Not sure what to do at this point

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I am not sure what to do at this point in my life as far as dating goes. I've tried dating sites, I've tried going to a couple of church groups (Boy, was that a waste of time), and I've recently attempted speed dating. These things were all unproductive. I did have a short lived relationship with someone who used to be part of the support group I've been involved with close to ten years now but nothing else like that has ever happened again. I've been banging my head against a wall lately since it feels like I've exhausted all options. Is there something that hasn't crossed my mind or am I truly out of options?

How long did you try dating sites? I found that method helpful since it can be hard to go out and interact with people I don't know in person...but it took me quite a while of leaving my profile up before I found someone I really bonded with. I met a few guys who things did not work out with and a couple did seem to sort of lead me on but such is the risk of pursuing a relationship. Basically curious as to wether you've had a profile for a year or two and not a single messege or response to any you've sent....or if it just hasn't worked yet, like you haven't met anyone you like on there yet?

Are there any kinds of groups that meet for any activity or hobby you enjoy in your area? That could maybe be a way to meet people...or if there are places with people you like to go, try and go regularly and try and seem approachable and people may come to you.

I tried the dating sites for most of the summer of '09 and maybe a month or two after. There weren't many girls in my area on the ones I tried (eHarmony, Match, and POF) and the few that caught my interest never replied back to me. I even tried a fling site out of desperation and I wasted some money doing so. Needless to say, I trashed all my accounts. It was such an exasperating experience that I have been reluctant to try it again. The depression was also really kicking in that summer due to an unrequited love spell with a sister of a support group member and struggles with college.

The city I live in is very shallow in terms of social life. Despite being in the Bible Belt, most of the hang outs are crappy bars (A good number of them are dive bars) since most of the people here think they can drink and smoke all they want and God will forgive them but you better not be a non-Christian if you do so or you are going straight to Hell. The people who go into them either already have company or they just want to watch a sports game. They just think "Who's that guy over there?" when they see me (Based on my experiences) Other than the bars, there are churches but I've been to quite a few of them (my parents made me go but fortunately they quit when the depression overwhelmed me) so I know the mentalities of the people who go to them so I would never fit in.
The three main cultures of my area would be:

1) Ultra religious people who think atheism is the same as Satanism and Hinduism is the same as Islam. They still think rock music is from the devil and wonder why the rest of the world can't stand their obnoxious religious beliefs.
2) Rednecks who think country music is God's gift to man and everything else, especially heavy metal, is "devul's moosic".
3) Hip hoppers who love the ghetto, hanging out at the mall, and think heavy metal sucks. They especially didn't like me for my music tastes.

Since I don't fit in with all three of these cultures, I am pretty isolated. No wonder why we aspies feel like aliens. The funny thing is that all three of those cultures have more in common than they'll ever admit despite how they all hate each other.

Deleted my old post since something new came up.

I went to a relatively new bar that is about a twenty or so minute drive from where I live called the Bit Bar. It gets its name partly from how it doubles as an arcade as well as having some video game consoles. I actually had a good time there but I do wonder about something. One of the bar tenders was a cute looking geeky girl and while I did talk with her, I didn't pluck up the courage to ask her for her phone number. I don't know if she already has a boyfriend since most pretty girls usually are hooked up and it also fears weird asking a stranger for their phone number.

When is it generally ok to ask someone for their cell phone number? I asked once to a complete stranger and was turned down.

You won't know if she has a boyfriend unless you ask or she brings it up. Bartenders are one of the most frequently asked jobs that people ask for their number.

I guess the first thing to consider would be where you fall in terms of your dating value. What can you bring to a relationship? Do you have a stable job? Do you have strong moral values? Are you intelligent? Are you physically attractive? Are you interesting? Can you keep a conversation going? Are you physically fit? Are you funny? From my observations, most girls seem to be most interested in (subjectively) physically attractive guys with a stable income, and similar values.

You'll also be wanting to know what your criteria is for a potential mate. I'm sure you would have thought about this to some extent already.

You would probably know this too, but you can only set the bar as high as you can jump. That's why I think it's quite important to look at what you want vs what you can offer, to see how much correlation there is there.

