In shock, feel like I am dying inside

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Hi everyone,

Some of you might remember my previous topic about the man with Asperger's I am dating, and his freakout about getting married. I'm the NT who got the computer memory chip for Christmas in the fancy jewelry box.

Thank you all again for your kind replies. And, I wanted to let you all know, it was just as you said. He DID come around on his own, and told me he did not mean the things he said, and we definitely would be getting married a few years down the road.

But now I have a new problem ... a big problem. I decided to express to him how I have been feeling about not seeing him during the week. I told him, in a very loving, non-confrontational manner, that I feel lonely sometimes, and would love to feel his arms around me a couple of times during the week, and not just on the weekends. I expressed that sometimes it confuses me that he does not miss me or want to see me, and I just wanted to understand. It had been a bad day for both of us, and we talked on the phone, and admittedly, some wires got crossed, but I do feel I was kind, loving, and non-confrontational in our discussion. I told him I loved him several times, and even said I was sorry I had these needs, but that I wanted to be honest in our relationship. I reassured him I wanted to stay together and he was my soul mate.

Well ... all hell has busted loose. He freaked out on the phone. He stormed over. He was very, very kind to my daughter, but after she went to bed, he freaked out on me badly. I tried so hard to reach him with soft and lovnig words, and gentl body language, but he would not even sit next to me on the sofa. He started ranting and raving about all kinds of things, then he started yelling about "how I am always changing plans and routines" and he did not even make sense. Then he screamed something and threw some water on the floor, and THEN he did a dance, and I kid you not, he made up a song about how I was "mean to him and he does not know why". I wanted to hug him but he stormed out.

He has been acting like he loathes me ever since. he has demanded multiple apologies which he claims "are not sincere" and he has been sending me accusing emails (I sent him a very peaceful, loving emails in response).

I made another mistake though, I humbly brought up Asperger's earlier in the day and how I felt that might be contributing to our getting our wires crossed, and how I wanted to understand better. He started raving about how "he does not have Asperger's" and "he was only joking about it before". ?? Then he threw all our problems on my lap and ignored me for the rest of the day and night.

I did call him at our usual time beause he gets very upset if I don't, and of course I wanted to talk to him. He proceeded to scream and yell at me on the phone for an hour; brining up everything under the sun, using sensitive things I have told him against me, using profanity, and basically being livid about me "having feelings that make no sense" and me "not making sense" and being "a pretty girl who gets away with everything". He was shouting and ranting at me like I was his worst, most hated enemy.

He kept saying I should "get a hold of my FEELINGS" and then he said, "People don't have to be physically together to offer companianship to one another."

During all the yelling I just stayed calm, and did not say anything mean in return, just told him I loved him. Then at the end it started to really get to me and I started to cry and said I loved him, but I had to go. He switched suddenly and acted nice, but I had to hang up.

I have not heard from him at all today. My heart feels like someone has stomped on it. I'm like the walking wounded.

What should I do? How can I understand this behavior?

Okay, I don't think you can salvage this, especially since you have a (minor) child. I think you need to be away from this man. He cannot offer you what you need, and these very abusive lashings-out kind of prove that.

I'm sorry. I know how hard it is to find compatible people in the world, but this man simply cannot offer you what you need. Everything will always have to be on his terms, regardless of whether he has Aspergers Syndrome. Some people are just like that. They tend to be very alone people.

I wish you well.

How can you understand this behavior?

Sounds like because he does love you, he's already extended himself as far as he can and it's not enough. Not your fault you have needs - you're human and it's not wrong to express your needs. Not his fault he can't meet your needs - he has his own issues. Love isn't enough, especially when you have a kid.

Forget about whether he's Aspie or not. What do your instincts say about this? I wish I'd listened to my instincts about my ex. He wasn't aspie but had other issues and I explained them all away - he's stressed, he really does love me, he's trying .... it's not enough.

Sounds like you're starting to feel ashamed you have emotional needs. How are you ever going to be able to express any emotional needs to him after that outburst? How can you ever have any kind of life with someone where you're unable to express your needs? You both sound like your both really trying, but it's not working if you're both making each other this unhappy and frustrated. Are the good times really worth this? It's also a terrible model for relationships for your kid to grow up with. Sorry, I know you don't want to hear this.

That sounds very frustrating! I think even amongst NTs there is a communication gulf between men and women. There are a lot of men out there that don't know how to recognize when emotional support is wanted and needed. I struggle with this in my AS/AS relationship. My guy also has some Avoidant issues going on, so we have had some unpleasant moments where I am asking for emotional support and he is not giving it because he doesn't know how. But he is willing to learn. And if he were to start throwing things and jumping around, the relationship would have to go. I don't take kindly to emotional uproars, having grown up with them in my family of origin. It sounds like the guy you love has no idea how to give you what you want. And like others have said here, the fact that there is a child involved means that you must think long and hard about committing to this behavior for the rest of your lives.

Sorry you are going through this. I have a few questions.

1. How old is this guy?

2. Do you know how long ago He got diagnosed with AS? Any idea how he took it?

3. Do you know if this is His first big relationship?

Sounds to me like He does get overwhelmed with being close to people for too long. I know a few people with AS. some people seem to have it more severaly then others. Does not make them bad, just different.

He may not know the effect he has on others when he does these things. When I had my first big relationship, issues came up that I know now was caused by my AS. At the time I had no idea that I had AS and the effect I was having on other people when I got into "shut down mode". Took me a little while to see when this happens and to change my behavior for the better. Maybe He needs to do the same.

Just my two cents.