Relationship Issue **HELP!!**

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Hi, I am NT, and the person of my dilemma is undiagnosed at 31. I am female, they are male. And we have been in a relationship for a few months. If he suspects he has aspergers, he has never let on (though I know he knows WHAT it is, vaguely, as I work at the same university as Temple Grandin, and her name came up once).

Our relationship started fast. His four before me (four that were sexual) were the same, and he lived with each one. We never lived together, though 1.5 months in, we did a three week road trip...that's when I couldn't ignore the quirks, and stumbled upon aspergers.

We started fighting two weeks ago. He started to feel distant, and we went from texting throughout the day to only a few short messages here and there...meaning most of mine went without reply. At the same time I found out he had not been so straight forward with his past, and had kept a few things hidden. Given we had talked about our pasts on a number of occasions, this was really upsetting to me. At the same time, I found out he was not working where he said he was working. Instead of answering my questions (text...it is impossible to get to his door without being let it, so it's not possible to stop by...MUST be in contact first), he ignored my texts...for about 3-4 days. We talked, and he came clean, though none of what we discussed explained why he was feeling so distant (said he was embarrassed of the things he hadnt told me, and didnt want me to know he had quit his job for our trip). Because I never got a satisfying answer to his distance, despite the fact that he was adamant he did not want a break or to open things up, I continued to feel distant. I didnt put this all into the context of aspergers, and a friend with 15years of drug and alcohol counseling suggested substance abuse. Now, this is a trigger of his...but I couldnt get it out of my mind...So, not accusing per say, I did bring it up. And of course he got angry. We argued, I tried to explain my side, he was inflexible. He said "but I do text you" while I said "yes, but we don't communicate as often." Anyhow, I kept stressing that I care for him, that the lies threw me off, that I am trying to re-find ground, and that no, this is not a NEW argument, its the same one we have had for a week (he told me that if there is going to be a cycle of me not trusting him and accusing him of things he hasn't done, he wants no part of it. I explained "cycle" means event-healing-event while this was still the same event, and healing had not happened). Anyhow, the conversation transitioned into another comment I had made, where I mistakenly thought he had been in trouble in his past over one thing, though it turns out it was another. I explained that my thought was most logical to me, knowing his interests, but that to me neither what I proposed or what he admitted to was more or less "bad" or "good" than the other; both benign...and then I gave an analogy. Bad idea! He was very upset with the analogy, said I should know he hates assumptions, and that my logic was wrong; that there IS a difference between the two...and then declared "Your red herrings won't work on me!" I responded by saying again, to me, the options were equivalent, one just being more fun. And that I wasn't pulling blue, red, orange, or green herrings, salmon, or goldfish...just trying to explain my logic in a different set of words. I went on to say that I care about him, I am sorry we are fighting, but that I can not be in a dysfunctional relationship, and that before calling it quits, we should see a counselor so we can learn to communicate to one another in a way that is understood, so we can learn how to better meet the needs of the other, and learn how to avoid fights to begin with. That was followed with 24 more hours of silence, which I took to mean that he has no interest in trying to work things out...so I wrote "Fine, I give up." Again, nothing. Days of nothing.

I have since written him telling him that given he knows I care about him, given he knows how much the silent treatment bothers me, and knowing that this all started because I was feeling insecure and scared because he felt distance, I find his continued non-responsiveness to be cruel.

As messed up as all of this is, I do care about him. And I do want to try. Not knowing much of aspergers other than what I have read and observed in him (and I have not observed this before, so I have no reference), I do not know if he is just being an emotionally abusive jerk in ignoring me, or if he could be genuinely overwhelmed and without words to express this. I dont know if I should stop sending texts in my futile attempt to get him to respond eventually, if I should continue, if I should wait at his door and force him to talk, etc. I am not one to give up…and I NEED to talk about issues. All of this is driving me crazy. I can’t focus on things I should be, because all I can do is think about how upset I feel (I know…irregardless of what happens with us, this whole scenario has made me realize that I need, myself, to see a therapist and begin some CBT).

AURGH! This is so frustrating. And each minute that continues in silence, the more I hurt, the more I cry, and the stronger the desire to hide under my covers. If he is just being a jerk, and aspergers is not exacerbating this scenario, then I can chalk it up to that and move on. However, if his response is something that is neurologically driven, and because of not having the tools to see and correct his actions due to never having been diagnosed, I would like some advice on how to proceed.

Darlin', he is a being a rotten a-hole!

There is no neurological excuse for that. You caught him lying and called him out on it, and that made him uncomfortable so he made everything about HIM (his "insecurity" and "fear").

Definitely do not wait at his door, & do NOT wait for him to call/text/come around. It would be better to let this one get away. Someone who loves you and is capable of having a healthy relationship will not drag you up and down an emotional rollercoaster and silent treatment punishment. If he changes his mind later, dont be available! Move on with your life, and think about what kind of a partner you need, who can be honest with you.

my two cents, for what it is worth.

other than the name-calling, i agree with glasstoria.

Thanks for your input. I feel so codependent about this, and it is incredibly bothersome. I am generally a strong independent woman. The lack of response, to me, is infuriating. There is NOTHING I hate more than the silent treatment. It makes me upset and angry. Very little makes me angry... and the silent treatment gets me so mad that I just want to scream!

You are in a relationship that already has you miserable. It does not matter if he has asperger's or a royal jerk certificate. What matters is you are miserable early into it. Obviously you are a "care taker" sort of person and you caught yourself / got caught by someone who will take advantage of that, of you. Time to move on.

