Need advice from those who have AS! Please?

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Hi everyone! I don't have AS but someone I care for does. We met four years ago and we hit it off great from the start. He amazed me everytime we got together and soon after we became the best of friends. Things got complicated two years into the friendship because I was trying to get out of a long-term relationship. I went on anti-depressants and confessed my undying love to my aspie friend. He said he loved me too and we started being more than just friends, it went on for 1 year. I eventually left my old relationship and moved out. Soon after, the ex found out that I was seeing someone and he got all messed up about it. It became a tug of war between me and my new boyfriend and me and my ex. I slowly pushed away my dear aspie to console the ex. I got off the anti-depressants and later realized I made a mistake taking back the ex when I truely loved my aspie with or without medication. For seven whole months I missed my aspie. While being with the ex I wasn't happy. Then coincidently I met up with my aspie at a job interview. He looked at me like he'd seen a ghost while I smiled at him to make him feel at ease. Days after that, I e-mailed him and confessed my feelings. He responded kind of doubting what I told him. Weeks after that we bumped into each other at the mall. We talked and I could tell he was pretending not to be still hurt by everything. We e-mailed each other more. I took him out to dinner. A week later, I kicked the ex out and told him to never come back. I was miserable seeing that its Christmas time. So, I invited my aspie friend out Christmas shopping. We had fun together and when I told him that I was going to be living alone in 2005, he seemed very, very happy. At the end of the night, I gave him not one but two big hugs before I hopped on the city transit. Its been a week since we've spoken and here I go again missing him terribly. I know I still have feelings for him. I know I'd like to spend more time with him in 2005. But, I don't know if he feels the same way. I really don't know how to go about this. What, where, when, and how do I approach him? Considering all the pain I put him through in the past, I'm kind of making myself go nuts here! Any advice? I do love him. I don't know how to tell him.

P.S. He told me recently this woman at his job likes him but he says he's not interested. Is he telling me this because if he was interested he knows that he won't see me ever again?

If he is anything like me you should tell him in plain, unambiguous words ~ words that leave little room for doubt or misinterpretation.

In those types of situations I really need things spelling out clearly as I don't see enough signals otherwise.

What you think is an obvious signal of your intentions may not be to him.

I agree with Asparval - that seems like the best way to tell him. The more straightforward and verbal you can be regarding your feelings the more likly he is to be comfortable, as the other signals may not be seen or leave him baffled (thats how it often is with me anyway).

dunc

As well as being completely clear with him about how you feel you also have to realise that it might take him time to trust you again after what happened the last time you were together.

You took the words right from my mouth.

Melvis wrote:

I agree. I know I have a hard time trusting anyone that has ever hurt me. Sure, I'll talk to them and be friendly but if I've let you into my heart once and you hurt me, I won't make the same mistake twice.

"Hurt me once, shame on you.....Hurt me twice, shame on me"

I hope this person is not as rigid in his thinking as I am. Give him plenty of time, if you truly love him.

My problem is I never seem to learn- I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt and it takes a lot before I'll say 'enough is enough'. I keep telling myself I need to not be quite so open with people, but it would just be changing who I am too much and why should I have to change for other people??

I also haave a hard time remembering "okay, this person is not my friend" and have to constantly remind myself. I'm trying to work on that...

It's really hard though isn't it?? I have to try stop myself from thinking of everyone I talk to as a friend. But I still struggle not to be willing to do anything for anyone and always end up disappointed that I've been used.

It is hard. Even people who are really mean to me I have a hard time remembering they're not my friend. They'll start to have a conversation and I'll gladly act as though they're my best friend until it hits me they *aren't*. Bleh. It leads to rather confusing situations. I wonder if the girl who gave me a Christmas card is my friend? She wrote my name and from her name. Is she my friend?

Clear and concise explanation of how you feel and what you would like to happen. If you want to say sorry about the past then say something like 'Im not making any excuses for myself but I was struggling a lot back then and I know I hurt you'

I would like to say thanks to all who replied. Your advice means the world to me. I am grateful. A lot of what was posted made a lot of sense. Especially, the "trust" part and being very clear to him about my feelings.

Catffienated~ I'm guessing that girl who gave you that Christmas Card was being nice, like saying "hi" to a stranger. You're not alone because I get tons of Christmas Cards from people who I barely even know! I keep the cards up at home until after New Years, then shoot them away. No big deal!