Online dating is tough, because you're generally competing against so many more men than you would in a real-world setting, especially if the girl in question is conventionally attractive. You have to be one of the top bachelors vying for her affection to be considered, and obviously the more sought-after she is, the better you will need to be to top most of her pursuers. As a guy, if you want any success on dating sites, you'd better be willing to take initiative and message girls, because girls rarely message guys first, but they often get inundated with messages, so they don't really need to.

If most of the people in your surrounds hold different core values, you're going to have a difficult time finding someone who's compatible with you. If more compatible demographics are so scarce, have you considered moving elsewhere, to a place with more like-minded people?

And for ones who's bar would be so low there'd be no women?

Your post make men sound like,nothing more then cattle or objects

Which sadly is probably all men are

If you have nothing to offer a woman, why would a woman choose to be with you over a guy who does have qualities to offer?

If you don't feel like you have enough to offer a woman, work on getting to a point where you do have something to offer. If you're not even going to try to make yourself appealing to women, why would you expect women to be interested in you?

I sometimes feel like I need to move because it feels like there is nothing for me here but I am lacking in finances as well as self-esteem.

That's just it - you live in the bible belt and every man woman and child there loves fishing, guns, church, binge drinking, big trucks, drugs, alcohol, violence, being xeno/homophobic and sexist on purpose, valuing being un/under-educated and un/underemployed, etc.

I'm assuming your crowd is more like geeky/progressive/liberal types.

Why should you spend what might take a decade to meet the 1% of women in your area that are actually your type when in New York City (or some other nearby bigger progressive non-bible belt city) you seem them every. single. day. anytime, anywhere.

Ignore people who make the suggestion of 'making the best' of your situation.

Some situations are just lost causes, or certainly the closest thing to a lost cause.

Does a man living in Afghanistan who's village is robbed and attacked every night, the women and children raped and kidnapped daily 'make the best' of his situation? No, he gets he and his family the f*ck outta there!

What this tells me is I should not go a church to pick up girls.

It's a shame you don't live down here. There are a lot of girls down here who like metal. I just got out of a relationship with a girl who liked metal.

I think I know how you feel because for a few years I went through a classical music phase and there are hardly any girls here who like classical music.Woah, if only they had that down here but I live in a real backwater city.Dude, don't you know you can hit on any lone girl in the bar except the bartender? It's taboo.Sly, it's a two way street. Just as you surely have standards for girls so to do girls have standards for guys. Think of it, would you date a girl who's too fat or too short? So why shouldn't girls have their own criteria?

If you don't like being screened like that than you should ask out girls in meatspace. That way instead of screening you by height, wealth and age she can get to know you organically before you ask her out. Here's a video to explain it.



One word Outrider, Employment. People don't want to relocate if it means losing their job. If an Afghan's village is robbed and attacked, his place of employment has probably been robbed and attacked out of business but if one lives in a peaceful society it means that one's place of employment is still going.

Yeah, things such as your job and owning a house can be the ultimate roots that keep you in one place.

Of course some jobs can still be committed to despite traveling/being on the road constantly and there's seasonal work, but it's more unreliable and riskier.

I do wish we lived in a world where jobs that are flexible enough to allow a bit of travel were more available.

All these people who give the over-used advice of 'travel!' are usually just young rich uni students.

You rarely see older adults do such traveling as because of their responsibilities, they usually can't.

It's only when they reach retirement age, have bought a nice caravan, own a home (and rent it out to others) and otherwise have a nice retirement fund and pension saved up before you can do such a thing.

Quite a restrictive lifestyle to live, really - you can't travel while young and healthy because you're studying at university and living in a sh*tty apartment on 2-minute noodles owning a bombed-up second hand car that would break-down from long-distance travel, by the time you graduate you fall into massive debt and need to work to repay that debt, by the time the debt's repaid you've then got to actually save for travel, but by then you have a family that relies on you and of course you'll have to bring them with you making vacations a 'once a year' thing. When you finally can travel, you may be older, wiser, more knowledgable and less likely to get into trouble, but you're also not as healthy anymore and too much time on the road and too little time checking up on your health with the doctor and such is a bad idea as your body can't handle all the traveling too much.

Travel or just spontaneous moving is truly for the wealthy.