You don't give enough info to determine whether or not your BF has Asperger's. It doesn't really matter why he isn't communicating with you, though. He shuts you out and you can't stand being shut out. The two of you are obviously not a match. Stop trying to bully him into communicating with you when he obviously doesn't want to. All it does is get him more annoyed, and more closed to you. And stop dreaming that you can change or "fix" him into being what you want him to be. He is never going to be that person. Get real. Instead of mooning over an infatuation with Mr. Wrong in the hope that he will somehow turn into Mr. Right, start looking for someone who is already Mr. Right. Romance is not supposed to be a matter of finding someone and then trying to do a "makeover" on them to get them to meet your requirements. You are supposed to find someone who already meets your requirements. In this case your BF doesn't meet your requirements, and never will. So stop driving both of you crazy by trying to force him into the pattern you want him to fit, but that he is unable to fit. There are other guys out there. Go out there and look for someone who will be a good match for you.

I have a question for you. Don't you think you deserve a better match? And if not, why not?

(Thread moved from Autism discussion to L&D)

As stated, I do not desire a relationship with someone who is not willing to try to find a solution to a clear block in communication. However, ATM, I am merely seeking answers to something that is so incredibly bizarre to me that I honestly can not comprehend. Assuming his current behavior is a function of aspergers, I think only someone with aspergers can really understand what is going on, and hopefully provide a little insight. From a NT standpoint, this is not normal behavior. He either has a personality disorder or aspergers (though these are not mutually exclusive).

And do I think I deserve someone I can communicate with? Of course. I have not been with him due to low self esteem or self worth. Its because we usually complement one another and have an amazing physical connection (and I’m not necessarily talking sex). While we do often butt heads, this is the first time anything nearly this extreme has happened. And his response is mindboggling to me.

Why do I think aspergers?
1. Does not recognize rhetorical questions. I learned fairly quickly that if I do not follow a rhetorical question with “I do not honestly expect you to know the answer” he would get irritated at not having one, and thinking I expected him to.
2. A. Does not recognize sarcasm. We once got into a conflict because I sarcastically asked him if had been paying attention to me when I said something.
2. B. Does not have properly corresponding facial expressions for emotions. The sarcastic statement mentioned above was followed by, what I thought for a good minute, was him playing along with my joke and us engaging in exaggerated, but playful, banter…except that wasn’t the case at all, and he was genuinely upset. However, the look on his face did not change in the least from when he was not upset to when he was…hence, why I thought he was joking along with me.
3. Easily disturbed by that which doesn’t fit into the set of codes he seems to govern his life and actions by; not thinking “outside of the box.” Example: parking in “designated” spots. If in grey area, such as along a country road, a NT will park where they can, so long as it’s not (1) blocking traffic or (2) blocking a driveway. The concept of parking alongside a road was not in his world view, and he was shaken (and made upset) by this. Example: driving a gravel road. If there are rocks or other such obstacles, a NT will drive around them, perhaps in the process leaving the road itself (such as driving in a ditch or up an embankment). Again, not in his world view (though, both of these could, perhaps, be found in someone with an extreme form of OCPD…but neither is “normal”).
4. Extensive knowledge of a few subjects for which he has great passion.
5. Sensitivity to stimulation (or lack of). He would literally shake when we made out (which I found cute). And silence resulted in tinnitus symptoms.
6. More inflexible thinking. Became irritated once because he couldnt find my “half of a bagel.” To him, this meant cut through the middle so that you have two halves of a circle…and literally didn’t recognize one cut through the middle in the opposite orientation (e.g. two circles, of half thickness) as a half.
7. Incredibly orderly. Shoes in a row, everything in its designated spot. However, unlike what I would expect of an OCPD/OCD person, this was not extended out to that which wasn’t his. So, while he may fold his clothes before going to bed, wasn’t bothered when I just left mine in a pile at my feet.
8. Shocking memory. I mean…wow! (I have to admit…it really attracted me to him, since I am ADD and often forget everything, a function of often not really paying attention).
9. Shutdowns. The bagel incident resulted in him throwing a fit, and slinking into a state of non for a good 18 hours (we were on a road trip…and he literally sat in his side of the car, staring out the window or sleeping, completely nonresponsive this entire time…needless to say, I was really weirded out by this…I mean, its not exactly something you see every day).
10. Inappropriate responses to events. I once had to take my dog to the emergency vet. He seemed irritated because we were watching a movie, and instead of coming with, he stayed home to watch the rest of the movie.

Anyhow, yes…we have clearly had some problems. But most of the times, it has come down to us speaking in a language the other can not understand, with him reacting in a very atypical manner (the situation with my dog was obviously not a communication issue...I am not sure what it was. But, my options are "aspergers" or "psychopath," and I opt for the former). Sometimes hes only upset for a minute (e.g. the rhetorical questions), others about 5-10 (the sarcasm incident), and until now, the longest 18 or so hours. However, after each of these, we were able to communicate to the other our perspective, make up, and move on. No one is perfect, and if he could overlook that fact that if my head wasn’t screwed onto my body I would lose it somewhere…I could overlook the strange (to me) misunderstandings…given they were not accompanied by unnecessary emotional outbursts. We were doing pretty good on this front until last week.

And, no...didn't have delusions of "fixing" anyone. Did, however, have delusions that the good in our relationship meant as much to him as it did to me, and that while clearly not perfect, it was at least worth fighting for.

You sound like a young version of my mother.

Don't keep texting him. Don't ask him questions, don't force him into a corner.
Let him reply when he is ready.

If that's never, let him go.