Seeing a relationships as a form of 'escape'?

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Is it really wrong of me to see a relationship as one of my ultimate salvations (the others being friends, a change of environment, beginning my future instead of doing nothing with my life right now), a form of escape from my depression and life?

I know, I know what people say - a relationship 'won't make you happy'.

However, all causes of my depression are due to circumstances I cannot control - circumstances that would change if I was in a relationship.

The place I live, a boring, small, dead-end city with a high crime rate. There is nothing to do here for the majority of people, and most people are extremely unfriendly and rude to the point it has ignited my agoraphobia and I can't leave the house alone or I will get anxiety and panic attacks.

Even when with family and friends, nearly everytime we leave the house we get rude glares or looks.

It's very hard to meet new people, there are almost no singles, etc.

So, a change of location is what I need. If i had a girlfriend who lives in another city and was able to move in with her, I'd be away from this terrible place.

But, no matter where I live, it's my family I've also got to escape. Very dsyfunctional, arguments, fights, absolutely awful. Get stressed out from them daily, and it's not my fault - most of my family is terribly behaved most of the time, except for my Mum, who also feels the same stress and frustration I do.

It's taking a toll on my mental state.

Again, a girlfriend or friends to live with would get me out of this situation.

But, all my friends live in other cities and I rarely see them.

I am extremely lonely and have no one to spend time with except my family, and like I said it's hard to meet new people here.

So, a relationship would make me happy if I could see them often, because I would feel less lonely.

A friend or relationship who lives in the same place as me, who I could move in with, they are my salvation from my depression, my hopelessness, and all the frustration, worry, misery and stress I feel in my daily life.

Living on my own is not the answer and impossible. I'd hate the idea of living alone, I fear it, and like I said, right now I'm trying to overcome my agoraphobia - I can't do that if I live alone.

So tell me, what is the answer?

I am on a variety of medications, hate them all, they all f*ck me up. I've been mixing and experimenting with (safe amounts) over-the-counter medications (anti-headache, anti-pain medicines, multivitamins, health medicines, anxiety relief medicines, etc.) and they are making me feel happier and healthier. I do spend time on my hobbies and interests. I workout and eat healthy and spend time on my hygiene. I look and feel good. I meditate and use aromatherapy and a variety of other New Age techniques. I use delta waves and other brainwave music to calm myself. I drink tea. I get the ideal amount of sleep each night.

I'm not sure if this belongs here, or in the Haven.

But I'm tired of people claiming being in a relationship won't make you happy. I've made two girlfriends and, while they didn't solve my problems, I overall felt slightly happier all the time, and it was this amount of extra happiness that would be enough right now to possibly cure me of my moderate depression.

I've always seen relationships this way, as an escape from whatever depression or stress I've faced in my life, and majority of the time they have successfully managed to do this.

I find no problem with that approach as long as you get together with a girl because you like her and not because you want her to cure your loneliness. I think loneliness can cause depression, and then depression makes it hard to get out of loneliness. This is a kind of vicious circle that is hard to break. The typical advice to learn to cope with loneliness really doesn't help here.

She wouldn't be the cure, but having a girlfriend, along with rewarding friendships and family who I can spend more time with, instead of the stressful people in my life right now, would certainly be a big help.

Wanting a partner is a natural human need, I don't know why so many here deny this.

And considering I'm doing everything else in my life right, finding more friends and/or a relationship is the next logical step.

I think that you are right and that relations are a crucial part of a cure from a depression. You should value also the little relations and encounters with people, and not just go for the one-and-only-relationship. It appears a little as if you were expecting a future girl-friend princess to take you away on her white horse. Do not give too much importance to glances of others, even if they are a little suspicious of you: Anxiety level and schizoid fears are part of a depression, and all in all people are not that dangerous, even if you live in a city with a high crime rate.

You are right that dysfunctional relationships with people you spend a lot of time with are taking their toll. So try to shield yourself against your more problematic family members, at least mentally. More standard interaction helps sometimes more than less interaction.

Yes, you'd probably feel somewhat happier if you had a relationship. You're more likely to find a girl to have a relationship if you first escape your situation, though, not the other way around. I mean, you don't want to date someone in your own town, since you're planning to leave! And it's unlikely you can find a girl in another town to woo long-distance to the point where she invites you to move in with her (although it could happen, I suppose.)

Are you really only 17? And do you have any source of income? If you are of full age and have your own money, you could start looking for rooms to rent in your desired area, rather than waiting for your whole family (who mostly annoy you) to relocate.

