Overnight stays & intimacy when boyfriend lives with his

Post Reply New Topic

Hello,

I'm just looking for some other points of view really, trying to understand whether I am being unreasonable or not.

My boyfriend lives with his mother, he's 35, not a big problem for me as he needs the support and would struggle (practically) to live independantly. I am not looking to live with anyone myself and the arrangement suits me.

I have been living on my own since I was 17, I currently have a 3 bedroom house, that I have to myself on the weekends. He doesn't want to spend time in my house, but has reluctantly agreed to one night on the weekends (after a year of trying to work it out).

My boyfriends mother is very intrusive regarding his privacy in his bedroom, she just walks in, she often runs him down in front of me, she will frequently come out of her room and find me to talk to me if she hears me walking around the house (trying to go to the bathroom e.t.c.). Also she will often want to have long conversations when I am just tired and want to have some privacy with him. I can't shower, get something to eat, make a drink without her being there at every turn, it feels disrespectful to just help myself in her house and I am mostly "confined" to his cramped room when he is there. I feel like she is listening for every slight sound we make. intimacy is awkward to say the least !

I am a single mum, who works full time, and I run my house by myself. There is always something that needs doing on the weekend regarding my chores and house. I am always pretty tired by the end of the week, strung out and I need to relax.

I was his first girlfriend.


My boyfriend wants me to have overnight stays, be intimate and spend time with him at his mother's house. I think he's being unreasonable and that his expectations in this area are unrealistic . He's undiagnosed AS.

He can't understand why I don't want to hang out with him in a place where he feels so comfortable. He's angry with me that I don't want to "make him happy" by spending time with him in a place that he feels most comfortable, and that I feel extremely uncomfortable in.

any advice or points of view greatly appreciated.

Sounds to me that his mother has a issue, perhaps she is over mothering him?
Perhaps she feels a bit threatened by you ?
I think that you shall try to explain to her how you feel about her being intrusive.
This is clearly something you perhaps should sort out as soon as possible.
Thats my opinion.

I agree, I bet she loves being possessive and making all of the major decisions for her son, she probably feels like you are out to steal that place and in a sense, take him away. It sounds like she is over mothering him and if he can't make a choice to compromise and hear you out, it would be best to the end the relationship.

His mother hasn't cut the apron string and he doesn't seem too bothered by that. If he's so resentful of the idea of having a life outside his mother's house, you need to decide whether or not that's a deal-breaker for you. If it is, tell him.

On the other hand, you already have enough on your plate as a single mother. Do you really want/need a man-child in your life? Seriously?

It sounds to me as though you'd be better off single instead of having the responsibility of being the 'grown up' in both your own family and in your relationship. It doesn't sound as though he's ever going to be your equal, your partner.

If you want a man-child in your life, fine, put up and shut up, stop moaning and trying to change him, because he probably won't change, or at least has shown zero willingness to do so thus far.

If you want a partner who is more your equal, either accept he won't change and dump him and find someone else more capable of meeting your needs, or make a last ditch attempt to make the relationship work, give him an ultimate and tell him he needs to man up or else he'll be dumped.

thanks for the different points of view everyone....lots to think about.

i agree with this is spirit. i think the problem lies with your boyfriend's unwillingness to assert his independence with his mother. his mother's intrusiveness would not be a problem if he didn't fully allow it.

it is totally possible for a person to live with their parents at age 35 and still be a fully independent adult, but that is not the case with your boyfriend. ultimately, if he does not see a problem with his relationship with his mother, then you can't force him to become aware.

i think that even if he lived separately from her, she would probably be looming large in his life in ways that make you uncomfortable. he seems to be having issues with boundaries. but since it doesn't bother him, there isn't much you can do.

if you've already tried talking to him and did not have any success, then it may be time to make a decision as to whether you can live with things as they are.

thanks for the reply hyper....

He has said that he accepts that I won't see him at his mother's house, and that he won't ask me to again, but he's annoyed about it and thinks I'm being unreasonable. He says he doesn't know if he can live with it in the long term.

And so whilst I know that for now the pressures off, I think I've been banging my head against a brick wall trying to explain to him that his expectation is unreasonable.

To a certain extent I don't mind much what goes on between him and his mother in her house. That situation will probably not change ever. It doesn't need to necessarily. I'm not looking for marraige, or someone to live with or go shopping with or have a family with. I suppose I'm even happy with her being his "significant other" so to speak.

all I really need is to spend one day and night a week with him.

