Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

I'm a newbie - and I think I'm in the right place!!

Page 1 of 2 [ 26 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2012
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 19

05 May 2012, 2:33 pm

Joined your fine community today in the hopes of learning more about how best to proceed in my relationship. I am an NT (44 years old); he is an undiagnosed Aspie (turning 44 today!). I have plenty of my own issues, mainly dealing with childhood abuse (the trifecta - physical, emotional and sexual abuse), for which I have weekly therapy sessions.

He and I have known each other for nearly six years but only got together about 18 months ago. It has been quite the challenge, to say the least, and I've only now come to fully realize why he has the limitations he does. I love the man with all my heart and soul, and I want to learn what it takes to have a successful relationship with an Aspie. I've definitely learned to toss all my romantic expectations out the window (a hard lesson for a hopeless romantic such as myself), and he's certainly come a long way from when we first got together, in terms of showing/expressing affection; but, as with all things, I know there are still many lessons to come.

There have been a couple of major upheavals in our lives recently - he lost his job, and I'm in the process of losing my mother (end-stage cancer), so we're not without some potholes in the road we're traveling together; but, we're doing the best we can to navigate through things together and support each other.

So, any introductory words of wisdom for this NT who's venturing into the Aspie world for the first time? I truly appreciate any advice/insight offered, as I really do want to do everything I can to make my relationship a successful, long-lasting one.

My sincerest thanks to you all!



redrobin62
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Apr 2012
Age: 62
Gender: Male
Posts: 13,009
Location: Seattle, WA

05 May 2012, 2:52 pm

Welcome to WrongPlanet! With all the troubles you've had I'm sure you must say to yourself often, "My goodness, when is all this turmoil going to end?! Will I find true love, peace, happiness & contentment or is this just the lousy hand I've been dealt?" It's horrible. Some of us are born rich, some poor. Some are victimized, some are cherished like gold and spoiled like princes. Some are born in a warzone and some will never know starvation in their lifetime. Here at WrongPlanet there are tons of discussions to get into. Feel free to add to them. This is how we learn and invariably support each other.



AScomposer13413
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Feb 2012
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,157
Location: Canada

05 May 2012, 3:01 pm

First off, welcome to WrongPlanet! Hopefully we'll be able to give you the advice you're looking for!! Second off, if you want advice from us, you gotta be more specific than that! There's a whole lot of things to talk about, but the answer you're looking for will come when asked about it :) Give us as much info on a scenario as you can and we'll always be up for discussing it!!



PastFixations
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Sep 2011
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,735

05 May 2012, 3:04 pm

Well first of all you have my empathy in this awful stage of life at the moment.
An aspie with childhood abuse must be the worst feeling in the world. I can't even imagine how much he is going through. Sure enough childhood abuse is bad but being aspie is very bad since it can stick in your mind for a very long time.
Good luck in this time of need.
I'm very sorry that I can't offer anything that may be of any help at the moment.


_________________
www.wrongplanet.net/postp5013377.html&h ... t=#5013377

Sora: "My friends are my power."

Ventus: "I'm asking you as a friend. Just... put an end to me."


Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2012
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 19

05 May 2012, 3:47 pm

Thank you for the kind responses and welcomes!!

Okay, AScomposer13413, I'll try to be as specific as I can. Right now, one of the big stumbling blocks for us is the loss of his job. I know he's beating himself up inside about it (he lost the job - after 13 years there! - because people were tired of putting up with him and his Aspie ways. Since he hasn't been officially diagnosed, his behaviors were seen as simply disruptive, disrespectful, condescending, etc., and they finally had had enough. The few of us who realized the root cause of his social issues were powerless to keep him from getting fired. People believed what they wanted to about him, and he was sent packing.) He has always been quite the isolationist, and the firing has fed into that in a BIG way. He's holed himself up in his apartment, drinking heavily every night until he passes out. The fact that I was out of state dealing with my mother for several days didn't help, since I couldn't stop by and check on him. He's also seriously addicted to porn (and has been for a very long time), which throws another wrinkle into the relationship, as well as giving him another reason to hide himself away.

At this point, I'm very much afraid he's going to disappear into a bottle and his computer and I'll lose him for good. He's always been extremely careful with his money and has enough socked away to not have to worry about getting a new job for well over a year, so that's not something that would cause him to think twice about the drinking, etc. How do I go about supporting him, helping him through the hurt and humiliation of losing his job, without pushing him further away? If I ask too many questions, he gets mad and says I'm "interrogating" him, so I know I have to tread carefully. What can I do to help him help himself? What should I not do? I very much want to be there for him in whatever way he needs me, but the truth of the matter is, most often, I feel like he doesn't need me at all...



Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2012
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 19

05 May 2012, 3:49 pm

PastFixations wrote:
Well first of all you have my empathy in this awful stage of life at the moment.
An aspie with childhood abuse must be the worst feeling in the world. I can't even imagine how much he is going through. Sure enough childhood abuse is bad but being aspie is very bad since it can stick in your mind for a very long time.
Good luck in this time of need.
I'm very sorry that I can't offer anything that may be of any help at the moment.



Actually, I'm the one with the childhood abuse in her past, but his father was definitely not a contender for "Father of the Year," and I suspect that at the very least, he was subjected to a lot of emotional abuse at that man's hands.



PastFixations
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Sep 2011
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,735

05 May 2012, 4:04 pm

Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch wrote:
PastFixations wrote:
Well first of all you have my empathy in this awful stage of life at the moment.
An aspie with childhood abuse must be the worst feeling in the world. I can't even imagine how much he is going through. Sure enough childhood abuse is bad but being aspie is very bad since it can stick in your mind for a very long time.
Good luck in this time of need.
I'm very sorry that I can't offer anything that may be of any help at the moment.


Actually, I'm the one with the childhood abuse in her past, but his father was definitely not a contender for "Father of the Year," and I suspect that at the very least, he was subjected to a lot of emotional abuse at that man's hands.
Is this an assumption of his father or has he said this?


_________________
www.wrongplanet.net/postp5013377.html&h ... t=#5013377

Sora: "My friends are my power."

Ventus: "I'm asking you as a friend. Just... put an end to me."


Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2012
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 19

05 May 2012, 4:47 pm

PastFixations wrote:
Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch wrote:
PastFixations wrote:
Well first of all you have my empathy in this awful stage of life at the moment.
An aspie with childhood abuse must be the worst feeling in the world. I can't even imagine how much he is going through. Sure enough childhood abuse is bad but being aspie is very bad since it can stick in your mind for a very long time.
Good luck in this time of need.
I'm very sorry that I can't offer anything that may be of any help at the moment.


Actually, I'm the one with the childhood abuse in her past, but his father was definitely not a contender for "Father of the Year," and I suspect that at the very least, he was subjected to a lot of emotional abuse at that man's hands.
Is this an assumption of his father or has he said this?


A little of both, quite frankly. He has mentioned a few incidents involving his father, and I've seen first-hand some of the things his father has said to him in emails, so I'm fairly certain there was some abuse there. He mostly refuses to even mention his father, though, so deeper discussions on the subject are pretty much out.



Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2004
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 46,091
Location: Houston, Texas

05 May 2012, 5:41 pm

Welcome to WP!

I take it you're a big Venture Bros. fan. I love that show!


_________________
Who’s better at math than a robot? They’re made of math!


DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

05 May 2012, 6:32 pm

Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch wrote:
Thank you for the kind responses and welcomes!!

Okay, AScomposer13413, I'll try to be as specific as I can. Right now, one of the big stumbling blocks for us is the loss of his job. I know he's beating himself up inside about it (he lost the job - after 13 years there! - because people were tired of putting up with him and his Aspie ways. Since he hasn't been officially diagnosed, his behaviors were seen as simply disruptive, disrespectful, condescending, etc., and they finally had had enough. The few of us who realized the root cause of his social issues were powerless to keep him from getting fired. People believed what they wanted to about him, and he was sent packing.) He has always been quite the isolationist, and the firing has fed into that in a BIG way. He's holed himself up in his apartment, drinking heavily every night until he passes out. The fact that I was out of state dealing with my mother for several days didn't help, since I couldn't stop by and check on him. He's also seriously addicted to porn (and has been for a very long time), which throws another wrinkle into the relationship, as well as giving him another reason to hide himself away.

At this point, I'm very much afraid he's going to disappear into a bottle and his computer and I'll lose him for good. He's always been extremely careful with his money and has enough socked away to not have to worry about getting a new job for well over a year, so that's not something that would cause him to think twice about the drinking, etc. How do I go about supporting him, helping him through the hurt and humiliation of losing his job, without pushing him further away? If I ask too many questions, he gets mad and says I'm "interrogating" him, so I know I have to tread carefully. What can I do to help him help himself? What should I not do? I very much want to be there for him in whatever way he needs me, but the truth of the matter is, most often, I feel like he doesn't need me at all...


Wow, that is difficult.

