Date For Prom

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I'm a mom of a 19 year old high school senior. The prom is in 7 weeks. He has very few guy friends because he's always had his eye on girls. But he has poor social skills and uses the approach that if he looks sad, girls will come up to him and want to be his girlfriend.

Now he is obsessed with not having a date for the prom. He says she has to be a girlfriend, not a friend. It's an impossible goal (I think). But it's more frustrating because he won't do anything we've suggested.

He eats lunch at home. We suggested he start eating lunch at school with a couple of guys he knows. Those guys know girls and maybe he can at least get a date.

Or, he can summon his courage and sit with a girl he knows. After a couple of lunches he could ask if anyone knows a girl who doesn't have a date for the prom.

He won't do anything. He complains and does nothing. I love him so much and I wish I could help him, but it is what it is. I'm not a fairy godmother who can create an instant girlfriend.

Ideas?

PS: I'm writing because there's an old user name associated with his email and he refuses to open a new email account so he can be on Wrong Planet on his own.

you will just have to reassure him its not impossible, but he'll have to make some compromises to reach his goal.
another thing, these sort of experiences rarely happen twice in your life. esp. for aspies:

i had 2 prom offers and i declined back in my school days. the girls were pretty, and i dont know why i did it. i kept telling myself it was cos i thought prom was silly but really i was probably just very worse off in terms of my mental health then, and not ready to handle any criticism or comments (good or bad) about who i took. in hindsight, it's a part of my life i really regret not taking action on.

it would be a shame for him to miss out on a fun tradition, and perhaps the most positive way to look at any rejection (if the rejection or criticism is the main problem for him) is once school is over he'll probably never see any of the jerks that did criticise him ever again

First you need to tell him that the sad approach doesn't work on girls.

What Boo said.

Not the end of the world if he doesn't end up with a date, but it probably feels very important to him now. Most teenagers are unrealistic and naive, add AS and it really is hard.
Your description of your son reminds me of how my thought process worked in highschool.
I would bet there are probably girls at school who have crushes on him or would at least be receptive to going with him.

He is very good looking - tall, cute. But he doesn't get that you can't go up to a girl you think is pretty and ask her to go to the prom. Also,it's like it has to be perfect or forget it.

He also doesn't really get social cues, like facial expressions. Very concrete thinker. And, of course, he's nervous.

I tried to get him to go to a dance for just a half hour. Lots of people go by themselves. No. Wouldn't do it.

I'll try the "just go for it cuz you never have to see those nit wits again" approach.

Maybe he should just go for it and ask some girls anyway. Maybe someone will say yes. Or will know someone in a lower class who needs a date.

Fingers crossed. Thanks so much guys. This really helps.

This might come across a bit harsh, but I think there's some entitlement issues here.

Like you mean he or I feel like he's entitled to a date? I'm sure he feels that way. If his parents are ruining his life by getting a divorce then he's at least entitled to a girlfriend.

I'm just a mom who feels her son's pain and wishes I could help even though I know what reality is. I feel like it's worth a try to ask you guys.

Maybe he should just ask some girls and see what happens. If they say no - move on.

High school is so hard. No one asked me to the prom, so I asked a junior who wanted to go. At least it got me there! But he's tired of hearing my stories from the olden days.

Maybe ....


http://www.zdnet.com/blog/igeneration/h ... star/15717


... just, maybe :p.

Hey! Not that he'd have the slightest clue about what to do if he did get that sort of date, I'm sure she could help him out! And if he could find one who looks like Taylor Swift that would be even better.

Thanks for the laugh.

Maybe you can contact her ;p

"A porn star helping out an aspie boy for a date prom"

Sounds would be a good marketing boost for her.

At least porn stars are usually under constant STD surveillance.

The sad approach is manipulative and girls see it straight away, whether the guy is aspie or not. It is possibly the worst way of wooing a girl. Maybe you could find a few girls you know of his age range to explain this to him. Also, maybe they can explain that women aren't just objects to date - they're people too, and friend material. And, somehow convince him that if he has more girls who are friends, then he will learn (maybe) that they can teach him how to woo a girl.

I would suggest he skip the prom. It sounds like he's not ready for that yet. Some of us just need more time to develop the necessary social skills. Putting a time limit on it seems like a bad idea, and I'm afraid it would just be a bad experience.

As others have said, the most important thing is probably to rethink his approach. He needs to learn to present himself as confident and mature, not sad and needy. But again, it's a process, and it takes time. I would not want to put a deadline on these things.

i don't really have any good advice, but i'll offer my observations.

he sounds fixated and i suspect that if he does not attend at all then he will be complaining about it for a long time, and possibly blaming people around him for not facilitating his dating endeavours. the reason why i am saying that is because of your facetious comment about "ruining his life". i suspect he has said something similar to you, and it is often a pattern of blaming others for.... any perceived failure or disadvantage.

so... if he is friends with a girl she will be his best choice. she will be most likely to say yes to him if she is similarly dateless. randomly asking pretty girls is likely to fail. if you think failure is a good learning experience, it could be a good idea. but otherwise, i don't think there is much chance it will work. word travel fast, and asking more than a few people to prom starts to look really bad (and it will affect his confidence too).

it is possible to get a girlfriend before prom if it will be held at the end of the school year. as he gets closer to the prom, there will be girls that are still waiting anxiously for a date and they will probably be open to general dating at that point. talking to other guys will allow him to scope out which girls are still single and waiting for a date, as some of them will know the latest gossip.

sometimes, it can be tough to find a date if a person is a loner because often people pair off within a peer group. so if someone isolates themselves they will have a tough time knowing the dynamics of the group ( who has a date, who is likely to say yes, etc.).

looking sad and waiting for a girl to approach him is not likely to work. they will probably think there is something wrong with him and are likely to avoid him. if he was friends with a girl and looked sad, she might ask him what is wrong or offer a hug maybe, but that is about it. some girls like sad-looking guys, but the chances of finding a female like that who ALSO has the confidence to ask him out is extremely remote.

i didn't go to my prom. i didn't really see the point. a lot of people don't attend. check out this thread:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt160507.html

I never went to prom it was never my thing I can't really say I have any advice though

Hmm I've never understood the American Phenomenon called Prom, it seems to put the aspects of a social hierarchy into a direct perspective. In a way, it sounds like a beauty or popularity contest, everything about it seems shallow and tacky from a British perspective.

Probably why we don't have it in our country and I'm sure people from a European or British school of thought would agree with me.