NT chooses AS

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I am an NT and I love an AS.
I have worked in the schools with "unique learners" all over the spectrum and thought I knew the deal. Well, assisting AS kids for 6 hours in a classroom is way different from dealing with an AS man in a relationship.
My challenge is that everything I have read so far has been about NTs married to ASs that have just determined their diagnosis. My Aspie has known since adolescence.
I choose to be with him knowing his Dx - I have not had it thrust upon me...one of the books I’ve read even advised the grief process for a relationship that will never be...QUE? I don't want to mourn anything, I want to embrace and develop our relationship. I just need some guidance that doesn't expect me to let him do whatever he wants and change everything about me. It feels like they are advocating just maintaining a ‘pleasant’ home for him (so as to avoid meltdowns) and getting all of my other needs met by friends and family.
Well, first of all, meltdowns are not a standard part of his behavior. I have only witnessed one in our 11 months together and that was more of a typical 'life with teenagers’ blowup.
Secondly, if all of my social/emotional needs are to be met by others, why would I want/need my Aspie?
There must be a way to strike a balance. I know that I need to limit my expectations but I refuse to discard them entirely. I also know I need to adjust my way of communicating as well. I am working on clear, concise, and concrete. Specifying that I want to do x at y time for z long goes against my ‘girls don’t ask boys’ upbringing (lol) but I am getting better at it.
In return, I have requested that he not make promises that he can’t keep due to his time challenges. i.e.: don’t tell me you are going to call in 45 minutes when you know if you are involved with your special interest, you won’t realize that it has been 3 hours…just skip the telling me and let the call be a pleasant surprise.
So, after all this, what I want to know is: are there other NT’s that CHOSE relationships with their Aspies?

Yep, we've got a bunch on the parenting board. Some of us didn't realize our spouses were AS until a child was diagnosed, but it isn't like we suddenly had something to mourn: we'd long ago adapted to most of our partner's needs, but the new information did help make it all make more sense.

I like my independence, and my husband isn't clingly. He does stress out easily, but since I don't, and since my dad had been like that, it was something I rolled with pretty easily. Like every couple, we simply found our balance, the unique yin and yang that works for us. We both have our glaring weaknesses; it isn't like he is the only one with issues.

We did have a very rough patch in the first two years of our marriage and, like many couples do, we worked throughout it, and even had some professional help. Didn't know he was AS at the time, but we still managed. Yes, it was hard, but few things in life never get difficult. It is all about what you are willing to invest in making things happen for you, how strong the will really is.

I think you look at the unique person in front of you as he is, today, and decide if he can provide what you, as a unique individual, need. Everyone has different needs; you just have to figure out yours. The rest - you adapt.

Someone once told me that there are all kinds of relationships. For example, I'm an AS dating an AS. All relationships are unique in their own way. Treasure what you have. Celebrate your differences.

Yes there are a lot if us here. Keep checking this forum from time to time. It's a popular topic!

There's something that's been bothering me on the NT/AS thing. Not sure if it's your case, but...

Basically, it's the fact that some women choose to ignore the fact that AS is not just a personality trait. So they look at the disabilities, but somehow expect the AS partner to "suck it up", to "compromise".

Unless you're ready to understand that some things won't chance at all, not an inch, you're in for disappointment, IMO.
Pick your battles, because some can't be won.

Some examples:
1) When I can't face people, I CAN'T. I don't care if it's your birthday or your relative's funeral, i can't.

2) No I won't stop researching about whatever picks my interest... and no, I can't spend a whole hour talking about something that does not interest me... just don't have it in me.

Those are not choices, they are the result of a bizarre brain. I can learn some things... I can learn to call once a day and all... but some things just won't happen.

Anyway, wish you luck! Be happy

Mike_Br: I so totally know what you mean! And I recognize that there are gonna be those things that WILL NOT change EVER I get that and I am willing to integrate them into "US". What I don't get is the authors who imply that I have to suck it up on EVERYthing to keep the peace.

We have discussed that there are things that he can do to lessen my anxiety which in turn lessens his anxiety (like the aforementioned 'not making unkeepable committments')

I am just interested in hearing from AS/NTs that have worked it out (Or at least are heading in the right direction) without the NT becoming a total emotional doormat.