OP doesn't like where he lives and wants to leave, so he's certainly got to find a way to leave if he wants to while still surviving.

At the moment my step-dad is on a flexible contract. We're moving soon but he'll still be coming back to town fortnightly to stay a week each time before coming back home.

It's costly (fuel), but he'll do it for the extra cash until he can find a job in the new city. He's made it work, OP can too, especially if OP chooses to move not too far away.

I remember another user who just couldn't live in a bigger city due to anxiety/the noisier and faster-paced lifestyle.

""What this tells me is I should not go a church to pick up girls."

Overall I have heard it's a bad idea. Even youth groups or bible study groups aren't good either because they place too much emphasis on the religion.

I don't want to fake being of a certain religion just to meet new people - from the very beginning it's being dishonest with people (which is something I don't feel comfortable with).

"Woah, if only they had that down here but I live in a real backwater city."

What's so bad about Adelaide? At the most I've heard it's 'boring' and more of a quiet city. Basically the essentials a city contains and nothing unique or distinguishing about it. Generic, perhaps?

"Dude, don't you know you can hit on any lone girl in the bar except the bartender? It's taboo."

Yep, it's pretty common knowledge, though it's understandable some aspies may not recognize this. Some female bartenders are overly-friendly or flirt on purpose so the customer buys more. "You've just been dumped? Oh, I'm so sorry. Here, why not sit down and have a drink and tell me about it?"

"Sly, it's a two way street. Just as you surely have standards for girls so to do girls have standards for guys. Think of it, would you date a girl who's too fat or too short? So why shouldn't girls have their own criteria?"

Hehe, sorry RG, but if you've been here long enough to see Sly's post, you should know by now Sly has constantly said he essentially has almost no sort of filters for women. He is not turned off by overweight women and is in fact attracted to many of them, same with short women or women otherwise considered less-than-average.

He mentioned within 8 years talking to every girl in his area on OkCupid and trying with something like 500 women or so and getting rejected by each and every one of them. He even mentioned he didn't just send generic 'Hi, How are you?''s but actually took the time to personalize each and every message but after a few back-and-forth exchanges was given the cold-shoulder.

I've always thought the advice of 'treat others the way you want to be treated' tends to be bullsh*t.

There are some behaviors that may be rude or a55hølish that i wouldn't actually mind others did to me, and I encourage them to do so (e.g. I can be very politically incorrect) but my friends are too morally nice for that.

Just as people are still going to be a55høles to you even if be a nice person, or in Sly's case, if he doesn't care about looks or personality at all, most women he tries to date will.

"If you don't like being screened like that than you should ask out girls in meatspace. That way instead of screening you by height, wealth and age she can get to know you organically before you ask her out. Here's a video to explain it."

I definitely agree online dating has harmed and ruined dating. It seems everyone uses online dating so much nowadays that even if you don't and try to meet women organically, this doesn't work as they DO use online dating, meaning any women you meet in the streets could just reject you and choose one of her 2-12 suitors in a month on Tinder over you.

You first establish comfort with them by asking them other questions about themselves (mainly related to their interests). Things like what got them started in this line of work, whether they plan to continue doing said kind of work or have future plans for other kinds of work or additional work, what kinds of things they want to accomplish in life, topics about school if they bring up being a student, what they think about the community or communities of which they are a part, etc. When time starts to run out, such as you need to head off for your next appointment or something, that is when you can offer to exchange contact-information, something like... : "Hey, was nice talking to you, but it looks like I have to go somewhere now, and if you don't mind, how about we keep in touch with one another? You got a phone-number where I can reach you?"

Also, for the sake of etiquette, keep Business-Cards with you to give out, and if you don't have a reason to make/produce them, then at the very least keep a Note-Pad and Pen with you any time you go anywhere. Let them write down their phone-number(s) and/or e-mail addresses so that you don't both try to scramble around to obtain some piece of paper and a pen.

Another problem I struggle with is feeling like my time has run out. It sometimes feels like there are no single women anymore or atleast ones I could be compatible with. I just have so many fears that took root when the depression I suffer from kicked in.

How old are you? Remember that new women come come of age every year. Men and women exist in equal numbers so while there are single men there must also b single women.