If you're at all familar with baseball, you probably know that a given player may advance to each of the bases in succession on different plays, with the defensive team attempting to tag him out (while holding the baseball) when he is in between bases. If, for example, he is sliding into second, and the second baseman applies a tag before he touches the base, he is out and must return to the dugout, but if he gets there before the second baseman does or before the second baseman acquires the baseball, he is "safe".
Of course, the question you might have, if you're unfamilar with the game, is, what happens when there is a tie? That is to say, what happens if the runner has the baseball and tags the player just as he reaches the base? To settle that scenario, there is a rule stipulating that the tie goes to the runner.
Sometimes in dating, one can be faced with similar challenges. You may know what to do with certainty when you're clearly in love with the person you are dating and no one else. If a former lover or some new potential lover approaches you in such a situation, the choice is obvious. Likewise, in a lot of other situations.
Sometimes, though, like in the baseball analogy, there is a tie. One can truly be in love with two people or more at once. Unlike in baseball, there is no easy rule telling one what to do. There is a chance that either decision could lead to regrets and hurt feelings.
I find for myself, and your mileage may vary on this one, that there would be an added component that would come into play in a situation such as your's. The added component would be "What sort of person do I want to be?". Relationships usually entail some sort of implied commitment. When we say we'll date someone exclusively, there is the implication there that we'll continue to do so unless we find something specifically lacking in the quality of that relationship, independent of outside influences. I know that's not always held to in real life, but maybe in an ideal world, it would be.
Now, I'm not saying that dumping one person for another person is wrong per say. Sometimes, it might even be the right thing to do, if all things are considered. It's something that I think one should hesitate to do, though, because I think at some level, it's a betrayal of trust. It's not as if one is married and there is an iron-clad commitment there, but I do think there is at least enough of an element of implication that there should be a high burden of proof if one is going to severe a good relationship for something else.
I once faced a similar situation to this one. I had been in love with a girl and dated her for a while, and she dumped me. After some time had past, I started dating another girl seriously and developed feelings for her as well (Feelings that she said she recipercated). The first girl wrote me a long e-mail about her feelings for me and how she had been crying every night since she dumped me and how she felt that she had made a grave mistake. I was torn.
I knew what my decision had to be, though. Had I dumped the second girl, who I was in the mists of a relationship with and cared for, I would have never been able to have looked myself in the mirror again. It wasn't a question of who I loved more, it was a question of upholding someone's trust in me and doing the right thing. It was about being the type of person I wanted to me. What sort of a boyfriend would I be to anybody if I went around dumping people everytime I thought the grass just might be greener with someone else?
There is some truth in the baseball axium, the tie goes to the runner, where the person is presumed to be safe because of the tie. You're committed to the girl you're dating now, not the one you're "on break" with (That's essentially a breakup, really -- it's just saying you'll consider dating each other when the "break" period expires. It's not a commitment, your commitment is to the new person.). I'm not telling you what to do, you have to decide that for yourself. But what I am saying is that you should seriously consider what you'll feel better about yourself for doing. Not necessarily what you'll feel better doing (Looks like a pretty close call anyhow), but what would be true to yourself and your values, and what would be the kind of thing you'd hope a significant other would do for you if the situations were reversed.
In the situation I faced, the girl I stayed with actually dumped me a couple months later. By that time the first girl, who had wanted me back, no longer did. Some people would say I made the wrong call and that maybe, just maybe had I dumped the second girl for the first girl, I would have had something special with the first girl (I don't think that's how things would have unfolded, but one can never say never). So, there was a tangible loss there. Sometimes life involves risk. I did the right thing, though, and I can look myself in the mirror. And I'd do it again, even knowing how it turned out, because I was true to myself and my principles.
So, my best advice is, be true to yourself and what you believe in. It's not just a question of comparing two women and trying to figure out who rates higher, it's a question of who you are as a man.
That's just my two cents, anyhow. I'm not a morality guru or anything, so feel free to take it with a grain of salt.
22 Nov 2006, 6:34 pm