I don't think it's as simple as 'relationships cant make you happy.' I mean in a lot of ways it can. It's more like you shouldn't solely rely on a relationship for your well-being. Like you shouldn't put your state of well-being on the other person as if it's their sole responsibility to fix your emotional state....but it doesn't mean a relationship doesn't make you feel better about anything or that the person your in a relationship with wont make you feel better. That doesn't translate to if you get a girlfriend she can fix your agoraphobia or family problems though. Also its not entirely bad to see a relationship as allowing you to escape from some things.

But a relationship as an escape from 'life' doesn't sound like a very good idea. I picture a guy getting a girlfriend and then proceeding to do nothing at all except hang around in her house....all thoughts of getting a job, going to college, developing any hobbies gone and expecting loving interactions for the duration of the relationship. Whilst the girlfriend gradually gets fed up...when it seems like the guy is using her as a means to hide from life and responsibilities, she feels used and then break ups ensue. Probably better to see a relationship as a positive part of your life otherwise you risk a strange mindset of not having to do anything or putting everything off because treating a relationship as an escape makes you put other stuff out of your mind to an irresponsible degree I think.

Sounds like one issue is a desire to move...of course if you got in a relationship with someone in a different city and were able to move in with them that would be good. However that would likely take some time since people usually want to establish long term relationship status before moving in together...what about looking into living somewhere with room mates, or is there any way you could stay with any friends?

^ I don't think he just wants to "elope" with a girlfriend. I think he understands that doesn't exactly work anymore in our ridged society.

If you're depressed because you're single, then a relationship, if a happy one, will rectify that. If you're depressed for another reason then it wont necessarily solve it, it might take your mind off of it or even remove you from the issue. Good relationships can only have a positive effect on your life.

Outrider I think you need to focus on becoming independent from you family first if you want any future relationships to work out. Go to university(which you said you can basically attend for free ), live with random roommates if you have to(not all roommates are terrible), be where people are. Bit the bullet.

Yeah I think it's fine. But I seem to get a different kind of depression to most, in that I tend to know what the problems are (rather than just being a naive slave to my brain chemicals), and when I fix the problems, I fix the depression. So, when I'm living somewhere that suits me, I'm happier; when I'm single or in a good relationship, I'm happier; if I ever find a job I feel comfortable in, I truly believe I'll be a lot happier.

If you operate in a similar way to this, then I see no reason why finding a (good) relationship won't improve your well-being.

As said previously, don't just look for "a relationship" though, look for someone you like. Make sure you actually want to be with the girl, and not just because she will give you a relationship! But I think you already understand that part of it.

Getting my current girlfriend & my exes was a form of escapism for me. I was trapped living with my parents were were very critical of my Aspie quirks & other mental & physical disabilities. I couldn't go anywhere on my own cuz it was a rural town & I cant drive because of my disabilities. I couldn't move out because I didn't have a job due to my disabilities thou I was trying my best to find one but I did have SSI & later Social Security Disability. I wanted a girlfriend so I could have someone to talk to who could make me feel loved & get some physical affection. I also thought eventually moving in with her would fix my bad environmental circumstances. I did find those things with my current girlfriend & moving from Louisiana to Vermont to be with her. I really do love her because she understands me, accepts me, is sensitive, caring, loving, sweet, affectionate towards me, & makes me feel needed & appreciated amongst other things.

I might also mention I think having a good relationship can be a positive influence...it gives you someone to want to better yourself for. I mean there are things I did and situations I put myself in when I've been single or in less than satisfying relationships that I wouldn't even think of doing now that I have a boyfriend I really care about.

Thank you all for now. Short response for now but will reply in detail within next 25-48 hours.

#Holidays

"I think that you are right and that relations are a crucial part of a cure from a depression..."

Yep. I do, from friendships and family to just plain good people who can make my hour/day.

"It appears a little as if you were expecting a future girl-friend princess to take you away on her white horse."

As much as I try to avoid it...it continues to happen.

I already know a relationship won't make me 'happy', but it may set me on the right path to have a better social life.

"Do not give too much importance to glances of others, even if they are a little suspicious of you..."

It's directly where my fear stems - that people are out to get me, and when I encounter rudeness or hostility, it usually supports this.

"You are right that dysfunctional relationships with people you spend a lot of time with are taking their toll..."

Yep. Required interaction and not interaction for enjoyment.

But it's unavoidable when fights and arguments go on and I need to leave the room to simply get something but get a headache due to all the yelling - it directly affects me and even just overhearing stuff from my room makes me upset and angry because they all fail to get along.

