NT breaks off the wedding and goes "on a break"

Post Reply New Topic

Hi everyone,

I just found this forum today. As I am typing this message, I am sitting in a Travel lodge hotel (in the UK). I have a bit of a story for you guys, but I promise it is a good one. So let me start...

Me and my fiancee got engaged 2 years ago, on a romantic picnic in France. We had been together for 8 years at that point. Over the last year we had been organising the wedding in France (she is half French and an NT). As those of you that have organised a wedding will surely know, it can be a very stressful time, trying to organise 100s of things, and family wanting this and that at your wedding, and why don't you invite your second-cousin-once removed-lalalala to the wedding! Anyway, two/three months ago my fiancee decides that she is thinking about cancelling the wedding, and 1 month ago we had to inform everyone that we were actually going to cancel the wedding! And now 2 weeks ago she says she wants to go on "a break" (but did not actually like using that exact phrase)! And so I am now sitting here in a hotel, on "a break". Not much fun, especially as I have several exams to pass in 2 weeks time too! (I have noticed I am using the "shift-1" key combo a lot here ;o) ).

The thing is I love my girlfriend to bits, and may be she loves me too. I have always tried to be a good boyfriend (I use girlfriend and fiancee interchangeably), but after going home to talk to her a few days ago for an hour, it seems that I have been a sh***y one. I have done well in the areas of romance (except maybe pestering for sex, but I think any guy will do this), flowers and gifts at home, but I have (un-noticed by me) been staying at home at lot and not doing anything new or going on holidays. Apparently my GF has been telling me this for some time, but I have not listened. Now my Gfriend is an NT, and was stuck at home as a child a lot, so now understandably wants to travel and do new things. After some "self-psychiatric therapy", I have discovered that I have neophobia, autophobia, as well as Asperger's (none actually formally diagnosed). I have known about alexithyma for some time. (If you have not guessed, I am studying medicine). So neophobia, for phobias of new places, people and ideas, autophobia, for being upset when my girlfriend leaves me at home (though this might be related to some traumatic incident in my past, more than being an aspie) and alexithyma for difficulties with understanding my own emotions. Asperger's,... well you all know about that one ;o)

So what to do? I am trying to get myself some CBT through counselling for the phobias I have (the neophobia is annoying the most, as I, intellectually speaking, love trying out new things, trying to understand how they work, are made, etc), as well as trying breathing exercises for the stress and slowly doing the things that scare me. I am also trying to keep in contact with my GF, and tell her that I finally hear what she is saying, and this break has been an eye opener, and I need to fix my phobias (for both her and me)

All input for this problem would be fantastic

Irishcream

I am so sorry to hear about your situation.

And I cannot tell you anything that will help make sure it does work out. I can only tell you that I've seen these things go both ways, and ... I just don't know what to tell you.

You are describing lifestyle differences that do put strain on a relationship, and are worth factoring in when considering marriage. If she doesn't enjoy doing social activities by herself, she would eventually resent it. I, personally, don't expect to do everything with my husband, never have, so it just isn't an issue for us ... but for some women it really is important. It sounds like she is telling you that to her, it is important. HOW important, I still can't say.

I think using CBT to make some small changes is a great thing, it will be useful to most future relationships, but I don't think you can use CBT to turn you into another person, and I can't tell from your description just how big the gulf in lifestyle preference is. You aren't likely to become the guy on the street who has people in and out the door constantly and who goes to a social event every weekend, plus dinner with friends mid-week, even after having kids. I have friends who live like that, but it could never be me. Still, I do enjoy attending something large and social every few months ... which is still more than my husband likes, but not so much more that it bothers me when he chooses not to come.

You do need to figure out what kind of lifestyle you are capable of maintaining simply to make a spouse happy, and what you are going to need in the way of alone time to stay happy and centered yourself. If you and your love can find enough overlap there, great. But sometimes love isn't enough to make linking your lives actually work, and you need to be ready for that. It is so sad when that is what breaks a couple up, but it isn't uncommon.

Oh, how awful! I'm very sad to hear that, and have no suggestions either, although it's a good thing this happened before the wedding and not after.

thing is I actually want to have friends and g on holidays, I am just scared of it. Well, I think it is time I do something about it, as these phobias are not only effecting my relationship, but also my own experiences in life.

I'm sending positive energy your way, in hopes that you will be successful in this. No one can make it happen but you, and making changes to be your better self is a good thing, so best of luck!

Many many thanks DW_a_mom, I really need positive energy from all directions at the moment, it is hard work this self-improving ;o)