Anyone in an AS/NT relationship? Could use some help.

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Figured this might be the best place to post this.

My boyfriend's NT and it's likely I've got AS. I think I might be hurting my boyfriend a little. Lately I've been really obsessed with AS and the fact that I probably have it. I've kind of made AS my special interest. That means I think about it all the time and since I tend to verbalize my thoughts I talk a lot about it. I think my boyfriend's a bit tired of it and I think he might be a bit hurt that I don't pay as much attention to him as I did a while back. I'm also feeling very frustrated and down because I don't know for sure what's "wrong" with me yet. I also have days when I really don't want anyone being near me, let alone touching me. I think that might hurt him as well. How do I handle this? I just want him to be happy in our relationship and I don't want to be too self-absorbed. It's really hard to explain this. Anyway, have you been in simliar situations? Any advice? I just want this to work.

It's cliche, I know, but honesty really is the best policy. I'm the reverse of you - I'm an NT in a relationship with an undiagnosed Aspie. I'm not sure my man even realizes what the root of his behavioral/social issues is, but he knows that in most settings, he's a square peg in a round hole and VERY few people seem to have the time/interest in getting past that.

Sit your man down and be straight with him, as difficult as it may be. Tell him that you've come to recognize that you may have some specific challenges that you're just now identifying. Tell him that you realize you've been a little focused on the issue, and that focus may have isolated/alienated him. Tell him that you're working to fully identify the issue and are trying to find the best ways to deal with it. Be honest about your occasional need for solitude, and reassure him that it's NOT because of him.* Ask for his patience as you continue on your quest; ask for forgiveness in what has passed already; and ask for his support and understanding, so the two of you can walk this road together toward a successful resolution and a better relationship.

*This was one of the hardest lessons for me - my man absolutely needs his solitude at times, and I'm very much a "whenever time's available, let's spend it together" kind of gal. Once he was able to convince me that it wasn't me he was hiding from, but the world overall, I felt a lot better about it. I still miss being with him, but I know he needs that time to decompress from life and his daily challenges in general.

It was very difficult for my man early on, but he's slowly opened up and relaxed a bit, knowing that I won't judge him and that I'm not about to leave him just because he's an "odd duck." If your man is a good one, he'll appreciate the honesty and will want to walk this journey with you both now and in the future. I wish you the very best.

He already knows about the whole thing. That I probably have AS that is. I can be honest with him which is really nice. He's one of the few people I feel comfortable around. Thing is, I think he sees that I'm going through a tough time and that I'm not as happy as when we first met. I think that makes him sad. I'm pretty sure that it'll get better when I actually gather enough courage to go see a psychologist about AS and everything else. But until then it's like I'm standing still and I'm stuck in the same thoughts all the time. Do you know what I mean? I worry that I'll do something that'll hurt him until then. And I don't want to lose him. Do you understand what I mean? I have a hard time putting this into words. Thanks for the reply by the way.

I do understand, even though I come from the opposite perspective. When my marriage fell apart, I sank into a horrible depression (and nearly took my own life). It was a difficult time for my Aspie man (who was only my best friend at the time), because he couldn't control the situation and he wasn't even entirely sure how to help me through it. It took a while for my needs and his support to truly match up, but once they did, it was golden.

I think you're on the right track and am very glad to hear you're able to communicate openly and honestly with him. My man had a hard time with that at first, which caused more than a few tearful nights. That communication is absolutely key. Please do find a way to summon the courage and take the steps to getting properly diagnosed - I'm not sure it even needs to be a psychologist, since my therapist (who's not a psychologist) has plenty of experience with Aspies (and has helped me tremendously in understanding and interacting with my man better). As for being "stuck" in your thoughts, is there something that you and he enjoy doing together that could provide a diversion when your brain starts spinning in the same spot? A favorite tv show you could watch together? A local lunch spot you could hit? That could serve two purposes, really - distracting you from the continual thoughts, plus reconnecting with your man in a way that's familiar, comfortable and enjoyable to you both.

I think the fact that you're worried you'll do something that will hurt him before you get diagnosed and treated is going to keep you from actually hurting him. You're aware there's an issue and that the potential for hurt is there, so you're hypersensitive to it and thus more cautious. More than anything, I understand your sentiment of not wanting to lose him. As I went through the depression last year, I was terrified my man was going to get fed up with all the drama and cut me loose. I begged him plenty of times not to give up on me. He's a trooper and has stuck by me without hesitation. Since your man knows what's going on and is hanging in there, I'm thinking that as long as the lines of communication stay open between the two of you, you're bound for better days ahead. (By the way, my avatar is the cover of the new Jason Mraz album. The first single off of it, "I Won't Give Up" is a fantastic song - I highly recommend it for you and your man. It's defintely become "our" song...)