I'm certainly not pure myself but my mother and I have been the best behaved in the house and the one's that want conflict the least.

"Yes, you'd probably feel somewhat happier if you had a relationship."

Yeah, I know. But the main problem is the amount of time I might be moving is indefinite. It could be next month, it could be December at the latest, or possibly even further than that. The property managers of my family's home like my family to the point they keep pressuring my mother to sign longer and longer leases. She could not sign a 3 month last February but a 6 month, and once it reaches July, if we don't have a new place, she predicts she'll be getting pressured to sign a 12 month.

"Are you really only 17? And do you have any source of income?..."

Only 17? Yes, I am. I do, but it's not sufficient as of yet, and besides, at least in Australia, a young male in the 18-25 range would find it nigh-impossible to rent a house due to stereotypes (party animal, etc.) And, I actually love my family and want to stay with them, I may have over-emphasized my wanting to move out because when I wrote the first post, a big argument/fights between the family and not me just went on. I was very distraught.

"I don't think it's as simple as 'relationships cant make you happy.'..."

Yep, it's a piece of the puzzle that I'm already working on. A piece I deeply wish to complete, as the other pieces (future independence, financial independence, learning license, attending university, etc.) are not priorities right now.

Why is a relationship a 'priority'? Because I desire friendships and/or a relationship. My social life in general is a priority right now.

But a relationship as an escape from 'life' doesn't sound like a very good idea..."

Nope. I've gotten this far without one, it'd be interesting to see how much further I could get with a genuine support network - my former friend's from high school, god bless them all, the traitors, are all attending the local university together and all have each other in times of trouble and stress, and the majority of them have friends and relationships.

"or is there any way you could stay with any friends?"

Friends is actually a possibility. However, my closest friend, my best friend, I'm slowly starting to dislike and feel distance from him is better than spending more time around him more than anything else. Another good friend lives where I want to, but is a year younger and still with his less-than-ideal family.

My two other friends live far up-north, and while I'm interested in a 1-2 week holiday with them in a few month's time, while I use to live in the same city as them a tropical coastal paradise that I miss, i can't see myself staying there long term, being so far from family and friends, in an overpriced tourist trap, and as good as the city is, it's just too far from everything - very isolated.

"^ I don't think he just wants to "elope" with a girlfriend..."

Verbatim.

"If you're depressed because you're single, then a relationship, if a happy one, will rectify that..."

Agreed.

"Outrider I think you need to focus on becoming independent..."

Take the plunge - very good advice, but I'm just holding out until we move closer to where I want to be.

As free as university is, the one here doesn't have what I want, has my former high school friends (who I want to avoid), and there's still transfer fees.

"If you operate in a similar way to this, then I see no reason why finding a (good) relationship won't improve your well-being."

Thanks.

"As said previously, don't just look for "a relationship" though..."

Yeah, my standards have remained the same, and there's plenty of people in the same city as me on dating sites but aren't my type, so I still don't go after them.

nick007: Precisely - making the best of one's situation isn't always possible. Sometimes the best idea is, if you are in less-than-ideal circumstances, are having trouble dealing with it, and the option to leave is available, then the best idea is to leave.

A person who can't find a job in a small, highly unemployed town should move to 'the big city' if it'll increase his prospects for looking for work, just like a lonely, miserable, brooding person who spends all their time whining on forums and messageboards should still get out there and make the effort to meet new people.

And if one can't meet new people in their own town, and hate their town anyway, why not leave?

"I might also mention I think having a good relationship can be a positive influence...it gives you someone to want to better yourself for..."

My two previous one's done that for me...but I can clearly self-improve on my own, what with my eagerness to learn and do and see as much as possible, relationship or no relationship.

Health, fun, education, living life...but not all of us want to, nor can, go it alone in the long-term and keep a healthy mental state.

This thread has really cheered me up and reminded me it's not the only thing in the world - in the short-term.

I always have short-term bursts of happiness and optimism before it sinks in once again, several months later, very little in my life has changed and I'm not where I wanted to be after months of working hard to hope I would be.

"Yay, I'll be moving soon and out of this hellhole. Think positive! I'll be out of here in no time!"

4 months later...

"I'm still here..."

or

"I'll gain that muscle I want, remember - muscle gains are slow, and take time, dedication and effort in diet, rest and training."

4 months later...

"Do I even look any different?"

Improvements have been more major than I make them out to be - improvements in musical talent, volunteering, social skills, health have all been quite vast in the last 6 months.

I just think negatively to see it sometimes.