Gosh, If Only I Had Known About His AS, Maybe...

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My super beloved BF and I broke up about 1.5 mos ago. At the time, I had no idea about the whole (likely) AS thing. I just couldn't figure out why, after 2 years, he would ignore calls and texts, stiffen when i would touch him, almost NEVER look me in the eye, refuse to do activities together unless they were his idea, and NEVER told me what, if anything, he felt. (Before you ask what I was doing there, let me tell you that I had such an amazing time with him, we laughed like fools together, liked the same music- his obsession- shared the same values, and except for affection issues, just had what felt like a quiet sense of comfort when in each others' company. There was a deep sweetness to the whole thing. That it could be so sweet at times, and yet not seem to acquire the signs of emotional depth that other, even short-lived relationships seemed to have- was SO SO SO confusing!)

Anyway, our demise came when I asked him if he had ever loved anyone. He asked what that is, and when I explained that for me, it means feeling tenderly for a person, wanting them to have their best life experience, wanting to help create happiness, missing them when they're gone, and feeling better when your with them--- he said that he guessed he had never felt that, and did I want him to leave.

Not knowing about the AS thing, I told him that if he didn't love me- and didn't love ANYONE, maybe I had to let him go. This information totally freaked me out, as in that moment, I couldn't fathom not feeling love at all, and it made me scared that perhaps he was a sociopath or something. Yet- I couldn't imagine that was the case, as there were glimpses into this very soft, gentle person in him deep down.

But, I told him I didnt want him to leave. I couldn't- I loved him so much- I couldn't bear the thought of being without him, and hoped that some kind of miracle would bring me clarity on the whole situation.

Anyway, a couple of more conversations followed in which I was fine with the idea that maybe he didnt love me *yet*--- but I just needed to know that he wasn't just feeling like I was a friend whose house he slept over at.

Long story short, he interpreted all of this as me pressuring him to get married, or move in, or something. He got up and left-- - and though he made up with me a few days later--- a few more days after that he called to say that he couldn't do it anymore. I was baffled and shocked since I thought those conversations were just normal couple things; you talk it out and move on.

He then went on to explain that he didn't know why he had been so happy lately- but it was coming from all directions, not just me- and that was why he just "couldn't do it anymore...........not now... Youve done everything right in this relationship, and I've done everything wrong. Just admit you haven't been happy for a long time" (I was STUNNED by this, as it was so inaccurate. I tried to tell him it wasn't so-- but he has always been someone who shuts me down and won't listen to my side of something, so I knew it was no use to argue with him.) I told him, "Ok, I guess this is goodbye" and he said "No- it's not goodbye. I still want you in my life." and again before hanging up "It's not goodbye. I still want you in my life.I just cant do this right now. "

(at this point, in the course of the break up, I googled "bf doesn't feel love and AS came up. As I read, so so so much of what had been going on for the last 2 yrs started to make sense.)

A couple of weeks after that, I went to give him some of his stuff at his workplace. He walked me out to the parking lot, held me in a loooong embrace. I told him I missed him; he said he missed me too. I asked if he wanted to have lunch; he asked when. We tentatively agreed on a date, he rescheduled for the weekend when that day came, and a few days after that, emailed me saying " I don't think it's a good idea for us to see one another right now. To be honest, I haven't felt like seeing anyone lately. I have no rational explanation, just that I have no desire to be social."

I wrote back that I understand, and care for him deeply- and that even though I miss him, he can have all the space he needs.

After that, I left it alone for a few weeks. On Easter, I sent him a very short text wishing him and his family a nice visit together. I expected to hear nothing back, but to my shock, I got a text just two hours later that was joking (inside joke stuff) as he used to be, and wished me a happy easter.

I have since sent him a text, and en email with no message- just a link to a video I thought he might like. He didn't always respond to this kind of thing, so I am not surprised that I haven't heard back.

My questions are

1) Was the Easter text a good sign?

2) I wrote him a letter which I never sent. In it, I explain that as soon as he said he was feeling pressured, I realized that I had pushed him to an uncomfortable place, and felt terribly. I didnt realize how unnatural and uncomfortable talking about our relationship/feelings made him, or I would never have pursued it that way. I now "get" that he doesn't express himself that way, and that it must feel like a bombardment. I tell him that I have since realized that his sense of connection is expressed in different ways; I just didn't realize how much these things meant because I was conditioned to look for reassurance in words and more traditional "romantic" gestures. I also reassure him that I NEVER wanted him to move in (because i didn't), much less get married- and that I realize his home and solitude are essential havens for him- and that I would never want to take those things from him. The only thing I wanted from him was knowing that the connection we had was solid and wasn't going anywhere.

