Mis-reading Intentions

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Hi, I've placed this in love an dating, but I do not know if it is a little to risque.

Anyway, I have been thinking about this a long time.

I've been unwillingly and forcefully made to have sex against my wishes several times in my life. I do not know if "rape" is the correct definition. Anyway, I was (whatever it is) for the first time at about 14 years old by a man who forced me into his car at a party and drove me out to his apartment, and then several more times over the years when I was stupid enough to invite a male friend into my house. Since then, I have avoided having any kind of proximity to people who can throw me down on the ground and do sexual things to me. I see any kind of physical advances as threatening. I also do not let men into my house without several other people there as well. I get very anxious when I am alone with men, especially if it is in a place where I cannot get help quickly. I think it might be PTSD, or something similar.

But, it could be that being thrown on the floor and having your clothes torn off is actually the way that people have sex. Maybe I am reading this wrong? I have seen this being done in movies and everyone seems to like it, so maybe I am being oversensitive and afraid for no reason.

I am pretty sure that I am totally clueless about male intentions. Absolutely clueless. Recently a friend told me to give him a massage, and I did. He'd been working hard, and I figured his muscles ached. I did not realize it was a sexual move. I was kind of stunned that he began doing sexual things. I, of course, ran out the door and went home. Afterwards I made all kinds of excuses about being "not ready," and "too poor for birth control" and other things, but the real truth is that I do not want to have sex.

After meditating over this for several weeks, I have come to the conclusion that I have absolutely no understanding of "human nature" when it comes to male/female relationships, and that I really want to eliminate the whole problem from my life. I have to get it through my skull that men do not want to be friends with women. They are interested in sex, not friendship. I have come to understand this only recently, and feel stupid for not understanding it many years ago.

I do not ever want to have sex. I think that I am the portrait of the totally asexual aspie. I also never had a real connection to being "female." I was raised by a father in a household of boys, so I do not have any female role-models who ever taught me what I should feel, and do as a woman. I think that since I was raised by a male, in a house of males, I have had the wrong lessons about sexuality.

Unfortunately, the ramifications are that I will only have female friends.

The only problem is that I actually do want to have some kind of friendship. I think if I could find a man who is not interested in sex, my life would be perfect.

I hope I made sense, and that you do not laugh at me too much.

So, I wonder if other people here have had similar things happen? How did you deal with it?

You were most certainly raped. Sex that is not consensual and enjoyable or actively wanted by both parties is wrong.

Not all men are like this and most would be horrified that you were treated this way.

You should get some counseling from someone who understands AS as well as trauma survivorship. They can help you make sense of these events and help you to develop strategies that will keep you safe in the future while being able to pursue friendships, and assert your boundaries with anyone you wish.

Thanks, I thought it was. The earliest (age 14) I did not tell my parents because I knew I would have been seriously injured by my father. (He had a thing for using the belt, and I avoided getting beaten.

Counseling does not have any effect because it does not change the past.

I think the real issue is that each time I get to the point where I am "friends" with a man, they ruin it by trying to become sexual, and that is where I back off. I am actually the problem here. I totally draw the curtains and back into my shell (mixed metaphor) if they make moves like they want to go to bed, kiss, or anything like that.

The point is, I do not want to, and thus am doomed to being alone. But the problem is, I like being alone most of the time. I need a house mate or someone to mow the lawn. I told this guy that, and he said he could not become a house mate with a woman without sex. I am going to move on. He has a male house mate and he is not giving him ultimatums about sex, so I don't see why I should be forced to have sex to enjoy a lower rent.

I enjoy is company, but the thought that I have to watch him at all times is getting to be exhausting.

You should learn and exercise some very effective self defense techniques. It's not necessary to do karate or something similar for years, just a few close combat skills would be enough.

If you say clearly NO when a man is approaching you sexually, but he doesn't stop, it's rape or at least sexual harassment.

Being asexual does not always mean that you cannot have a relationship or housemate. There are many men who are also asexual, who long for the company of a female partner. Sexuality is only one part of a relationship, and for MANY it's not important or wanted. Asexuality is seen as a sort of sexual orientation, if you will, and thousands of people identify as such.

I'm only telling you this so that you can know that your way of living is valid. You are not to blame for the social deficiencies of men who cannot respect boundaries; they have personality/mental disorders...Not you.

