Seriously getting tired of games
Why the heck does dating have to be damn complicated? I mean, why does it have to be so hard? What's wrong with getting to know people, just having fun? Instead it's all couched in drama and subterfuge and politics and games.
When I get a reply to OKCupid, I respond. I know, I know, I probably respond too quickly. f**k that game playing BS. When someone writes me, I write them back as soon as I get it, because it's the POLITE think to do. Of course, that probably comes off as overeager, and most don't write back again.
Those that do, seem to hide themselves, like one really interesting girl who I was hitting it off with, who never mentions in her profile that she's got a kid. Only brings it up now, as things were progressing. I don't like being misled. I mean, she doesn't think that's important to mention in her profile? Especially when I make clear in MY profile I do not like kids or want them?
It's enough to make me mention my AS on my profile, because I want to be upfront, and not hide who I am. Anyways, if my AS scares people away, to hell with them for being ignorant.
And then the one girl I actually meet from all this, says at the end of her first date, when I suggest meeting again, that she's going on a series of first dates.
Real classy. Just trying me out, and a bunch of others to see what fits? Trying to see which model gives you the most bang for your buck? To hell with that.
I think back to all the girls in my, and all the games that were played. Of phone calls that were cut short, of messages unanswered. It's so isolating. Is it so wrong to just wanna call and have a chat with somebody? And more and more what I think I really crave, is for a girl to call ME. Just that feeling of reciprocity. Always it was me doing the work, the calling, to where I just don't know if love is real, or what it's like, because I've never had that feeling from a woman, who cared to call.
I have a recurring dream, I've mentioned before I believe. The setting changes...baseball stadium, school, park bench, but the scenario is the same: someone who is a stranger, or maybe vaguely familiar, pretty, kind eyes, walks up to me, sits next to me, and hold my hand. Or kisses me. Simple as that. Someone showing real affection, and it's just for me.
I turned 28 last weekend, and my birthday was spent...with my parents. I thought by now I'd have found someone to spend it with. And this weekend...spent with the parents again. Because the latest girl doesn't seem to want to return my texts or calls.
I love my parents dearly but the problem is they've all I got. I've gotta find someone else, because someone my parents won't be there, and I'm desperately afraid of what will happen then. But why must finding someone be so fraught with pain, disappointment, heartache?
Even love itself doesn't mean it's all a bed of roses.
Some relationships aren't healthy but they keep in them out of fear or because of there are children involved.
At least you feel you should put about your AS, honesty is the best policy as they say.
Also try not to keep too much of a hold as it seems that you could be very possessive and controlling and she may feel restricted and she'll go in the opposite direction.
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OliveOilMom
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The thing about answering back immediately is that it can seem desperate. Like you are sitting there waiting for a response. Of course you could be someone who only logs on once a day and they just happened to respond during that time, but it really wouldn't come across that way. I'd wait at least an hour before responding. That's not playing a game, it's just trying to give a good first impression.
As for the girl with the kid, she may have her own reason for not putting it in her profile. People don't have to be open about 100% of everything from the get go. Sometimes it's better to get to know someone before finding things out about them. About your AS, I wouldn't put it in there if I were you, mainly because of how people perceive autism.
The girl going on the series of first dates, I dunno, that sounds a lot like a line to me. Maybe she doesn't want to go out with you again but doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I'd think that if she was doing something like that she would have mentioned it before the end of the date. Sometimes people don't hit it off and that's ok.
Don't give up or get discouraged and please don't start seeing games and manipulation, etc where there isn't any or where none are intended that way. If you get bitter girls will pick up on that fast and it's a very unattractive quality. Just keep looking and don't try so hard, because then it turns into work and it won't be fun. Relax and have fun with it.
Have you tried speed dating at all? That looks like a lot of fun. I'm married and wouldn't want to go out with anybody but I really think I'd enjoy the actual speed dating. I could make up personalities and try out being different people. Maybe you could see if there is a speed dating event near you.
Good luck!
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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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Speed Dating... Hah! If that was at my pace it would be like normal dating anyway.
Besides if the OP said that he wants to be honest, why would he want to play out different personalities and different people?
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Sora: "My friends are my power."
Ventus: "I'm asking you as a friend. Just... put an end to me."
OliveOilMom
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Besides if the OP said that he wants to be honest, why would he want to play out different personalities and different people?
I didn't mean for him to do the different personalities, I just meant that I think it would be fun for me to do that because I'm married and not dating anybody anyway. I was suggesting actual speed dating for him.
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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.
The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com
Most people do not know, and do not care what Asperger's syndrome is. They will not go to Wikipedia to look it up. Even if they did, it would probably scare them. I'd be scared if I didn't have it.
A first date is somewhat like a job interview. It is scary for both people involved. 45% to 50% of first marriages end in divorce. 60% to 67% of second marriages end in divorce. 70% to 73% of third marriages end in divorce. You know the old Billy Joel song, "either way, you'll end up with yourself."
About the kid, I do not know. It is strange that she did not put that on her profile.
From what I have discovered about dating, this is about monopolizing all the free hours of a person's life. I don't like it because the minute you have a little free time, you are forced to do stupid repetitive things with some jerk who will eventually leave you. What's not to like?
It might take as much as a year to build a loving caring relationship with kissing and sex. It does not happen in 2-3 dates.
I just want to see where it goes, but I can't even maintain contact with women. One date, and they never keep in touch.
I'm just eager to form some friendships with women, and see where they go. I'm afraid of hanging out with guys too much, because I'm afraid people will soon think I'm gay because I'm not dating and I'm hanging out with guys. And that'll only make things worse.
