worried about me popping some random moron who insults me on the street). I love her but I don't want to live with her if she's going to force me to give up my guns, because IF the time ever comes where I will need to use them, it'll be too late and there could be major consequences as a result (including but not limited to her death at the hands of an attacker, which in my mind would be ten times worse than me getting killed).

For now, I'm trying to convince her that I can actually handle a gun responsibly, which she doesn't believe, mainly because she hasn't seen how much my uncles and I end up being safety nazis while on the range. She says that she may concede if she sees it for herself. I've promised that if she's in town the next time my uncle comes up and takes me shooting, I'll invite her along. So a compromise isn't impossible. However, this issue has left me worried about other philosophical differences she and I might have down the road, and I need to know the best way to handle these, especially if a compromise isn't as probable.

I love this girl a lot and I can clearly imagine me spending the rest of my life with her; that's why I'm determined to make this relationship work no matter what. I need to learn how to handle disagreements like this so that it doesn't drive us apart in the future.

Are you really asking us about how to live with disagreements, or are you trying to explain to us why your girlfriend is wrong? It seems like it's the latter. Well, if you won't stop trying to prove your point even when talking to strangers, how are you going to not bring it up when you're with her?

EDIT: Sorry if this came across as sort of snarky. I don't mean to be insulting. I'm just trying to say what you seem to already know: you and your girlfriend have a fundamental difference of opinion, and there is no way around it. The only thing that you can do with a disagreement is argue about it until one of you convinces the other one. Everything else is just papering over the problem, and the problem will still be there.

I think that you should try to find out as much about each other as possible. Find out each other's opinions on every political, religious and philosophical issue you can think of. Better now than later.

There is a postmodern sort of idea floating around that says that it is possible to respect someone else's opinion even if you think that it's wrong. I think this is nonsense. Maybe you can ignore the fact that you think that she is wrong, but every now and then you'll be reminded of it, and you will have another argument about it.

Unless she outright says, "If you carry a gun I'm leaving you," I'd say it's a non-issue. She should know you well enough by now to know your personality and how you handle stress, so once she sees you shoot and handle guns, she should be fine. Yeah, you'll have to put up with some eye-rolling every time you take a gun anywhere, but she'll be used to the idea at least.

I really suffer from this kind of thing, Im very opinionated on nearly everything and i do not handle disagreement well. I tend to continue the argument at every opportunity until Ive convinced the other person of their error and made them recant. I also dont like people when they hold a very different opinion to me, not purposefully, just all liking disappears. Clearly this is bad for relationships (and friendships and family) and no one tolerates this kind of thing long term. Even when someone agrees with most things and shares most values there will always be things they dont agree on.

I have not found a solution to this but i think it is a big problem and will cause you constant difficulty unless you are able to change.

and take heed, I have no relationships with my family or friends or partners. Do you want to end up old and alone?

If she truly believes gun ownership makes one a violent threat to others- your problem isn't clashing philosophies-
it's that she's batsh!t insane.

(I agree strongly with you on the issue altogether, but tried to stay impartial. I failed miserably.)

She doesn't take issue with gun ownership, just the idea of carrying guns for self-defense purposes. Keep in mind however that even though Wyoming is a state with a heavy pro-gun culture, we're also the least populated of all of the 50 states, and because of that our crime rate is rock bottom. She's lived in Wyoming all her life, while I've only been here for the past 3 years, and before then I lived in Memphis, TN, where the chance of you getting robbed, raped, stabbed, or shot while just walking down the street was increased at least a hundredfold. It's one of the reasons why I like Wyoming, but because I've lived in the city I know how dangerous situations like above can be, and just because it usually doesn't happen here doesn't mean it can't. Given my uncle's teachings are suited more for an urban environment, but even here in the sticks it could happen.

She's a good person, she's really compassionate about others, I think that's why she takes issue with guns being used against people. I don't think she's the kind of person who could take someone else's life even in defense of her own. I, on the other hand, will do what I need to do to protect myself and my loved ones (especially her), and if that involves killing someone then so be it, I'll do what I think is necessary then and there and let the law and God decide whether or not I was in the right. Thankfully I think it'd be possible to convince her of this if I took her to the range with me, and I'm sure my uncle would love to have her along. He came up this past week for my 21st birthday, she was there too and it seemed they were getting along.

