Broke up with someone: Having a Tough Time Today

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I was "seeing" this guy for about 3 months. I met him when I was djing a dance. He was the guitar player. I took an immediate liking to him. We chatted online for a few months here and there, but he never asked me out, so I went to see one of his shows. I stalled at the end of the show to give him a chance to say hello to me and show me if he had any interest. He didn't approach me, and I stalled some more because I knew he had to put away equipment. Finally, I went up to him and said goodbye. Still no invitation to go chat, have a cup of tea, anything. So I went home feeling, oh well, I guess he's not interested. Disappointed, but OK. NP.

Then he starts chatting with me more on FB, and turns out we have a mutual interest in similar activities, me Zen, he likes hypnosis, which is surprisingly similar to zen (suspension of critical thinking). Eventually, he does invite me over his place to practice hypnosis, which can be intimate. We watch an instruction video on it and then we took turns hypnotising each other. One of the practices is both of us are standing and you tap them gently behind the head and they rest their head on your shoulder while you talk them into trance. It could be intimate. But, other than that, there was no sign of romance or attraction from him. It was confusing for me, because eventually we were on facebook talking to each other in private messages every day, six or seven times a day, but when I would see him in person very distant. This was confusing and painful for me.

Then one day his ex-wife puts out some songs about him--childish blaming and whining--but he gets on facebook and starts complaining to his friends that he loved her with all his heart (the marriage lasted 4 years and ended 4 years ago) and that she was the love of his life. I figured I provided no consolation for him, so he had no feelings for me and he was just filling in his time with me. I went to see him one more time, and he hugged me afterwards, but it was so long in coming and his exhibition of his feelings for is ex was such a turn off that I couldn't enjoy it. It felt like it was just one more thing to string me along. He said he didn't want a relationship for now. But if he did, I'd be his first choice. It was too painful. I drove home crying from several visits to him. So I broke up with him.

Today I saw a show on PBS about emotions where they talked about those experiments with the monkeys where they have them live alone and there are two serogate "mothers" there, one with a warm carpet around it and no food and another made of wire but it had food. The monkeys invariably ran for the carpet-covered mother. Here I am once again alone. It hurts so much. I'm 59 and no love for so long. I don't think I take it much longer.

Why would he string me along like that? It was torture. How can I get love in my life?

I started seeing a therapist. I saw him once so far. My "friend" was out of town for the first visit, but I invited him to come for the next session ten days. In the meantime, the therapist is reading the transcript. My "friend" hasn't said whether he'll come or not. Behaving like the same tease he has all along. I left a lot of detail out, but I hope you get the picture. I want someone who will step up to the plate with confidence and be willing to love me. I don't want BS anymore. Does that make sense? Only, here I am alone again.

why would you ask someone you broke up with to go to your therapy with you?

Sorry, Cathylynn, I was trying to shorten a long story. I feel he gave me mixed messages, so my feelings were mixed. I broke up with him, got back together, then he broke up with me, but I'm still thinking there's something there and we are not understanding each other. So I asked him to go to therapy. Make a little better sense? Back and forth, on and off again. Pleasure and pain....but I think he has Asperger's too and expresses it differently than me.

It sounds like you and he are at very different stages in life. Even if he's been divorced for four years, it doesn't sound like he's at a good emotional point.

Keep in mind that he was with someone for four years, and you guys have dated on and off for three months. It may feel like a much deeper connection to you than it did for him. For that reason, I don't think him attending therapy with you is a good idea. To me, counseling together, things of that nature, don't really work until you have committed deeply to one another, and it's hard to expect anyone to really do that in three months of on-again off-again-ness.

I don't mean to be harsh, and I want you to know that your emotions are valid. It can be very hard to leave someone, whether it's been three weeks or thirty years. But emotions and actions need to be separate, and at this point, it doesn't sound like the action of co-therapy is appropriate.

I know you're in a tough spot. It gets better.

Thanks, Heathergracie, but the point of the therapy is to help us go on our way with less pain, to understand what happened better and to each grow from what we learned. It was actually 6 months. And yes, that he's still stuck on his ex-wife after 4 years of being divorced, is the main reason I don't want to see him any more. It's not fair for him to expect someone to accept that.

I guess I don't follow why you would want to pursue therapy with someone you don't want to see anymore. And I agree, he shouldn't expect you to accept him not being over his ex. I don't think therapy is a bad idea individually... I just don't see the purpose of involving him in it.

Still, all the best.

We are both in a very small blues community and will see each other often. He is a more experienced musician, and I am a newer musician and a dancer. He is a big influence on my musical style. I expect to see him in our community a lot and his friends, who I also hold dear. I want us to understand and respect each other. I think it's sad that this is just a whole big misunderstanding.