Who knows, maybe even that would be too much for him. I have no idea.

I just miss him so terribly. I can't imagine finding another man with such decency in so many regards, and so little attention whoring, frankly. Even though some of his behavior seemed self-centered, it never came cross as egotistical, if that makes sense.

I'm just wondering if it is likely that his knowing that my understanding of him is different would even matter at this point. We've been apart for a couple of months. I am thinking of dropping off that letter for him at his work. (His mail is screwy, and since he exclaimed at one point that I should "just admit you haven't been happy in this relationship for a long time--- I printed some of my facebook posts, in which I am saying things like "My bf is the sweetest man." "I'm so lucky to have such a good hearted person in my life." etc. so I can't really include those in an email).

I guess I also just want him to know how much I loved being with him, and how much he added to my life, and ability to trust men not to be abusive, disloyal, etc. I am really so thankful to him in so many ways.

It broke my heart to hear him say things like " I did everything wrong in this relationship" etc. I could tell that this has happened to him before in relationships. I hated to hear the resignation in his voice. So that's why I want him to have proof that I was madly adoring of him, and so happy to have him.

Plus, I guess as I read this stuff here on WP, and other stuff online, my heart breaks a little for him. he's ok being alone... and yet, there is something not quite happy about it. I wish I had understood him when we were together. I could have been so much softer and more helpful. Who knows if it would have worked... but at least I would feel like we took a fair shot.

I'm not even sure he knows he has AS. i think he suspects that "something" is different. When we were first dating, he kept encouraging me to watch Max and Mary (the movie). I didn't understand why at the time, and maybe that is just coincidence... If he only knew, I think it would be such a relief for him. Nonetheless, I am reluctant to say anything to him in those terms. I would like him to know that I "get" him a bit better now though, and that 1) it makes all the old hurts soften and make sense and 2) that I might like to try again with this new comprehension.

But is it even worthwhile? Does something like that make it feel safe enough, and worthwhile enough to an Aspie- to try again?

Thanks all for your patience and feedback.

The tenderness and care I feel for this man is surprising even to me. i thought I would easily be over him- but that is not the case...

o I wish I knew how to help you , bookworm773. You sound like a really caring person. I don't know whether you should give your bf your letter or not. Maybe the best thing would be to let him know you'd welcome him back and then just give him space and lots of time. Not very fair to you, but I know personally I take a lot longer to process things and decompress than most people. I hope things work out for you.

Thanks. Yeah-- I don't know the best path.

I have detached in a way-- meaning that I accept him fully, and thus, accept that me asking him to be with me might require him to be less of who he is in his heart/core. I love who he is so much, despite the pain some of his AS stuff has caused- that I wouldn't want to change his essence--- ever. I guess that's what I think true love is all about.

Anyway-- I am flummoxed about whether the letter would reassure him that 1) I understand the reason he needed to break at that time and 2) that going forward we would have a new understanding to buffer the old moments of misunderstanding.

Or

Would the letter be misconstrued as pressure

Or

Is it too late regardless.

I do sense that we got closer than he has been to anyone before. After other breakups, according to the accounts he gave me over the last couple of years- he just bounced right back, and would even have an easy time just going back to hang out within a week or two.

Given that we never expressed any hurtful mean stuff, never shouted at each other, etc--- my NT side is really confused by why he would be so avoidant of ME but not these girls.

Do I interpret the Easter text as him warming back up to me? Or something else?

Anyway--- That stuff eats me. And then today I saw an elderly man, who was his spitting image, struggling to cross the street. I had this mental flash of my (ex)bf getting much older (he's almost 40), and being without his family, alone. And I worry about him.

LIke even if we can't be together, I want to always just be able to look out for him, and be there when he needs someone.

That's dumb, and maybe comes off as patronizing, I suppose. But I just feel so much care for him. I cannot express adequately the gentle place he occupies in my heart.