I'd just love to have a girl who is my friend, and maybe one day put the two together.
then again, I DID have that....I was so damn close to making it happen, and then her goddamn friend fixed her up on a blind date with some tool, and they're engaged now. She didn't want to rush with me, but she sure did for him.
Why would you be gay if you are just hanging out with your friends that happen to be males?
Also why care with what other people think of you when you are with your friends.
_________________
www.wrongplanet.net/postp5013377.html&h ... t=#5013377
Sora: "My friends are my power."
Ventus: "I'm asking you as a friend. Just... put an end to me."
I agree with everything else you wrote, but this part I'm not so sure... It's true that you don't have to tell the person everything before you even meet them. However, whether or not someone has kids is a yes/no response field on almost every dating site I've seen. If someone leaves that field blank, that's a red flag, and you should ask her about it before you meet IRL.
Now, if someone outright LIES on that field, saying she has no kids when in fact she does, then she is a liar and you're better off without her. This happened to me once. Soon as I found out, the very next words out of my mouth were "check, please."
Hey scuba. I left it blank on one site cos rather than separate having kids from liking kids or wanting kids it grouped it all into one thing (OkCupid), and depending how you answer that when you don't have kids it sounds creepy, man. But what's weird is it only lists this as "Offspring" on main profile *shrugs*
I don't think it matters so much on the profile, it matters if they tell you the truth when you ask them, or how open they are about it.
nick007
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Your attitude about wanting to mention AS sounds like mine Brianruns when I used OKC & other dating sites. I didn't just put that I had Aspergers thou; I mentioned some of the characteristics of it but I didn't make it sound negative. Example I said something like I have Aspergers so I am very direct & straightforward & have problems understanding subtle hints & things like hard-to-get. I also mentioned being introverted. 've seen lots of women mention in their profiles that they hate players & guys playing games with them so I figured mentioning those AS related characteristics might would be appealing to those women & the women who would take the time to communicate with me after reading that get an idea that communication with me would be a little different than a typical person. I've had LOTs of misunderstandings & I felt mentioning that I'm direct & stuff could help a little.
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OliveOilMom
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If none of them are into you then it won't be the end of the world. At least you gave it a shot.
Honestly, I think you should do what I did. When I was 21 I had dated a lot of guys, been married and divorced and dated some more looking for Mr Right. ' He just wasn't around, and I was sick of really liking a guy and hoping he was the one only to find out he wasn't Mr Right he was only Mr Right Now. I finally said forget it. I don't want a relationship, I want to play the field and just have a good time and I won't worry about falling in love again. Within a few months after deciding that I met my husband. I know quite a few people who met somebody not too long ater they decided to stop looking.
You give off a vibe when you are desperately looking for someone or something and it's not attractive. There's really no way to change that without changing your goal. I understannd being bitter and pissed off etc because you haven't had a relationship and I understand that the longer you go without one, the more anxious you are going to get. Maybe you should work on figuring out why you havven't had a relationship yet. I don't mean that mean or anything like that. Sometimes you (the generic you) can come across wrong when you mean well. This could send the wrong signals to girls and hurt your chances.
I don't know you except from a few posts here, but I can't help but wonder if your bitterness and anger and overeagerness comes across to dates. If thats coming across to them, you really need to find a way to keep it from doing that because it makes you present as creepy even if you are a genuinely nice guy. Is there someone you know in "real life" who can help you figure out whats wrong with how you are coming across? I'm not saying that there is something wrong with you. I'm sure you are a nice guy and may be great to be in a relationship with. However, at 28 and never had a relationship, I'm thinking that you may be doing something inadverdantly (sp?) to give grls the wrong idea. You need to find a way to figure out what that is. A friend who can be honest with you who knows you face to face can be a big help with that. I'd also suggest seeing a counselor of some sort just to talk about the frustration and anger because if you don't get it out and talk to somebody about it, it will keep coming out at possibly wrong times (like those apology letters you are talking about)..
I really think doing those things could help you, and I do wish you well even though I probably sound harsh at times. I'm just telling you the way I see it, and I remember needing people to be brutally honest and blunt with me before so that I could learn to fix the things I was doing wrong.
I do wish you luck and I really urge you to see a counselor because I think s/he could help you with this.
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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.
The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com
OliveOilMom
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Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,447
Location: About 50 miles past the middle of nowhere
I agree with everything else you wrote, but this part I'm not so sure... It's true that you don't have to tell the person everything before you even meet them. However, whether or not someone has kids is a yes/no response field on almost every dating site I've seen. If someone leaves that field blank, that's a red flag, and you should ask her about it before you meet IRL.
Now, if someone outright LIES on that field, saying she has no kids when in fact she does, then she is a liar and you're better off without her. This happened to me once. Soon as I found out, the very next words out of my mouth were "check, please."
Yeah I didn't think about dating sites. I got married before the internet was even around so I've never used one and missed out on those. I think I would have loved dating sites, I really do! I do remember that when guys found out I was divorced, the first thing they asked was "Do you have kids?" and I remember how hard my friend with kids had it when it came to meeting guys. Guys used to all think that a girl with kids was only looking for a dad for her kids.
_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.
The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com
I met my husband from not looking. I was out meeting guys based on a fetish so we can hang out and do that kink and then I met my husband that way. I had also stopped looking after my second failed relationship. I decided to not have one for a while and I was scared to think I may be one of those aspies who can't have a relationship because they are too hard and stressful.
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