I wonder if it would work to ask him to develop a "back to life" plan. A time period for how long he can wallow in his misery, how involved you'll be in that period, and then what methods you can use to help push him out of it when that time is up.

My husband (probably ASD) doesn't want anyone's help and absolutely refuses to ask for it, but at the same time I can and do drag him out of his holes - when he is ready. The biggest thing I see is that he never believes in the options. He doesn't think they can happen, or that he can do them. But he sees me challenging assumptions and succeeding all the time, and the more he sees it, the more he believes it is possible.

One thing he won't let me do is actually fight his battles, but he will let me show him strategies, as long as I can keep words like "you should" out of it. A delicate dance, really, but overall he has come so far since we first met.

I think inspiration is a good role for a partner; being the one that helps our loved one find the hidden doors in that big cement wall.


_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


Silvervarg
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Jan 2009
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 787
Location: Sweden

06 May 2012, 2:28 am

As far as it goes for me, if I want to talk I talk, otherwise it's quite enough for the other person to just be there, for someone how has been alone most of the time, just having someone there is priceless.

Hope it works out for him, and that this blows over quickly (not that likley ^^), and whish him a happy birthday from us here. :D


_________________
Sing songs. Songs sung. Samsung.


poeticwrongplanet
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 30 Sep 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 27

06 May 2012, 6:02 am

My goodness. My heart goes out to you. Your story touched me on so many levels. I even prayed for you with sincerity and I hope you'll get the strength to get through your situation.

There are many facets to your situation, but though this might seems as just a minor part of it, one thing that jumped out to me was you mentioned that he watches porn a lot. Now I don't want to jump to conclusions but in my effort to try and offer some help to you, I would recommend you to consider that he might be addicted to internet porn. This is a serious issue and I have no doubts that it plays a role in your husbands state of mind. You see, internet porn is kind of like the perfect drug, and our bodies have not been prepared for something so potent. People use it as an escape from pain, but while it momentarily provides that escape, it actually only adds to the pain we were trying to escape in the first place.

First of all, try to teach yourself about internet porn addiction, and then teach him. Aspies are great self learners so make this information available to him as well after you teach yourself a bit. There are websites like: npsupport.net, yourbrainonporn.com, and some excellent youtube videos such as this two part series:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tl7NAwO ... ure=relmfu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSWaXise ... ure=relmfu

-----------------------------

As I said, your story has so many facets, and I really feel for you. If it turns out he is in fact addicted to internet porn, then I hope that making efforts in this one area would create a ripple effect in healing the other areas in your relationship.



Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2012
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 19

06 May 2012, 12:38 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
Welcome to WP!

I take it you're a big Venture Bros. fan. I love that show!


Thank you, and indeed! My Aspie is my Monarch. He introduced me to the show and, several months later, even bought us the Monarch & Mrs bobbleheads! :lol:



Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2012
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 19

06 May 2012, 12:47 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch wrote:
Thank you for the kind responses and welcomes!!

Okay, AScomposer13413, I'll try to be as specific as I can. Right now, one of the big stumbling blocks for us is the loss of his job. I know he's beating himself up inside about it (he lost the job - after 13 years there! - because people were tired of putting up with him and his Aspie ways. Since he hasn't been officially diagnosed, his behaviors were seen as simply disruptive, disrespectful, condescending, etc., and they finally had had enough. The few of us who realized the root cause of his social issues were powerless to keep him from getting fired. People believed what they wanted to about him, and he was sent packing.) He has always been quite the isolationist, and the firing has fed into that in a BIG way. He's holed himself up in his apartment, drinking heavily every night until he passes out. The fact that I was out of state dealing with my mother for several days didn't help, since I couldn't stop by and check on him. He's also seriously addicted to porn (and has been for a very long time), which throws another wrinkle into the relationship, as well as giving him another reason to hide himself away.

At this point, I'm very much afraid he's going to disappear into a bottle and his computer and I'll lose him for good. He's always been extremely careful with his money and has enough socked away to not have to worry about getting a new job for well over a year, so that's not something that would cause him to think twice about the drinking, etc. How do I go about supporting him, helping him through the hurt and humiliation of losing his job, without pushing him further away? If I ask too many questions, he gets mad and says I'm "interrogating" him, so I know I have to tread carefully. What can I do to help him help himself? What should I not do? I very much want to be there for him in whatever way he needs me, but the truth of the matter is, most often, I feel like he doesn't need me at all...


Wow, that is difficult.

I wonder if it would work to ask him to develop a "back to life" plan. A time period for how long he can wallow in his misery, how involved you'll be in that period, and then what methods you can use to help push him out of it when that time is up.

