So who makes the first move ?

Post Reply New Topic

Let's start off by saying I'm terrible at making the first move with a near zero success rate. Don't worry, I'm not a complete failure with women, I have had a few flings but nothing you could call a relationship. This bothers me a little because I feel I could have missed out on potentially good relationships with shyer girls but because their shyness may have held back. I'm sure I've crushed on shy girls and they have crushed me but without a successful move from me or her I'm left clueless. I don't know for certain if a shy girl would suit me better but it seem silly not to try.

Does this bother another aspie men/boys ?

Yeah women have it so easy since people come up to them. Shy girls can be deceptive though, so watch out.

Typically a guy does, although sometimes a girl will. It can be difficult since a girl's move will usually be very, very subtle.

I can be shy, so I do prefer a little more outgoing girl who can push me to be more out going.

Not necessarily true. I have never been approached out of the blue without some sort of interaction starting on my end, except by other ladies, who, often as not, like to tell me "I've never been attracted to a girl before you." or some variation. (I've been told by a female friend of mine that I have a disposition that successful men have, although I'm not sure what that means..)

I've tried hanging out in bars and doing "social" activity, but because I don't much care if people come to chat with me, I don't go out of my way to make myself appear approachable (I really wouldn't know how to do that anyway) but I do, very childishly, engage people non-verbally when I feel sufficiently at-ease, and that has ultimately led to a couple of relationships. *shrugs*

That said, some girls will totally let you off the hook

Do you mean you almost never actually decided to make a first move? or that your moves never got you a relationship? There's a big difference.



So you have good reason to believe that some of the shy girls you had crushes on, also had crushes on you--yet you didn't make any move? For me, I have no problem approaching girls who seem shy and/or socially awkward, asking them if they want to hang out, etc. But, the type of such girls I tend to crush on, those who aren't only shy, but seem to have their own secret garden of fantasy in their heads, tend not to like me back.

I think it may be that while I want to discover the "uncharted territory" of a mysterious girl, other guys have been there before, and by the time I get to them, they only like popular or protective guys, not guys who just want to share their inner world. Maybe this is what atdevel meant by shy girls being "deceptive".

I sometimes feel if I weren't so confident to make the first move, then those who approach me would feel more mutually attracted.

It's the infernal crushing that gets in the way I think. It gets too important and the brain can't function properly.

I think it calms down over time though. I still get a powerful infatuation-like feeling when I start getting involved, but it doesn't disable me like it used to, even when it doesn't go my way.

Making the first move can be scary........luckily I haven't had to go too far out on a limb yet, so I guess I owe my success to a few women who laid the signals on with a trowel, especially in the early days when I didn't even know what flirting was. The other thing that helped was that I realised I was being coy about letting them know how I felt because I felt guilty for having such desires and needs.......but the guilt doesn't bear up to scrutiny, because there's nothing wrong with it and everything right with it.

In any case I think it's best to give them the idea that you might be really interested rather than being head over heels.......if you don't know them pretty well, it's stupid to see them as any more than a promising candidate. So, why be afaid of letting somebody know that? It's complimentary, it's not invasive, it's invitational, it's positive, and if they aren't interested, then they can walk away and never know what would have happened.

It was even becoming fun the last time it was appropriate for me to make the first moves. But I don't try too much of that because they might think I'm a fully-fledged NT player, and I'm sure I couldn't handle some of the gamey stuff. And I still detest it if people deliberately put obstacles in the way just to see how much I care. Because if the test is too cruel, they're telling me that they don't care about me.

It is important to describe how exactly your "first move" looks like... But I would suggest never tell her you like her, she is beautiful bla bla. NO! Try to talk to her as she is your buddy, your old mate. With balls, well small at least Because you scare and chase away most of the girls if you be honest with them. They don't care, it all seems you only want to get laid. Only if you look like their dreamprince (chemistry works) they would respond to whatever BS. So don try to impress, don't take them as girls - just friend you want to talk a bit, spend some time with.

Let me be clear by first move I mean, making it clear I'm interested. I don't any specific moves so I won't bother going into detail there.

There are three scenarios, which I'm group into two types:

Type 1a: A girl notices me, then finds to get know me, she develops a 'like' for me, I notice and think she is nice, I go with the flow, then in time she make it clear to me she likes... I say doh-kay then things happen

Type 1b: A girl notices me, then finds to get know me, I notice she trying to get to know me, I decide I don't like her that way, drift away... then things don't happen

Type 2: I notice a girl, I get to know her, develop a like, then make it clear I like her.... things don't happen

As you might guess type type 1a only really happens with more confident even dominant girls so I get the feeling that I'm closing off options. As I hinted before I've never had any serious or long time. Also long periods of time go between a girl noticing me and longer periods go by I get noticed by agreeable girls ( for want of a better term)

By subtle this person means that women will find a way to let a guy know itll be a yes without making a move. Thus the guy is still the one making moves.

I don't do anything unless I have a guarantee of success. That would be a no.

I used to be more open to the idea of it, but eventually I got shot down enough I quit. Why bother doing something if there is no point?

You have to approach more girls on the chance they like you, or you have to learn to pick up on their signals better so you aren't making random guesses and getting rejected. I can't do either, but these are the two options.

The female so there are no law suits >_>

This hehe also Im usually to shy to approach women in person.

Pretty much, yeah. But approaching more can also help you get a better feel for which ones are going to react positively.

But if someone's gonna do that, they also need to work on desensitizing themselves to rejection. It's gonna happen more often than not, and a guy who can't get past it easily is gonna have a damn hard time in the dating world.

From what I have noticed is most women take more notice to you when you are not paying attention to them however when you take notice on them they ignore you and brush you off it is like they sense desperation and reject it but if you show little or no interests they are more likely to approach you because they see it as a challenge.

Funny.......one of the reasons that comes into my head when I'm reluctant to chase a woman is that it would suggest I was sure she was the right one for me. So if anything went wrong it would look like it was all my fault.

The other thing is that it feels downright bizarre, in this brave new world of women's equality, to act out the part of leader in order to satisfy the entrance requirements of somebody who's supposed to be an equal. Surely today's decisive suitor is tomorrow's controlling husband? I think I'd rather stay a wimp.