I really wish I could help you here. I think it's definitely worth it to try and talk to him about it, but I'm clueless as to the best way to do it. I'm not your former BF, and I have no experience in relationships, so I just can't tell you how he'll react. All I can tell you is to give him space and avoid pressuring him, and make sure that he knows you love and accept him. But I know you already knew that.

If it helps, these sorts of things can happen even between two neurotypical people.

For what it's worth, I think the letter in its current form may not be something you want to give to him, mainly because it's dated. But another letter, incorporating the changes in your situations, explaining how you still feel, isn't automatically a bad idea either.

Before you give him a letter like this, it sounds worthwhile to warn him that there's something you want him to know, that you articulated it in a letter, and that it's kind-of heavy and shouldn't be read casually. If he says he feels he's not really ready for a letter like that, wait. If he has questions about it, answer them.

(Disclaimer: These are just possibilities. I do remember reading about your situation a while ago, but it's not like I know anything else about yourself or about him.)

I don't really have any answers, but if it helps, I didn't really miss anyone until after I left school. I was homesick just once in eight years of boarding school. I still don't miss people much these days either. However, I most certainly can care about others and I most certainly can love others. I had my first crush when I was 10, and ensuring other people's happiness is one of the driving forces in my life, but sometimes I wonder if they way I feel love is different from the way others feel it. Maybe that's what it's like for him - you listed a whole load of things which are how you and most people experience love, but because that's not how he experiences it, he logically concluded that he doesn't love you, or at least not in a way that you would accept. Personally I find it strange that you asked the question in the first place when you were so happy with him anyway. Would you mind explaining? I'm not criticising you, just curious.

In two years, he had never talked about his other gf's in a way that conveyed what he felt for them- which is unusual among NT's.

I was feeling as though I lived in something of an emotional vacuum with him, and before concluding that he did or didn't love me in the way I needed, I wanted to see what his emotional range, or capacity for intimacy, had been with other women- in hopes of getting perspective. I had told him I loved him, and gotten a weird response, but before going off the hook, I was trying to establish what his thresholds for emotional connection might be. Does that make sense?

I have since been doing lots of meditating on love. What I have arrived at is the same as you; people all experience or define love differently.

For many NT's it is a sort of connection, comraderie, and shared need for one another that makes us feel tender toward the other person. We show vulnerability in hopes that the partner will respond with comfort and validation. The expectation is that they will do the same, and we will respond in kind (if we are thoughtful). This builds increasing trust and security with one another.

The storybook version of love- the one we see on tv and which dooms most relationships- is that someone will satisfy all our emotional needs, sweep us off our feet, and prevent us from ever having to face our own emotions, unpleasantness, or "real life" ever again. Think knight in shining armor fiddle faddle...

I now see that another version of love is just being loyal, spending time together, and trusting the person to make you feel safe enough to be yourself for a few hours. I think he had this kind of love for me. It's very similar to the way one feels about returning to a parent's house. Because I am conditioned as an NT to expect some combination of the first two, I missed this.

In some ways, NT love is very thrilling and satisfies that. In some ways, what I see as his version of love seems very pure and innocent, and thus, very beautiful. I'm not sure he would call it love, but I am grateful to have had that, at least. I think in my perfect dream version of things, there would be a combo of NT love and his style. Mostly just a little expression--- like once every 3-4 mos would have sufficed.

What do you think?

Thanks for explaining. For me love is like a certain need to be together. I WANT to spend time with them whenever I can; they make me happy in a way that friends don't. Also, as you said, "being loyal, spending time together, and trusting the person to make you feel safe enough to be yourself for a few hours." They are ready to comfort me when things go wrong, and vice-versa. In case this sounds totally selfish of me, it really isn't. It's just that I'm very much the romantic type who wants to be the hero, at least to some extent, but I do value the girl as a person and I want to share myself with them as well. Certain things would be a bit awkward to start with (it's her birthday, what do I get her? I got her chocolates for our last date and flowers the time before, what will she want now? She asked me a question but I don't think she wants my literal answer. What is she getting at? I love her, but what is the right way to show her?) because, having never been on a date or had a relationship, I'm just not practised in those sorts of things. I'm also not sure how much of this is actual love, because it's based on how I feel when I've had a crush, and a crush isn't real love necessarily.

