What does this mean?

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My undx'ed ASpie bf and I split earlier this year for about 6 weeks. It was incredibly tough for both of us.

A couple of weeks ago, we ran into each other and instantly fell into each other's arms. It was a highly emotional reunion with him gathering me into his arms, clasping my hand to his heart, and pressing his forehead into mine in between kisses. This went on with us silently holding each other, for a full 40 minutes - in a very public place. It was not lust energy-- more like intense missing each other and relief at being close again.

We went out twice since then. On one date, he mentioned how serious his dad's health problems are. From a couple of things he said, I can tell that there is a real fear in there that his dad may die within the year.

So, last night, we had out 3rd post-reunion date. He came over, ate dinner, and watched a movie with me. We talked and snuggled. Suddenly, he pulled back and said, " I cant be in a relationship right now. I'm too worried about my dad. Plus my work situation is stressing me out more than I realized [he works with the public, in a bar- constant drunks arguing with him, etc]."

He went on to say, " I'm stressed out and anxious. I go to bed and my thoughts are still racing."

And then he said several times, "I just can't seem to blow things off the way I used to. Little things just irritate me lately."

I told him that I totally understood. That I'm incredibly sad, but not mad at him, or even disappointed because I realize he needs time alone to decompress and he has a lot to deal with right now. I asked if we were breaking up, if he wanted me to wait for him, etc.

He said he doesn't have an answer. Then he surprised me by saying, " I can't go back into a relationship where we're spending 3-4 nights together. I just can't. But I don't want to go months without seeing you. (he said that three more times) Ideally, we could just hang out together during the day and focus on a friendship aspect of things for now."

I know he can't handle big emotional displays since I learned about his likely AS. So, I kept it calm, and he held me for a solid 45 minutes, really tight, pressing me to his chest.

Then he said he had to leave. I told him I was sad because I don't want it to be over. He looked me in the eyes and said, "it's *not* over."

Then he asked me if I would have lunch with him next week, and wanted to know my schedule.
I stayed calm, told him my off days.

And then when he was leaving, I couldn't help it- he was hugging me and when he gave me a kiss, I just whispered, " I know why you need to be alone now--- just come back to me"

He kissed me again and said "I will"

Then he walked out. For some reason, I just ran down to his car and he kissed me several times again, and then said, "I'll see you next week."

I'm so confused. I'm so sad. I feel as though we have such a strong connection to each other in a way. When I told him I understood, I could feel his body relax. I'm trying to make it feel emotionally safe for him to be with me by meeting his needs with understanding and space. And I *get* (at least intellectually) that maybe the family stuff and work stress is just eating up all his bandwidth/energy.

But if he can't be in a relationship with me, why is he wanting to "hang out in the day"? Why not just cut it off?

I asked him if this was a break or not, and he just kept saying he doesn't have any answers. Am I a fool for holding on? We can't seem to let go of each other--- or is that just wishful thinking on my part?

With the amazingly heartfelt reunion, I did not think this would happen. I'm at a loss. Any input appreciated. What should I do?

It means he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants a relationship with you, but only if it can be entirely on his own terms. Nothing you do, no space you can create will change that for him.

I advise you to look to your own needs and see if they mesh well with his. It sounds like they do not.

He sounds incapable of compromise right now. Perhaps forever. This is an abyss some Aspies fall into. Myself, included.

He was likely very happy to see you and has enjoyed his time with you, but now his (emotional) tanks are all topped off again, for a while.

Because he still likes you but has his hands full with a lot of things. If you feel this much for him do whatever it takes for him to get better, and then you guys can reunite more often

Then it's not over. I'd give a LOT, to get so much physical, explicit reassurance from my Aspie, while he works out his issues.

It sounds like you love him too much to give up, move on, blah blah. Ignore the naysayers if he's the one in your heart. He's given you plenty of hope and you have lots to feel good about. So stay busy with your own life, goals, career, etc. And be honest with yourself, so you can be honest with him. Can you really handle it, being limited to just a lunch-daytime-friend arrangement? Or will it be distracting and disruptive? Sure, he needs support right now, but so do you. The best way to take care of him, is to take care of yourself. Think hard about your needs and your limitations, and decide what's best for you.

I used to jump at every chance to see my Aspie. By now, I am exasperated with the lunches and randomness and the yes-no-yes-no drama. (I thought us NTs were supposed to be the irrational ones?) I love to spend time with him, but I can't take the "just friends" stuff anymore, and the emotional whiplash that follows. I want to make love, and so does he. So the next time he wants to see me, that damn well better be on the agenda!


I don't think so AT ALL. I've been hanging in there f-o-r-f-*-*-*-i-n-g-e-v-e-r with much, much less to go on, so it can be done. Let's just say it is not counted in weeks or months, but years. Sometimes I've wonder if he'd get it together, if I pointed out that he has a little less hair every time I see him!

If he has specific needs and you want to meet them and maintain that connection that's all well and good but..
Please don't forget your own needs and what you want out of a relationship.
There needs to be more than one sided compromise.

Quite honestly I feel that brushing up on some body language is in order. Sounds like a lot of work but it's done me good on occasion, also to be quite frank there is a possibility that he simply doesn't know what he does want. Nobody likes hearing that sentence it always tends to pop up behind couples, friends, etc. And if he truly can't find it in him to take it to the next level I say just stick with being friends and move on. Not exactly the best '"happy ending." but life is nothing more but a mix bag of junk.

What does it mean? I don't think autism has much if anything to do with this situation. NT men pull this, too. It's called a booty call or friends with benefits. He wants a relationship that is totally one sided where he drops in when he feels like it, and no more often than that; where you console him with sex or companionship when he needs it, but no more often than that; in which you never can demand or ask anything from him in return.

That isn't a relationship.

Tell him you will see him when his turmoil is over. Meanwhile, either date other guys or stay alone with yourself, but don't put up with being a doormat.

You can take that advice or not but that's what is going on.