I promise, NO ONE would say I've become an emotional doormat. I am the emotional rock, heart, and center of our family - the one who keeps sane and in control when things are at their worst (I break down later, when it is safe).

You can give your guy the space he needs while having clear lines about how much crap comes onto you when he's having a rough time. One rule in our house is that if I say my husband needs to take a walk or go to the club, he takes a walk or goes to the club (or something similar). I can see when everything is going nuts in his head and he needs to have serious, self-calming, alone time least he try to use me as his emotional punching bag. Once I say "I think you could use a walk," he can see it in himself, too. There is never anything that can't wait for a saner or more calm moment. We'll talk it out later.

I'm an NT who has chosen to be in a relationship (of sorts) with an AS man- I knew pretty much from the beginning (it's been around 5 years, though not consistently) that he had Aspergers, although I didn't fully know what it would entail.

While there are some things that I do just kind of have to accept, there is a lot that has developed and improved over time, and there are definitely compromises for BOTH of us, not just me.

For instance, as emotional support goes, I have learned that simply because it is not offered, or because he doesn't pick up the cues that it is needed, doesn't mean that he doesn't care about them. I've adjusted to having to ask for emotional support, and adjusted my expectations of what 'emotional support' entails- by understanding him and his way of thinking better, I can recognise his help and advise and practical suggestion as his way of attempting to support me emotionally, and over time, I have come to appreciate this kind of support, almost more than that which I get from friends and family. It has been a compromise for us both- he will offer 'support' over issues that he may not see as being important, while I have adjusted my perspective as to what 'support' entails.

I think it's a question of working out which attributes of the relationship are most important to you, and whether they are things which he may be able to work towards some kind of compromise on.

For me, the most important aspect of the relationship, is to know that the other person cares, and I guess it's a case of how willing you are to adapt your perception of what constitutes 'caring'.

I definitely DON'T think that you have to do all the compromising at all- I used to feel that way at the beginning of the relationship, because I didn't see all the 'work' that he did behind the scenes to accommodate me and my differences from him, and just how much outside of his comfort zone he was throwing himself out to meet up and do stuff and keep talking to me when I got mad/couldn't understand etc. It didn't FEEL, and sometimes doesn't feel like he's compromising, but I have come to learn that in those instances, for example, where I will say 'I need X' and he'll say 'sorry no can do' and I'll say 'but it's really important' and he still won't bend, that that is MY turn to compromise and accommodate him, as he has been doing consistently over time for me.

That's not to say the relationship is totally working, and it IS difficult, and it DOES sometimes really feel like I'm doing all the work, but when I sit down and think about it, and read stuff on here, or he does something really thoughtful and nice I realise that it really is a 50/50 shift, if not MORE of a compromise on his part.

I think if you see accepting his ways as 'compromising' or giving up on your needs, then you will only get more and more frustrated- I have made much more progress by trying to understand WHY he does/doesn't do those things, and have found that over time, those things become unimportant to me anyway, and in some ways it is VERY liberating, and is part of the reason why I continue to pursue the relationship.

Another point to remember, is that while you compromise some traditional aspects of a relationship, you gain other things that you wouldn't get from a relationship from someone else- for me, the ability to fully relax and not have to make small talk, the ability to let go of some social constructs, the new perspective on things, the practical and logical help and guidance, they're all things that I would miss out on, and don't get from my NT friends and family.

I hope none of that was patronising, since you said you already understand a lot about AS- just passing on my hard-earned perspective on it

.......I want an NT that likes AS so few of them out there I am afraid. I can be very kind and loving aside from my hyperactivity wandering off and dwelling on a subject over and over again not to mention super high libido. I have a big heart too.

I think there are probably more of us out here than you think. Actually I think there are probably some NT's who don't know about AS but would be just fine with an AS/NT relationship. Before I fell in love my AS guy I never thought about dating a guy with AS. I knew about AS but since I wasn't presented with the opportunity to date guy with it, I never thought about it. A lot of the way I feel about AS/NT relationships has to do with my personality. I am patient but persistent. I think it takes that kind of NT and I know there are a lot of us out here. Not to mention NT's with a libido like yours who are looking for, kind, loving and big hearted guys like you.