I agree with this, and have two questions for OP:

1. You say you can only form female friendships, yet you mention desiring a "friendship" with a male that doesn't include sexuality-
(your quotes). Have you considered that you are actually romantically-attracted to men? For many people, the notion of romantic attraction sans sexual attraction is difficult to grasp, but as bookworm astutely points out, for asexuals (and possibly others) that is precisely how they experience the world.

2. In this vein, have you considered that you might actually be experiencing sexual aversion disorder? This is quite common in abuse and sexual trauma survivors, and while asexuals can experience this as well, often as a result of forcing themselves or others forcing them into sex, they are not the same. For instance, can you imagine ever being desirous of engaging in sexual relations (with men or women) that were totally egalitarian, and non-coercive? Non-penetrative? Too many people, I think, have a very narrow idea of what constitutes "sex", as defined as it is by hierarchical and sexist ideals in our society.

Food for thought. I know what it's like to have people question your experience of the world. I, myself identify as asexual, and unfortunately, can empathize all too well with the...disillusionment, and I also experienced despair, when I finally realized how sexually-driven male-female interactions seem to be, and felt stupid for taking so long to realize it.

Yes, which is why I am still unmarried and have never had a boyfriend. The despair is gone now, I might add. It took me quite a while to understand it was okay to live and not produce children, and not have a spouse, and love only horses and dogs (cats and other squee creatures). I thought I was a freak, until I just understood that I was not wired like the rest of humanity. I am very happy to find out about aspergers, so now I do not think it is just irrationality-- Now it makes sense that I test out at Grad school level in some subjects, and 2nd grade at others. Love is just a subject I flunked. Apparently not everyone is great at it either.

Not sure if this sounds okay, but become friends with some homosexual males. You won't have to worry about them advancing on you, right?

Yes, it is. Your first sentence is precisely the definition.



It doesn't have to be forceful and nobody has to have their clothes ripped away. Some people like that sort of thing, some don't. What you see in movies is a social construct that doesn't apply to everyone.

Basically sex is supposed to be lots of fun. Or at least mildly enjoyable. There is NO other valid reason to have it. If you're in a relationship with someone and they want to have sex and you actively dislike having sex of any sort with them, then you're not compatible, and you can't possibly have a healthy relationship.



Not sure if what he did was ok or not because you didn't say what it was, but you're fully within your rights to refuse or leave. If you don't want to have sex, don't. It's that simple.

Male intentions, well, I'm a guy but I couldn't tell you really. I don't understand any of it myself. I have a high fear of rejection so I don't make a move unless I know it's totally safe. I prefer not to have to initiate at all. Since most women are passive, this means I've probably missed out a bit. But, whatever. I've had a few girlfriends and I've been with the one I have now for 13 years and counting, so I was alright to be the way I am.



That can't possibly be true, since there are gay guys with female friends. Obviously they're not after sex.

Let me run a theoretical situation by you. Let's say I frequent a forum for some interest, Roman history perhaps. Almost everyone on the forum is male. I make good friends with someone on the forum over a period of years on the basis of our mutual interests, assuming they're male. At some point afterwards, they reveal they are female. What happens now? Am I smitten with lust when I find out? I've never even seen this person; she could be an 80 year old grandmother. Do I drop them as a friend? Why would I?

So it's definately possible. That being said - there's sexual tension between men and women. Friendships do, sometimes, become more even when that's not what either person intended initially. And of course, there are lots of guys who make friends with women just to get in their pants. But you can't generalize and say everyone in some group (gender, race, ethnicity, whatever) is the same, because people are all different.



Having a role model to teach you what to do is one thing, but nobody can teach you what you should feel. They can only teach you how to deal with what you do feel. There's no right or wrong way to feel, only in how you deal with it. Feelings are involuntary. They can be managed and controlled, but not prevented.



Probably, yes. I would have no idea what to teach a girl growing up about being female. I don't think any male would, though some might think they do. But it's not logical since there's no basis of direct experience.



I'm not entirely certain if there any men who are fully 100% asexual (there probably are, but I can't say for certain). But if you only want friendship, and you want to be sure of no sexual tension at all, you could try making friends with a gay guy. Or go on the internet and make friends without revealing that you're female. Either of those should be pretty safe, given your preferences/concerns.

Stay safe and best of luck.