I hope all of you have a good holiday season. I've decided to have a talk with my aspie friend soon! See you's around.......if anyone else has any more advice to give....feel free to let me know!

I hope things go well for you with him.

I hope he's not anything like me. I used to be very forgiving but after being hurt so much i'm a one strike girl. If someone really hurts my feelings they are "locked out" and i'm not going to have any further contact with them no matter what they do or say.

I hope he's not like that.

On the other hand a lot of aspies are friendly towards everyone which i was until being exploited by NTs more than I could tollerate. So you'll never know unless you ask.

I agree about being direct and unambiguous, but don't be too direct. It might help to understate how you feel just a little. I get really freaked out about the idea of someone loving me because I know that i'll hurt them eventually. I also just feel generally uncomfortable about the idea of someone loving me and unless the person is quite restrained initally I tend to feel as if i'm being stalked. I think this is probably an apspie trait.

~EG

Hey! Here's an update:

I haven't told my true feelings to my aspie friend.

I'm holding back because at the beginning of the month I asked if he wanted to spend time together in the new year. His response was that he made a promise to himself not to get hurt anymore. He started to see this girl on top of crushing over a woman 20 yrs. older than him. I told him "Ok, whatever floats your boat." I thought we were going to move on and go our separate ways. But, no! Everytime I said something in an e-mail, he would reply....then he would mention something and I would reply. Sooo, we're still in contact.

Now, he tells me that he rejected the girl he was seeing (without reason) and that the older woman only wants to be his friend. At the end of his e-mail he had the nerve to tell me he's thinking of me. I don't understand him because when there's other women of interest around he can drop me like a stone. When he finds out he doesn't like them or they don't like him....Iam a last resort. That doesn't make me feel good!

Another thing. He almost got himself into a bar fight because he didn't realize he was staring at someone else's girlfriend the wrong way!
In my last e-mail to him, I had to point out that his staring was due to his asperger syndrome. He knows he has this and its like he passes it off. Like he doesn't have have it. I don't know why he ignores his asperger syndrome. Its sooo frustrating.

I also, told him that I wanted to see him soon. I'm having regrets but maybe I can still be a "friend" to him and thats all. I'm very confused. I should have never got in touch with him last year but then again I can't help myself to worry about him because he can get very depressed at times and it scares me.

How do I help him? Is there medication for Asperger Syndrome? Will his doctor be able to help him? I have OCD I know how to help myself but how do I get him help?

I like to help him but then when I give him advice he pretends he's going to do better, then when I'm not around he tosses my advice out the window. This guy is 27!! !! !! !! !! !!

Lol, dealing with relationships on an aspi forum can be quite a project, he may have been just hurt so much he wants you to understand and reflect those feelings or he just may be un-sure of him self and you, aspies DONT like to be compared and competitive for the most part when it comes to romance, if you are Sure he has nothing else going on in his life romantically be point blank and honest with your feelings, choose a time you both have lots of privacy and time to think and talk about the issues, and if nothing else seems to work just down right hold him close and plant a big kiss on his lips, if he don't really want you you will be able to tell or he may push you away. but never just close the doors on him if you love him, it takes time for some to heal from the hurts and resentments from rejections esp when it comes to being droped for some other male.

All I can say is that as an aspie, no matter how much I love someone, I can only allow myself to open up to them <b>once</b>. If they hurt me badly enough, and I shut them out, I build a virtual brick wall that I cannot.....unbuild...even if I want to.

Perhaps you do not realize this, so I will tell you: feelings can be hard for us to deal with. In a poll on this forum, the majority replied that yes, falling in love seems scary. In another poll, the majority reported that it was hard for them to dismiss pain of past hurts, even if they had forgiven the person.

At the risk of being a bit harsh....if you are going to jack someone around, confuse them, and so on, it would be best to do it to a neurotypical. Your poor aspie friend has to go through enough confusing double messages without this sort of thing. He may want to open up to you but be extremely afraid or unable to- can you blame him?

I am sorry, but this really hit a nerve with me. I have had this happen to me so many times it isn't even funny. The last time was the worst...I don't think I will ever get over that and even be able to be friends with that guy.