How to use Assertiveness correctly

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I was taught this method as I think it brought a better chance of having a response.
Now if someone could further my points on the matter, I would gladly appreciate it, my phone is a pain in the backside.
A certain level of assertiveness in your words may be key to boosting some self esteem and confidence.
However too much assertiveness will look intimidating to the one that is recieving. Therefore it is essential to control that assertiveness.

From 'Brilliant Communication Skills', by Gill Hasson.


Assertive Communication

Being assertive means expressing honestly and appropriately your feelings, opinions and needs. Assertive communication involves the belief that you can choose whether or not to tell other people what you think, how you feel and what you believe.

When you are being assertive you invite other people's views, even though they may be different from your own. You do not try to dominate others or involve yourself in criticism.


Aggressive Communication

Aggressive communication also involves expressing your feelings, opinions and needs but in a way that threatens, dismisses or controls other people.

When you are aggressive you may feel you have to prove things and push a point. If you feel you are being treated badly you react with anger and hostility.

Rather than being honest and direct, aggressive communication often involves being rude, sarcastic and blaming.

Aggression is a one-way process - you say what you do and do not want but you do not listen to or take into consideration other people's needs and feelings.


Passive Communication

Passive communication does not involve expressing thoughts, feelings and needs; it means letting other people talk over you and tell what is and what is not. Passive communication means that you do not say what you think or feel. You often go along with others, even when you do not agree with them. You prefer to stay quiet and agreeable, but your compliance is frequently misinterpreted, often leaving others uncertain of your thoughts and feelings so they ignore or disregard you.

It's easy for other people to disrespect you.


Passive-aggressive Communication

Passive-aggressive communications is an indirect and dishonest expression of feelings, opinions and needs. It is manipulative; you control situations and people without seeming to. Typically, this type of communication displays a passive resistance to cooperating with others.

Passive-aggressive communication often means suppressing anger and frustration and using a non-verbal way of expressing it - for example, giving others the silent treatment or dirty looks when you are unhappy with them. This does not, however, let others know what you are feeling. Passive aggressive communicators may also be in the habit of using sarcasm and other subtle communication devices to avoid confrontation or get out of doing certain tasks.

Thanks Orr, this is exactly what I had in mind.

It's possible to be passive and assertive at the same time, simply by never actually agreeing or disagreeing with anything said. I find this to be a useful mode in a variety of situations. Its good when its appropriate simply to be listening. Also useful in annoying situations.

It's also possible to be forced out of this mode if the person presses for a commitment of some sort, although sometimes that can be evaded.

Orr's posting of the excerpt from "Brilliant Communication Skills", by Gill Hasson, was very interesting, and makes a lot of sense. Assertiveness can be very good, but it can be very difficult at times to keep from straying into aggressiveness. Passive communication also has a place at time, too, as Edgewaters says, but is sometimes over used.

I don't have just one way of doing it. I've done all of these at different times, and I do have a problem keeping assertive from turning into aggressive when I am trying to be assertive.

This thread should be stickied.

Using incorrectly.

Dude that pic's hilarious! And brilliant Orr, hope that helps many.

Well nomadder, though that can be possible. I do think some aspies can be able to understand most of the differences between feelings.
It could be that some things appear to look identical like friendships and more in AS and alexithymia but it can be misleading.