Out in the cold

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Hi Friends,
I’m looking for advice on my current dating situation from this community. I’ve been seeing an AS guy for about 6 months now and have really enjoyed him a lot. He is sweet, funny, extremely talented, very sexy, and we get along great! I had known him for years, had the same group of friends from another town that we used to both live in. When I first met him years ago, we hung out a little bit, but never dated, and have since kept in contact. Years later he moved to the state that I’m living in, and we reconnected. Everything about getting to know him again was easy, and we were instantly magnetized. I am very into his special interests, not just because he likes these activities. I’ve actually been into them for years and am actively working on improving myself in both of these activities. He lives a few hours away which is a challenge. But he has made an effort to come visit me for a few days every couple of weeks. I have gone to visit him as well, but recently my car broke down and I’m unable to afford another one at the moment. Incidentally, I’m a completely self-supported woman, educated, employed and I look after myself.
So, recently a couple of things happened that may have changed the trajectory of our relationship. First of all, in a moment of weakness one night I called him up. I was afraid of losing my job and wondering where our relationship was going and in general in a mild state of anxiety and depression. I broke down over the phone and started crying. He basically told me that I needed to compose myself and that he would talk to me later, and hung up on me. This was a while ago, and I felt guilty about being so weak afterwards and told him I was sorry for burdening him. Unfortunately this incident has not just ‘gone away’, and he has kept bringing it up.
After this he tried to break up with me, saying that he was afraid he would hurt me. We had been dating for several months and I felt EXTREMELY connected to him. But, he had never said verbally that he even ‘liked’ me, I just thought I could feel it, and see it. Every time he sees me again he smile so grandly and sweetly, it’s irresistible. Anyway, he came to visit a few weeks ago and tried to break up with me. I assumed it meant that he didn’t like me at all, that I had just fabricated it all. Eventually he said that he really liked me a lot, that he had had a crush on me back when we knew each other years ago, and he “still really, really, really liked me a lot”. So I suggested that we just take it slow, and not put too much pressure on the situation. I would really hate to lose him now as I’ve become very attached to him.
Anyway the last time that he visited, we had a wonderful time. We spent a lot of time doing his special interest, and he was much more verbal about his feelings. He told me “you are special to me…you are a beautiful woman and you also really love ‘____’ (his special interest), which is wonderful”. (trying to be somewhat anonymous in this, but I fear that I’ve already given up enough specificity to be detected, were he to see this. If so, I’m really sorry, and don’t want to talk about you behind your back, I’m just totally confused and depressed and can’t guess what is going on). The last night he was here he told me that he intended to come back the next weekend, and he couldn’t wait.
Then for the next several days I didn’t hear from him. I finally texted him, and he told me that he had been sick. I said ok, let me know if I can help. Then several more days passed with no word. I finally called him, and he told me briefly that it was just getting too expensive to come visit me. I said OK, you can still text me and call me. He said OK, but it’s been several more days, and I’ve gotten almost no communication at all. Please help me understand. Is he over me? I’m trying to give him his space, but I’m feeling extremely out in the cold – zero contact. How is this possible after we were so close. I’m starting to get really depressed, and also feeling like I’m not important to him at all. Does anyone have any advice?

Based on my own experience (NTF/ASM), I would say: he is not "over" you. You are important to him. Nonetheless, in tough times, you're on your own. He is afraid he will hurt you - but the fear that causes him to avoid you, is exactly what hurts you. I have experienced it, but I have no idea what, if anything, can be done about it.

Thanks for the kind words. If you have been there, how do you know that they are still thinking of you, if you stop hearing from them? I'm not asking for much, just a text or a call every now and then. I still need to feel psychologically supported in certan ways, and I don't think that need is gonna go away. It also bothers me that I know he desires the closeness he feels by having a very good friend, and how sad he gets when he loses a close friend. We have become extremely close. So much so that he calls when he is distraught over difficult situations. Does he not care if I slip away? The distance feels insurmountable today. I was doing great all week, but now I'm crashing big - time. Downward spiral...

Hi Lene,
Wow! I thought I was being understanding and accepting of someone who is different than me. But you're kind of saying I'm just getting 'played', so to speak, right. That's disheartening, as I had come to believe that player type behavior is not the norm for guys like him.

I thought the difficulty with my emotional phone call was part of how ppl w/ AS think, ie: avoidance of emotionally charged situations. But it sounds from your post like you're suggesting that I'm deluding myself into thinking that there is any positive direction at all.

I'm vacillating somewhat, cause I don't wanna break it off just because he has AS. Because even though some of the characteristics are challenging, he has many very positive qualities as well.

Perhaps it's not even my choice anyway. Maybe he's saying he is done by saying nothing at all. In which case, the introspection is mute, and i should just try to find a way to get over him.

I just really can't imagine a world where you could become THAT close to someone, and then it becomes nothing within the blink of an eye.

If he's finished, i'd really like to know what I did to chase him off!?!

I wouldn't say Lene means your bf was playing you, just that there is a lot of giving on your part and a lot of taking on his. It isn't all his fault (might well not realise this is what is happening), but part of a relationship is understanding each other's needs. If you are completely understanding and unconditional and his understanding is limited and you don't mind, that's ok, lots of respect to you but before you look at mending this bear in mind this is how things might be for a long time, if not period. Also think about what your needs are, and if he was meeting them or if you think he can meet them later on.

Hi Dogs, Nathan and Wolfheart,

Wanted to let you know that i intended to respond to your comments earlier, but I got extremely busy at work. Which can be a good thing as it makes it a lot harder to fixate on relationship issue. It doesn't really help my additude, though, to be very busy, yet lonely and unhappy simultaneously.

All of you commented with advice for me to be cautious with this guy. I have been thinking about what you've said, such as, this could be a permanent pattern of behavior. And, he may never be emotionally supportive of me.

To give you an update, i finally heard from him, but his message was not extremely hopeful. I suppose my next move is to wait until i see him face-to-face, and let him know that i want more communication. Or that he should let me know if my interpretation of our relationship is different than his. Then hopefully we can sort it out together and if he's done at least i'll know and be able to move on.

Thanks again for sharing your insight. I appreciate hearing advice from people who really may know what he's thinking.