Breaking the "She's taken" mentality

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In my own experience, I've noticed that most girls, regardless of how I feel about them, do indeed have boyfriends. Also, most girls seem to have several relationships as adults before getting married, which means at some point between said relationships they are single. Further, some people couple up within a very short time of meeting - maybe only three months. There are two obvious solutions to this dilemma: a) wait until the girl you like becomes single before making a move, and b) go in with the attitude of "She's taken - no point in asking." It seems that a lot of people on these boards (myself included) take the second approach, even though neither option is productive. There has to be a better way to go about it, so rather than moan I thought it would be useful to have a thread addressing practical workarounds for this mentality. Does anyone have any ideas?

Get close while taken, so that you're the first person they go to when they break up. The other solution is to cheat, but that's not much of a solution...

neither of those are good solutions, likely if she does end up breaking up then youll be her friend which will ruin the chances at it. The cheating you got right though.


Honestly, just go after them anyways. If they are taken theyll let you know.

I certainly know how that feels where virtually all the women I've liked have been taken. To me it's frustrating because it seems like no matter what girl I meet, she's either taken or has a kid already and that just kills it for me. I feel if I was to think about a taken girl romantically, it would be wrong because I know that in reality she's with another man and not me. The thing about waiting out relationships is it could take many years for some. It could even go further where the women is living with her boyfriend which makes the chances of ever dating her that much more difficult, especially if she relies on him for financial support.

The best way I've been able to handle this for the future is to at least get to know the girls I've liked, regardless of if they are taken. I have some of them as friends and I'll at least try to keep an eye out on their progress and try to be diligent. If their relationships ends and it was long term one, I cannot be too eager try to jump into a relationship with them. But at the same time if it was a short term one, I cannot wait too long or else someone else will beat me to her. The best way to remedy this problem is by meeting as much women as possible because that increases the odds but of course for people like us, that's not so easy.

I've learned this by missing out on one women who was everything I ever possibly wanted but did not act on in time so I was too late. I always liked and got along with her really well with. She was the one women I was able to open up to and I feel she still sees me as a person she can trust and respect. But I was never seen as a possibly by her, dating wise. It was either because I did not make it apparent to her I really did like her that way or she did not even think I was a possible consideration because of my young age. Because I did not go the extra mile, another man she became friends with was aggressive trying to get her and he did and low and behold they are living together now. I know the reason she is with this man is because he was the one who asked her, I didn't and now she feels she has to stay with him because she has no choice, she can either live with him and have a home or have to find another place to live if they break up. In the back if my mind, I feel like she's settled.

Yeah getting to know them well whilst they're in a relationship usually means when/if they split up you're more likely to be confided in as a friend but cheating is never good...

If you go into a relationship with either sides cheating, it'll always loom over your head during said relationship. If she will cheat on someone else whats to stop her cheating on you ?? Paranoia is the quickest relationship killer....

Then there's the fact she might just not be interested in you, people seem to think because they're friends with a girl means guaranteed relationship/ nookie :S

Best way to go about it IMO is to be there for her and if the current relationship does go sour, let her confide and sort her head out. And if it's meant to be it's meant to be.

I don't know many girls especially as they get more mature that go from one relationship to the next within days, most like to time to re evaluate what they're doing in life and such and clear their heads . And never be the rebound dude ! ! Some girls like screwing guys because they find it cures the problem, any relationship that comes from being a rebound it's doomed from the start.

Thats how I've done it anyway and it's worked for the past 10 years

I pretty much assume any girl I'd be interested in would already be taken, but it doesn't stop me from talking to them.

the whole getting close to them while they are with some one else is a horrible idea btw. It won't work. Only do this if you want to be friends with her and nothing else.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.


If she is willing to cheat on you with her current bf, then even if she breaks up with him and gets with you, she is highly likely to do the same damn thing to you that she did to him. Why don't you go after single women instead.

I've noticed that the girls who shouldn't be in a relationship right after one end up in another in a matter of a couple of days. Same with boys though so it's balanced.
Girls that actually take time to heal can have better success with the next person.

The OP thinks all the women he talks to are not single. Hence he can't get his mindset to think that without asking, he can't make the assumption.

It can be good to be "on the horizon" but if you get too buddy buddy when she's in a relationship it seems like you're genuinely interested in friendship. If that's not the case, and you don't want to be just friends, don't be just friends. It's unfair to you because you're going to feel like you've wasted time/effort and it's unfair to her because what she thinks is genuine friendship is a ploy for affection.
Being friendly and fun to be around is good, being a friend and always around, probably isn't going to get you what you want.
That said, there isn't really a perfect strategy or guaranteed method to getting a girlfriend / getting a girl to like you.
Sometimes you do everything 'right' and come up empty.
And sometimes when you're not even trying it just comes to you.

I've always had more girl friends then guy friends. So I was good friends with most my ex's before we started dating. Not sure where this whole "Don't be friends if you want to date" stuff comes from, maybe i'm just lucky



This makes no sense to me either, I went and know several people who went through a stage of cheating to "fit in" because being a teenage guy sucks, I wouldn't dream about it now tho and it frustrates the hell out of me when my adult friends do it. You,shouldn't judge people on mistakes they've made in the past especially when it comes to relationships, you should like someone for now not then.

I think falling for / dating friends is quite common and it's not a bad thing to get into a relationship with a friend at all. Friends are people you like and get along with, that's a good feature in a partner.
But making an effort to befriend someone for the sole purpose of convincing them to date you somewhere down the line isn't a particularly effective or nice strategy.

Agreed, I just get on with girls better then guys. When it comes to relationships im very much if it happen it happens.
I never go looking for it, just makes you seem desperate IMO

I'm with rabbitss and DogsWithoutHorses on this one. Just talk to girls you like talking to, and if they are taken it will at least make the rejection easier. Never befriend a girl just hoping you will get an opportunity to date her though. Naturally falling in love with them? That's something you can't help, but going in from day 1 with ulterior motives is something you can help.

There are some exceptions to that rule, but it isn't a bad rule of thumb. You've got to ask yourself if such a person is really trustworthy. I can think of a few exceptional circumstances but .... you've really got to think about this one and consider the situation carefully. I wouldn't be with anyone I couldn't trust.

And of course, my advice would be the same for women.

That's not what I said, PastFixations. I said in my experience most women do already have boyfriends, so it's easier to assume it's true than put my pride on the line and ask them out which, as I also said, is obviously not a productive attitude. My usual approach is get to know them as friends first, then worry about dates, and if she says no, well at least I have a friend at the end of it. Or, I find out by that route that they are taken, so I am forced to be friends (which is, of course, no bad thing at all and I do value women's friendship a lot). It's just that when it comes to the actual asking out, I know in my head that nine times out of ten they'll be taken, so mentally the attempt seems futile.

AspieRogue: because I can't control who I get crushes on. If I could, then that would be the solution I'd take. Maybe the way out is simply for us to drop the attitude and do it anyway.