I forgot to add in my last post a couple of links you might be interested in. They are written by an aspie man married to an NT woman, and he has had more than his fair share of confusions, mixups, doing the wrong thing when he meant well, and outright ignorance of what he is supposed to do. My two favourite moments are first when he said that when they went out on dates it never occurred to him to compliment her on her hair or her clothes or whatever, because to him she is always beautiful. The second is when she made it very clear that he had to buy her flowers whenever they went on a date. This was confusing because she had never shown an interest in flowers, even when Gavin's mother had offered to show her round their flower garden. He, obviously, had never had to buy them before so he didn't understand which flowers other than roses were appropriate and to start with bought ones which to him were intersting or had cool patterns on the petals.

[url]http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.co.nz/2010/11/aspie-myths-he-wont-miss-me.html[/quote]

lots of relationship stuff from him here:

http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.co.nz/search/label/Relationships

He does know what he's talking about and is a very good writer. Of course every aspie is different, but I hope they help in some way.

I am a NT man in a civil partnership (UK) with an aspie man. We have been together for over 16 years. I just asked him – explain to me what love is. He told me love is a basic emotion but he couldn’t explain it.
You asked if there is hope. I think there is a lot of hope. The problem in your relationship will be due to communication. He doesn’t have any clue what is going through your head. The NT world to him is confusing and makes him anxious. He will enjoy being with you but will also find it very stressful. Equally he will give you no clues as to what he is thinking. The clues you pick up from him, will be very likely no clues at all.
My reading of the situation is that your guy doesn’t have or understand or have emotional language to talk about love. Very telling that you asked him if he had loved anyone and he asked you back “what this is”. The fact that you were “totally freaked out” by his inability to discuss love will in my mind be the reason he shutdown/ pushed you away. Once again it became clear to him that he had no clue what you wanted and like other girls he had dated in the past and he very likely felt he had failed again.
This probably hit him very badly. A girl he thought might be a little different, actually understood him a little better, in fact she had worked out that he had no clue what love was and had found him out that he couldn’t hack it in a relationship.
As we know the actual reality of the situation with you is very different. I can see from what you have written that you are beginning to see that the way he thinks about a situation could be very different from how you perceive it. You have read up about aspergers and actually understand him better. If only he knew!
Can I recommend a book to you “Asperger Syndrome and long-term relationships” by Ashley Stanford. Read it from cover to cover. You will find hope in that book. Also give you an idea of what you are letting yourself in for There is also a kindle edition.
Originally after 4 months of a relationship with my partner we split up. Mainly due to me thinking that my partner was giving me signs that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. Over a year later we got back together and been in a relationship ever since. It was only recently I worked out he had aspergers – which has been a huge help for both of us. So don’t give up on him. Give him time, let him know you want to be with him still. Make sure any communication you have with him explains what it is you want in simple unemotional language. Don’t expect him to follow clues, take the lead. Show him he hasn’t failed. I am not sure giving him the quotes from facebook will help. It just seems too much and over complicates things to me. It will very likely be alien to him that people discuss their relationships with their friends on facebook.
Really interested it how it goes, happy to answer any questions you have, if you feel I can help. Good luck. This guy is very lucky to have you, little does he know how close he is to having a good relationship with you.

I wouldn't automatically assume AS (though it's certainly possible). There are lots of other things that can be similar. Some of what you're saying sounds more like Schizoid Personality Disorder, which isn't quite what it sounds like - basically just a person who has very little or no social drive (not just difficulty socializing, but actually, no desire at all), always prefers solitary activities, and has a very flat range of emotions.

It's pretty hard to say how you should you proceed (or even if you should), since it all depends on where he's at, and since that's just a big question mark, anything you do is a shot in the dark. It's hard to even say what you should *not* do. Someone said you shouldn't mention getting back together, but if it were me, that would probably be your only hope, to be direct. People are all different and there's nothing universal. My opinion would be to do what you think is the *right* thing to do, and not worry about what tactic is more likely to be succesful, since you're shooting in the dark and there's no way to know what will be more succesful.

@Edgewaters- The reason I suspect AS is the lack of social finesse, inability to maintain eye contact, some motor "tics," complete lack of getting my social cues or understanding very basic social reciprocity, fixation on hobbies with absolute rigidity, inability to process/accept different views, or that one person may see an issue in many shades of gray-some of them contradictory, rarely doe his facial expression change, a very narrow range of vocal inflection, sensitivity to light and small sounds, aversion to much touch, and almost no outward expression of whatever emotional experience he may be having.