He has suggested putting a lock on the bedroom door and has greatly improved his living conditions in his bedroom recently - all in an effort to try and make me comfortable and to try and pursuade me to go there - but he's totally missing that the issue. I still have to get through the door which can take half an hour sometimes, and there's still the issue of feeling like she's listening" to every sound we make , and creeping around the house, being "confined to his bedroom" and having to get fully dressed to use the bathroom.....blah blah blah..

She's 70 and quite domineering and overbearing about standards as well, so there's a constant pressure to make conversation with her and be "presentable" at all times - I just can't relax and enjoy my time there at all.

I don't think there's anyway to change her - and after all it is her house. And they have both been locked into what must seem like a completely normal environment with each other for many years now.

He can't understand why I don't want to be there, and while he feels resentful that I won't go there I don't think there's much point in trying to go on.....it will only cause massive rows in the end I think.

I guess I'm looking for practical ways to try and help him see that what he's asking is unreasonable and that the solution - if he wants to have sex and hang out with me - is to do that at my house. I don't wnat him to feel resntful that I won't do it, I think that if he could understand then he wouldn't feel resentful, but he can't.....

I honestly think it's futile now. He will not budge on his way of thinking at all.

Does he get into "trouble" with his mother if he spends the night away from her house? Could you perhaps compromise and have him come over and be intimate, but with no expectation to spend the night?

I'm out of suggestions. I would totally pull the ripcord, if this were me. But I'm very rigid. I'm also a single mother, and I simply would not have time or inclination to baby the man in my life.

As you're a single mother, you have to do whats best for yourself & your children with regards any future with this chap,
How long have you been in a relationship with him ?

His mother sounds overprotective & possibly mis-trusting of you, or she may be like that with everyone that be-friends her son, maybe she has an issue with you as a single mother ?

no he doesn't get into trouble with her, but I was his first girlfriend (sigh) a year and a half ago.

In the beginning I was trying to be patient, he said he felt like he was doing something wrong when he was with me, he was very anxious, he said he would try and stay over here.........in a year and a half he's done it 4 maybe 5 times, and eventually because I was just never getting any intimate time with him, I made the worst mistake I could which was that I ended up going to his house, because there was not going to be any other way to see him or spend the night with him. I thought that if he had a little time to feel more confident about spending time with me, about being in a relationship, then he'd feel more comfortable eventually staying at my house - or away from his mother's. Also I allowe dhim to come over and stay late at night for sex and go home, again for three months,thinking that he would eventually be more comfortable with staying. But long term, I don't want to have sex and then for the guy to go straight home afterwards. So that's my issue I guess, but it leaves me feeling really bad and I can't change my thoughts about that.

But he just came to expect this pattern of having sex and going home, or me being at his if I wanted to spend the nioght with him, and he just totally stopped even trying to come over, although I kept saying how unhappy I was about the situation. In the last three months we were together he stayed 1 night (we were seeing each other maybe 2 or 3 times a week where he was calling over late in the envening for sex and the going home straight after. That was very difficult for me.

I finished it totally seven months ago because of this.

and in between he had another girlfriend that...........used to see him at his house.

This has reinforced in his mind that he can expect this and that I'm being unreasonable. In reality I think it's far more likely she found herself in the same situation as me, being left alone after sex at her house, or having to stay at his mother's if she wanted to spend more time or the night with him.

he says he doesn't feel like he's doing something wrong now because he's had more experienec and another girlfriend, and has agreed to stay one night at my house over the weekend, and not to try for sex if he doesn't intend to stay over.

But his point of view about this is even worse than ever because his last girlfriend said she she was "fine" about the situation. I think that maybe "fine" means "I don't like it but I'm doing this because otherwise I'm left alone at my house when you run home after sex". Maybe I'm wrong.

he's not upfront when you first meet him (on-line) about living with his mother permanently or his expectation for you to spend time at his house rather than him be at yours.

He's very charming, good looking, funny and caring and before you know it it kind of feels like it's too late to think "rationally" about what's going on, because you want to spend time with him so much.

By that time he's come to expect that you'll stay at his mother's house because you want to see him, and he has tried to hold that over me, saying that it's his way or no way.

