Sudden switches in behaviour- NT very confused!!

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I don't really know if this is a common AS trait, but my AS friend will suddenly switch behaviour, and not see it, and not understand why it's alarming.

For example- he will go through a period (let's say, 3 months or so) of communicating every day, and seeking my company very frequently, to then suddenly only communicating say, once a week, and not really seeking my company for like, a month at a time. I understand that he may go through phases of wanting to be social, versus periods of wanting to be alone, but in the periods where he doesn't communicate so much, he still carries on being social with others. I understand that this may not have anything to do with me as such, but it is difficult to understand otherwise.

When I bring this to his attention, and express that I find this confusing, he says he finds it tiresome that I keep questioning him, and that I need to work out for myself what my problem is.

I do understand that he is obviously prone to being inconsistent, more so than an NT, but it does feel a little unfair for him to be able to rely on me for company and stuff for long periods, and then switch without considering how that affects me?

Opinions? Help? Suggestions?

I haven't done much research on it but mabie your aspie friend is a bit bi-polar.
try approaching him during the times that he doesn't seek communication with you and ask why. It sounds to me that he doesn't realize what he's doing. If there's no pattern the he probably gets caught up in life (like a demanding job or special interest)

yeah I dunno- I can understand if he gets caught up in his stuff and wants to be alone or is busy with work stuff etc, but generally, I find that in the quiet periods, he still continues to socialize- just not with me, so it doesn't seem like he needs 'quiet time'.

If I ask the reason, I generally end up with a break-down of individual days, and why we didn't meet up then, or I will get 'it didn't occur to me'.

He really doesn't seem to understand the difference between when he is being super communicative and friendly to me (as in, in meeting up etc) and when he isn't. He also doesn't get why that's a problem (that he acts that way- if he were to acknowledge it)

Almost the same type of thing happens to me. Sometimes my Aspie boyfriend will shutdown without me doing anything wrong. I think sometimes Aspies just need their time to pursue their special interest to relieve them of stress. They get really immersed in what they are doing and may lose track of how long they've shutdown for. I find with my Aspie that he reads my messages but forgets to reply because he was so focused on what he was doing at the time. I don't think this type of thing is purposely done by Aspies and there's no malicious intent behind it. They just need more space than an NT does I guess. I find that my boyfriend always makes up for it later on and I can tell because he makes such an effort to call and text me but there are times where he's quiet. It's not usually for long and then he'll come out of his shutdown. I think that sometimes they probably just need that time to de-stress and enjoy their alone time pursuing their special interest.

I have often tried to ask my Aspie why he does this but he doesn't seem to open up with me about it at all. During these times I just let him do his own thing. I never pressure him to talk when he doesn't want to because it'll just cause him to feel pressurised to talk to me and it will cause him to pull away even more.

I've personally had a similar situation with a close friend of mine, I'm going through it again at the minute, I can only deal with his time for so long before I feel pressured or stressed to actually see him, maybe this isn't the same thing at all but every person I meet, it need's to be on my terms and nothing else with work. Perhaps if he is feeling stressed or anti-social at one point or another, he made just need some personal space, don't take it too personally, allow him the space and let him contact you.

I can understand it must be quite frustrating though

hmmm yeah thanks.

I think, the 'needing space' i can totally understand, but as I said, he is still as social, just not with me.

I've left him be pretty much, for around a month, and I dunno, it just seems to be getting worse and worse :-/

Incidentaly, around a month ago, I expressed to him that I wanted an exclusive relationship, and that didn't go well and just ended up being an inconclusive issue. Even though he maintains that his behaviour hasn't changed since then, I really can't help but think that it seems glaringly obviously linked to that :-/

It just feels like it's deteriorating, and there's nothing I can do to sort it. I've tried leaving him, I've tried being more proactive, I've tried being very re-assuring, but it's only getting worse and worse :-/ All I have left I guess is to just completely leave him alone

I dunno, I feel like giving up is my only option right now, it has been five years.

I have been through the process before, and it is really difficult. When you get close to someone and get used to spending time with them, it is really difficult to know that they will cut things off for an unknown period of time at any point, without warning or reason,

It's easy to think about giving someone space, but to not feel horrendous about it the whole time, you have to let go of the person and almost go through a mini 'break-up', it's really heartbreaking to do, only for them to re-enter your life when they are ready again, and for you to know that you will have to go through that cycle all over again- it's excruciating

I just don't have the strength to get close to someone, to then be intermittently rejected by them (albeit temporarily), over and over again

Sometimes we get tired of people. We still love you but we just need a break. That's how I am anyways. Sometimes I need my alone time. It could be depression or a mood disorder too.

I really want to think that (not that he's depressed or in a bad mood, but that he just needs space and that it's not personal) but I really can't help but feel that it's something that I've done- it's an awfully big coincidence that he started acting this way right after I expressed to him that I was having trouble understanding the relationship and that I wanted it to be more exclusive :-/

He says it's not a deliberate change, but I can't help but wonder if he is subconsciously distancing himself because of what I said- it seems a lot of the time he isn't aware of how he feels or why he acts in the way he does, so I'm not doubting that he doesn't THINK that's the case.

As you said, I will give him space, it's just difficult- I know I will having to start forgetting about him and building my life away from him, as I have no other choice, only for me to have to start re-building trust and understanding and systems with him if he does decide to start hanging out again :-/