His inner reality was something I could only guess at- and although I tried to assume the positive- we NT's need that verbal or written confirmation as assurance that our affections- and presumption of our partner's affection- are not based on delusions.

@CrinklyCrustacean- Nt's talk about their past relationships with each other to get a feel for what a person's "love code" might be, and what their past relationship challenges may have been. It helps us to establish a sort of "roadmap" about how the person acts within a relationship, how their past romantic experiences may have shaped them, what they like or dislike in their partners, and how they have handled past conflicts. It is always best to have these discussions in a way that focuses on the dynamics they may have had with each other, rather than getting into personal details that might violate their ex's expectation of personal privacy-- so subjects like nitty gritty sexual details, or family secrets are usually kept off the table/confidential. Since we are, in large part, products of our experience- and relationships are such influential experiences- it makes sense to get to know someone in this way. It is not dissimilar from learning about people by finding out what their childhood was like. Does that make sense?

You have been most helpful and insightful. Thank you so much for sharing your perspectives. Also, I want to tell you that asking thoughtful questions, as you have, also helps me to learn and understand one way of AS thought processing. It helps me to imagine a different perspective- and I really thank you for that too!

@Superbadger- Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is amazing how things just ring so familiar.
This part: "The fact that you were “totally freaked out” by his inability to discuss love will in my mind be the reason he shutdown/ pushed you away. Once again it became clear to him that he had no clue what you wanted and like other girls he had dated in the past and he very likely felt he had failed again. " really resonated with me.

It makes me want to expalin to him somehow that I see the impact of my approach with more clarity, and really understand how overwhelming and confusing it must have been for him. In light of AS- i realize how hard he was trying all along. It really re- calibrates my perception of him, how much he was invested in our relationship, etc. I have switched to a perspective of immense gratitude for him as a result. Thank you also for your book recommendation. I will be visiting Amazon tonight!

All- I am taking your advice regarding the letter.

I wonder what you all think of this?

I think maybe I need to be sort of zen about this, and look at it as trying to give him enough peace that he can feel safe coming back to me someday ...or if he just doesn't want to--- enough peace that he can go forward in life knowing that someone has tried to understand him, and sees his inherent value and goodness, as well as the unique assets he brings to the world. I want him to know that he is appreciated, and wonderful, and authentic-- and that even though many may take more time to understand him--- he should never bow to anything that detracts from the peace of his soul. He is not a failure-- he is just someone whose uniqueness will require a partner who is willing to find her way along with him.

It is so funny- with every passing day, I lose hope that he will ever return. And yet, this period of reflection makes me love him more than ever--- even if I can't be with him again. I so wish we could have a second chance at this, one where at least one of us can go in with enough information to love with mindfulness of the other's (his) situation.

Thanks again in advance for any input.

I thought you might be interested in how I got back together with my aspie man. I saw him out at a club many months later. He was with a new boyfriend. I was drunk so I went up to him and told him how much I liked him and how much I missed him. He looked completely shocked. So about another 6 months later I got a call out of the blue... it was him... he had remembered my telephone number and decided to call me. So we got back together and have been ever since.

I have asked him since why we broke up originally... he told me because he thought I wanted to break up with him. Well it was actually me who brought up the subject of stopping seeing each other... however it was simply because of the way he was acting I thought he wasn't interested any more. However I was into him in a big way... I was really disappointed when we broke up!

So nothing lost in telling him how you feel. I would tell him that you enjoyed the time you spent together in the past. That you miss him and would like to see him again. Personally I would just go down the text route on this... rather than a long letter.

BTW I have never seen Max and Mary but recently watched the trailer. So the Max character in the film has aspergers and it makes it quite clear how this affects the way he acts. I do think it is significant that your bf mentioned this film a few times. You could mention that you have recently seen the film and it has given you a new understanding about relationships.

Those with Aspergers are individuals with unique personalities, as are those you refer to as NT. I couldn't think of a sugar-coated way to say this, and for that I do apologise, but your posts seem to consist mostly of gross over-generalisations about people in general based upon your own individual beliefs. To be an Aspie and be with somebody that knew everything about everything but nothing of them, so dissected them with questions about their thoughts on love and their previous relationships only to shoot them down over their answers making them feel less of a person and incredibly anxious about answering any of your future questions...poor guy ran...I hope you leave him be.