That's why I finished it.

he thinks that there are other women, many of them, out there that will be happy spending time at his mother's house, and thinks I am being selfish, unreasonable, don't love him enough e.t.c.

he finished with the other girl because he says how much he realised that I was right for him, and does look like he's trying to make steps towards meeting me halfway now.

I never thought he would agree tp spend the night one weekend, or to all the other things he's agreed to so far.

But i don't think it's sensible to start anything with him again while he feels I'm being unreasonable and selfish about this, even though he's agreed not to ask me to stay at his mother's house again, and that he accepts it and still wants to continue our relationship, or pick it up again.

I'm tired, we've been talking for two weeks now trying to sort things out, haven't met up and won't until we're both sure the major issues that caused us to argue are sorted if they can't be, or we separate for good of they can't (my choice).

But I'm banging my head against a brick wall I think.

he is absoluetly fixed on his thinking and cannot see that what he's asking isn't reasonable or fair to expect a woman to do under the circumstances. H ecan't see the issue with it, and just keeps trying to fix the practical aspects of it, like cleaning his room, putting a lock on his door e.t.c.


blurgh! I'm rambling, I'm so tired out talking about it and getting nowhere

I think he's much too inflexible and completely disrespectful to expect to be in a romantic relationship.

Again, I'm very rigid, but not as rigid as he is. And I think you did the right thing by ending it.

I would not tolerate someone coming over for sexytimes and then leaving, but it was the only thing I could think to suggest, in that situation.

Everything you say about him *screams*, "damaged mama's boy". And I know whereof I speak. You will only get heartache out of this. He's working from completely untenable expectations, especially since you're a mom!

Oy.

Talk to him, explain your grievance, ask him to change.

If he doesn't, leave him.

I know it is easier said than done, but it is what it is.

What you want is for the relationship to progress so that you're having a normal adult relationship with a man, in an environment where you can have privacy and intimacy, whereas he's quite happy for you to be creeping round his mother's house like children on your best behaviour.

You're stuck in a loop. You impress on him what you want. He gives a bit of leeway but then soon reverts back to type impressing on you what he wants. You give him a bit of leeway but then start getting resentful before reverting back to type and impressing upon what you want. He gives a bit of leeway...

You can talk and cajole all you want, but fundamentally your lifestyles and needs are incompatible and you're going to carry on looping round and round like this unless and until you do something to break the cycle. Again, either put up and shut up, accept he's not going to change and stop moaning, or accept that you're never going to have the relationship you want and need with this man, so end it and free yourself up for meeting another man who can and will meet you half way, meet your needs.

One of those silly sayings goes like this: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

thanks again everyone, this is really helping. I get so caught up in the cricles we've been going around in talking about this. It is really good to get different perspectives.

everyone has pretty much covered off all the aspects and given great advice. i you're not ready to give up trying, then you might want to explain how you feel in the bluntest language possible. you said something to us about him being in an LTR with his mother or along those lines. is that something that maybe HE needs to hear? frankly, if he doesn't understand how strange his situation is, then would explaining it bluntly help?

I have decided not to pursue a relationship with a man in his forties who still lives with his parents because I realised that he was like a middle aged adolescent. Privacy is certainly a large part of it, and as much as anything if I were to visit him, even if just for a coffee and a chat - not even any more intimate, I would be visiting his parents as well as him. It's their house and he still sleeps in the same single bed in the same room he moved into as a teenager. I went out with him for some years when I was in my teens (I'm now 43) and got back in contact with him about 4 years ago.

I do understand, up to a point, why he still lives with his parents. He is a farmer, gradually took over the day to day running of the business from his father, and the tradition is that the parents move out when the son gets married and brings his bride home. However, he is still single at the age of 46 and is pretty much destined to remain so unless he gets his own place.

What I find frustrating about my friend is that they own a cottage only a few hundred yards along the road, but they rent it out. Since I've renewed our friendship it has been unoccupied a couple of time, and I've suggested that he move into it, but he just ignores or shrugs off that suggestion.

For me, it's not even so much about privacy or being intruded on or being aware of someone else in the house while sleeping together, but that someone who has never had their own home, own space and control over that just hasn't experienced what I feel is a pretty essential part of being an adult.

I understand your frustrations, and I suppose I have chosen not to get into the situation that you're now in. I had the advantage of knowing in advance what the situation was. If it weren't for mobile phones I probably wouldn't be in contact with my friend at all, because I really couldn't be bothered having to speak to his mother every time I phoned the land line.