You live in an area with a pretty big AS cluster, and I wonder how that affects the odds. On the one hand, women in the area probably have extra awareness of AS and how it affects people, and may bridge the gaps faster. On the other hand, with so much high tech drawing mostly male employees, you've also got an unusually high number of AS men in the dating pool. And I have no idea how that all plays out ... but I hope you can find what you are looking for; don't let it all drag at your attitude, because being negative hurts your dating chances.

Depending on how far you are willing to travel, surrounding cities might work. I'm directionally/ geographically challenged, I don't remember what cities are near Mountain View only been there a couple of times.

I'm an aspie that's been married to an NT for 25 years and we have 4 NT kids and a grandbaby. I wasn't dx'd until my 40s. All my life I had thought that everyone was like me but just forced themselves to do what they needed to do and act like they needed to act, so I learned to do that on my own. A lot of things fell into place when I was dx'd and learned about AS.

And yeah, my poor unsuspecting NT husband had my diagnosis thrust upon him! He didn't even have the CHOICE. Poor man.

That being said, I do know that I would never want a man who came across like he needed to explain to others that he CHOSE me in spite of my AS, like he was bucking for some kind of sainthood. I wouldn't want to be with a man who seemed to think that NT's who CHOOSE of their own good hearted free will to be with "their aspie" was so unusual that it made him a rarity. A special, wonderful, caring and self sacrificing rarity, but a rarity nonetheless.

I'm pretty sure that many other folks with AS wouldn't want to be with somebody who referred to them as "my aspie" rather than "my bf/gf/husband/wife", like they were some kind of trendy pet that the saintly person obtained at a pound, especially if they came across with the attitude that they know they could do so much better and get an NT but they, the NT, CHOSE to be with the aspie like it's some rare occurance and something that only exceptionally good hearted and understanding people would ever, ever CHOOSE to do.

I think most folks with AS would walk away from that partner the first time they heard the spiel, even if the NT seemed to act offended at how other, less enlightened NT's talked about the horrible, terrible burdensome difficulties of life with their aspie. I imagine they would wonder if the person they were dating, the great hearted NT who CHOSE to be with an aspie, weren't simply doing it for some sort of strokes to their own ego and to make themselves appear to the world as being more tolerant and open minded than they actually are.

You know, like a romantic version of a charity case.

I'm not saying you're doing that. Not at all. I'm just telling you my opinion.

Then again, I'm just an NT's aspie, so what do I know?

In defense of the term "my Aspie" I'll explain why I use it: Most posters here have AS, or at least suspect that they have it, after all this is Wrong Planet. As an NT I am an outsider though I have never been treated as such, quite the contrary. Without checking my profile you won't know if I'm NT or what. Sure you can speculate but I could be in an AS/AS relationship. My love interest is not my "bf" nor my "husband". For the sake of my posts I refer to him as "my Aspie" or my "AS guy". It's easier than saying "the guy that I like that has AS". If we were in public I would not introduce him as an my Aspie. It is strictly for this forum. I have never had anyone say anything negative about it, so I continue to use those terms. I have been made to feel at home here. And if you notice, I refer to my self as an "NT" because that's what I am. I tread lightly sometimes because this isn't my home planet and I don't want to offend anyone.

I wasn't talking about your user name, or the way that people here usually refer at least once in their posts to who has or doesn't have AS. Let me send you a PM to explain please.

My sister choose to marry a man that she knew would need a liver transplant in the next decade. When a future complication is known, of course you have to "choose." And when you love someone, you choose them regardless of all known complications. It isn't like they go around looking for a charity case, or take pity on the person and marry them for that reason. It is that you start daring someone, realize you really really really like them, learn some complicating factors, aren't willing to stop being with them and so keep dating them, learn more about what those complications mean as things get more serious, and realize that since you do love this man, now you've got to decide if that love will be enough to get you through those complications.

What I told my sister before she married her man is that every marriage has complications, she just happens to know one of her big one's upfront, unlike the rest of us who find them thrust upon us.

Since AS is the condition of the moment in media, of course someone who finds out the guy they are daring has AS is going to wonder what it would mean in a marriage. The job of dating is to visualize your future together, and decide if it will meet your needs.