Yes, I really should go get properly diagnosed. There are a lot of things I could use some help with. I'm just scared I'll go there and then get misdiagnosed or something.

Anyway, there are things we enjoy doing together yes. Watching certain tv-series for example. The thing is, nowadays I can't even stop thinking about all of this when we watch series. I might not say anything out loud but I think my boyfriend notices that I'm thinking about other things anyway. Yesterday for example he kept asking me "are you okay?" and "what's on your mind?". I didn't tell him what was on my mind at first but then he looked sad so I told him anyway. But I fear I talk too much about AS. I'm always contemplating whether I've got it or not (pretty sure I've got it) and I keep referring to my 7 pages long list of traits etc. It's like you said, "I was terrified my man was going to get fed up with all the drama and cut me loose." That's what I feel. That's what I'm afraid of. And it causes me a great deal of anxiety. Thing is, we have a good relationship and he says I'll never lose him. I know he loves me. I love him too. I just don't want to hurt him. Not sure how coherent this is. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

I spent my entire adult life hemming and hawing about that (really hemming and hawing, before I knew about AS!). Well, my life is a real mess, and only recently have I come to the conclusion that ... it sure can't be any worse than the alternative, so just do it already.

Don't wait 20 years. Trust me. If you really strongly suspect you have AS and you notice it's impacting your life, practical things like employment etc especially, go get help. You may think it's going to get easier, well its not, its going to get much harder if you don't do something.

I'm not worried about misdiagnosis. Maybe AS isn't what my problem is and I'll just have to accept that, provided they seem to be competent and familiar with adult diagnoses. If not I'll keep trying to find someone who is.

Yeah, I think I will. As soon as I figure out a way to tell my parents about it. I'm pretty sure I have AS (not completely sure though) but I'm guessing that even if it turns out I don't have it I'd still get help with the things I find difficult, right? I've definitely got issues. Especially social issues. And anxiety. Not sure I've got issues when it comes to employment. I guess that depends on how you see it. I've got a job but it's hell and I've got anxiety every time I'm going there.

After reading your post I think that discovering something new about yourself, be it diagnosed with something like AS, can be be consuming as you learn to readjust your view of SELF. I'll liken it to being told you are adopted. It explains why you might not have felt like you fit in, but still doesn't tell you who you are, just who you aren't. I'm sure that once you get through that period of adjustment your man will still be there. Whatever the diagnosis, you still are who you were before.
The way I look at it, if he loved you as you were before the whole diagnosis occurred why would it really change how he feels about you? If anything it may help to explain some of your "odd" behavior. I say "odd" not to insult you but to point out you aren't the typical female your boyfriend probably dealt with perviously, and that can work in your favor. He was probably tired of the miscommunication and games between silly NTs anyway (it isn't just AS people that have confusion in dating).
I am NT and for the past year I have been dating a man that hasn't been diagnosed with AS but has most of the signs. He is "odd' and he is aware of it. He has had two failed marriages, therefore adding to his mistrust to the opposite sex, yet he told me I seem to accept him/know him best. Perhaps because I try and keep things simple and direct. I have learned through trial and error that if I want him to do something/not do something I need to let him know directly what I want or need. I can't assume he will do something on his own, even something as simple as preparing my plate for dinner along side his own. Is it inconsiderate, yes, but did he mean to me inconsiderate,no.
Keeping such things in mind I can excuse some of his odd behavior or lack of manners because I generally know where I stand with him. We have a very honest relationship. I know he loves me, not by some actions (that is a NT thing) but because when he says it, I know that it is the truth.

Yes, you're right. I mean, just because I probably have AS (and if it's not AS it's definitely something else) it's not like I'm going to change. It's part of who I am and he knows that. He has told me that he loves me no matter what. No matter the diagnosis. That's really nice and I love him for that. I'm sure I'm way more worried than I should be. I'm just worried he'll get sick of the drama that is my life and leave. But then again, I worry about most things. I think the main reason I'm worried is because I've had boyfriends who have broken up with me because of my "AS traits" before.