My husband (probably ASD) doesn't want anyone's help and absolutely refuses to ask for it, but at the same time I can and do drag him out of his holes - when he is ready. The biggest thing I see is that he never believes in the options. He doesn't think they can happen, or that he can do them. But he sees me challenging assumptions and succeeding all the time, and the more he sees it, the more he believes it is possible.

One thing he won't let me do is actually fight his battles, but he will let me show him strategies, as long as I can keep words like "you should" out of it. A delicate dance, really, but overall he has come so far since we first met.

I think inspiration is a good role for a partner; being the one that helps our loved one find the hidden doors in that big cement wall.


Thank you for this. I was actually contemplating something very similar to what you've termed a "back to life plan," but was afraid it might be pushing too much. He's big on "no pressure" - sometimes he's joking when he says it, but oftentimes, he's dead serious. He doesn't like to feel pressured at all, so I spend a lot of time walking on eggshells and second guessing what I might say to him about, well, really, anything.

I'm sure that just as every one of us is different, the same can be said for every Aspie, so I know there's no "one size fits all" solution here, but I very much appreciate the input and hearing about your own experiences. They're already helping me to formulate an approach that hopefully will help pull him back from the ledge.



Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2012
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 19

06 May 2012, 12:52 pm

Silvervarg wrote:
As far as it goes for me, if I want to talk I talk, otherwise it's quite enough for the other person to just be there, for someone how has been alone most of the time, just having someone there is priceless.

Hope it works out for him, and that this blows over quickly (not that likley ^^), and whish him a happy birthday from us here. :D


Thank you. Yes, he definitely has his times when he more or less "shuts down." The hardest times for me are when I know there's something churning in his head but he's too ashamed to discuss it. He'll hang his head, refuse to make eye contact with me - it's awful. He's not just my sweetheart, he's my best friend. So, when he retreats into himself, I feel very inadequate and lost. I just have to wait it out until he's done processing. Hopefully, as you've said above, just my being there is enough.

Thank you for the positive thoughts and birthday wishes for him, too! Onward and upward, right? :)



Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2012
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 19

06 May 2012, 1:02 pm

poeticwrongplanet wrote:
My goodness. My heart goes out to you. Your story touched me on so many levels. I even prayed for you with sincerity and I hope you'll get the strength to get through your situation.

There are many facets to your situation, but though this might seems as just a minor part of it, one thing that jumped out to me was you mentioned that he watches porn a lot. Now I don't want to jump to conclusions but in my effort to try and offer some help to you, I would recommend you to consider that he might be addicted to internet porn. This is a serious issue and I have no doubts that it plays a role in your husbands state of mind. You see, internet porn is kind of like the perfect drug, and our bodies have not been prepared for something so potent. People use it as an escape from pain, but while it momentarily provides that escape, it actually only adds to the pain we were trying to escape in the first place.

First of all, try to teach yourself about internet porn addiction, and then teach him. Aspies are great self learners so make this information available to him as well after you teach yourself a bit. There are websites like: npsupport.net, yourbrainonporn.com, and some excellent youtube videos such as this two part series:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tl7NAwO ... ure=relmfu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSWaXise ... ure=relmfu

-----------------------------

As I said, your story has so many facets, and I really feel for you. If it turns out he is in fact addicted to internet porn, then I hope that making efforts in this one area would create a ripple effect in healing the other areas in your relationship.


Thank you very much, both for your insights and the prayers! They are definitely appreciated!

(I must make one correction, though - he's not my husband, just my sweetheart of about 18 months now and my best friend for the last few years). He is most definitely addicted to inernet porn, which was the natural progression of his "pre-internet" porn addiction. (He has a lifetime subscription to Playboy, used to belong to a "porn video of the month" club - back in the days of VHS - and in the early internet porn days, even belonged to several porn message board sites. Sometimes he cringes when that comes up, due to the volume of his physical collections, as well as the rather vile nature of many of the discussions on those message board sites). Without a doubt, it has led to some significant problems in our relationship, especially when coupled with my own issues stemming from childhood sexual abuse. We're a match made in dysfunctional heaven!! ;)

I appreciate the resources and will definitely take the time to check out the links and the sites that you mentioned. Between those and the strategies my therapist has given me, perhaps I will be able to make some inroads with him and help gently ease him out of his addiction. One thing I know for sure, it's going to be a LONG, uphill battle, since his addiction goes back at least two decades. That's definitely not going to be undone overnight, but I made him a promise early on that come what may, I wasn't going to give up on him or us, so I'm in this for the long haul.