I was trying to explain both of our stances in an equal and opposite manner, but I may have elaborated a bit more on mine out of bias. Sorry.

Now I will disagree with you about being able to respect someone's opinion even if you disagree with it. I think it is quite possible, but it depends on the person and the issue. The only reason I think this particular issue is problematic is because it may affect our lives down the road if we continue our relationship and/or take it to the next level. But I think with the right mindset it's possible to "agree to disagree".

Take my religious beliefs, for example. I am agnostic. I take the teachings of Jesus to heart more as a life philosophy than I do as religious instruction, and the one virtue I strive to achieve in everything I do is tolerance. I don't care whether someone is male, female, white, black, Latino, Asian, gay, straight, bi, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Aspie, NT, etc. I treat them all equally based on what their personality is like and the experiences I've had with them. I don't agree with the teachings of Judaism or Islam, nor does the idea of being in a same-sex relationship appeal to me, but just because they're not MY beliefs doesn't mean that I should disrespect others who do have those beliefs. She's the same way, only she identifies herself as non-denominational Christian, though all that really means is that she doesn't belong to a church. Which I agree with, churches are ok sometimes but the majority of them tend to foster prejudice and bigotry in their congregations. Not all of them do, but I feel like joining a church would be contradictory to my beliefs on tolerance.

That said, I think it would be easier to agree to disagree when you have that kind of mindset about yourself and the world around you. Given, philosophical differences now may cause relationship troubles down the road, but only if we let it.

no, that wasn't the basis for her concern. he has anger management issues, which she has observed firsthand.

this is the pertinent part. she does not trust you to keep your temper under control.

you created a sort of scenario in your head where you thought you would be more cautious if you were packing heat than if you were unarmed, but i doubt she buys that. i think i would need to see some kind of statistic or study before i would buy it either.

really, you haven't been dating that long. it's been a short enough period that you two are probably still in a honeymoon stage where you are on your best behaviour. so if she has seen you flipping out over small things then she may fear that it is the tip of the iceberg.

have you ever done an anger management course or some kind of therapy for it?

Speaking as someone who has been in the same relationship for almost 23 years and had no falling outs that have lasted overnight, I feel our matching philosphies have been a major factor in keeping us together. If my husband had told me what the OP has said, I don't think the relationship would have lasted more than a few weeks. But, that's just me.

I'll be honest, a lot of our philosophies DO match, but the ones we feel the most strongly about our the ones that don't. Thankfully, like I said if she comes to the range with us and sees me handling firearms first-hand, she might be more inclined to believe that I can.

@Hyperlexian: Yes, ok, she's seen me lose my sh*t once. Maybe twice. Those were days I HAD not taken my medication and I WAS unbalanced. Usually if I remember to take it I'm fine. As far as firearms go I don't think I could trust myself to carry on days that I've missed my medication. What I might end up doing in the future is taking about a week's worth of my medication and sticking it in my gun locker, with a sticky note saying "IF YOU'RE GONNA TAKE THIS, TAKE THESE TOO" or something like that. I am usually in perfect control of myself as long as I've remembered my pills, and knowing me I would probably take that precaution.

what pills?

Sorry, took me a while to get back to this... I take anti-depressants and ADHD medication. So far the combo is working quite well, so long as I remember to take it.

There might be a contradiction there, inasmuch as you can't have two no.1 priorities at the same time.

Perhaps you to can compromise on the practical part of the issue.

Maybe when or if you buy a gun, you could also buy pepper stay and a stun gun at the same time. Maybe if you feel the need to carry something on you for self protection purposes, you could carry the pepper spray or stun gun sometimes (depending on where you're going and the time it is etc). The important thing is that there are more options than just buying a gun.

The other thing you could do is sit her down and explain to her that even if you flip out sometimes, you would only defend yourself at an appropriate level (if that means pulling one of your other options other than the gun first, then so be it). Maybe try to get her understand that you are going to be sensible about this?