Need some help with my girlfriend

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Hi everyone. I have AS, social phobia (kind of), and depression now and then. I've been with my girl for a year now. She wants EVERYTHING with me, kids, life, marriage, etc. She is fully informed of my condition and fully willing to work on it. So, my problem with my girlfriend is really a problem with me. Some background....

I am in my twenties, her in her thirties, which is about a 9 year gap. She is very smart, pretty, very very successful, loving, god fearing, attentive, hard working, etc. Basically all good things.

Me: I am very intelligent, good looking, 4 year college educated, funny at times, selfish, arrogant, lustful, etc.

She brings out the best in me but I always feel like I have to control myself and frankly, it seems impossible sometimes. She is pretty like I said, but not 100% amazing looking. I realize this is a deep flaw in my personality, wishing her to be perfect and having impossibly high standards, but I don't know how to stop. I'm younger so unfortunately my lust hasn't died down enough yet and I fear it never will. I get anxiety in public when I see women because, if they are beautiful, I get some kind of dissonance or confusion in my mind. I also tend to maximize situations....kind of like flipping through tv channels, finding things you kind of like but nothing to settle for so you end up never watching anything. My life before this woman was made up of relationships or just brief sexual relationships that filled the void. I'm concerned because I almost feel like I would be satisfied with no strings attached sexual relations with a few core girls. This scenario would be easy for me, rewarding to my ego (which unfortunately is huge), and it would avoid intimacy concerns. Being in the relationship I am now, changes the dynamic completely and is really uncomfortable.

Here is the thing, my ideal no strings attached lifestyle seems to be what many people do these days. It also seems immoral, empty, void of real value, and like something that isn't going to provide me with anything when I got right down to it. I realize, intellectually, that the current relationship is highly valuable to my soul, well being, security, development, and happiness but all I can think to do is run. I have tried a few times but my girl is forgiving and understands (not without considerable frustration) what I'm going through.

Some differences:
She works all the time and I feel left out. When I told her she felt sorry for herself, cried, and a massive fight followed.
I want sex less than her because I'm in a relationship with her, if I wasn't I'd want it more with more women. How do I modify this?
I need to be alone sometimes and she doesn't understand this. I prefer being alone most of the time, and she doesn't get that or she thinks its her. How to fix?
I feel trapped by marriage or other binding contracts or really anything in my life that requires commitment. What to do here?

Basically, I'm a risk addict, emotionally selfish, commitment avoidant, superficial, have depressive mood swings, and a host of other negative traits. I don't like these traits but I don't know how to keep this relationship going and it is a really good relationship (from her side). I need help WP.

I don't know if there is any way we can help you unless you help yourself. You could break up with her, if you have the guts to do it. I do wonder how severe your AS actually is cuz from the way you describe yourself, you sound like a bipolar guy. You really do sound rather flighty and not the type of guy for any serious relationship. Might wanna stick to dating gals in their early 20s as they too shun commitment.

I have the guts to leave, which is the problem. I think leaving will fix the problem and that its this particular relationship that is the problem. Thing is, that has been my thinking just about every time and I see the pattern now.

I would like help but dont know what to do. I haven't had good success with doctors but then again I've never been to an AS specialist.

But it doesn't sound like your AS is the problem when it comes to relationships as much as it is your fickle, capricious nature based on what you're describing. I have AS and I'm very much the opposite of you in that I want commitment and stability, but most women are not comfortable giving that to me these days. There was only 1 woman who truly wanted that with me but that was 14 years ago.

Well AS is certainly different for everyone. I think on some level I do value the stability she provides me but I feel like I sometimes make drama or just want to be alone and when she doesnt let me I make drama.

Please break up with this woman. You both deserve someone who wants the other completely, and I don't think you're ready to make a commitment any time soon. Additionally, since she wants children and is in her 30s, she should be free to have time to form an attachment to someone who wants the same things she does, in case her fertility is limited (as is the case for some women in their 30s).

It's not like anyone is a bad guy (unless you continue with her and don't inform her of the things you really want/need), you're just in very different places in your lives.

Well I don't want to lose her because it lacks sense for me to leave her for lesser quality relationships just because I have a flaw that says I need them. I don't see wisdom in this. Also, she has been made aware of these things, we are trying to work through it.

How odd that women who ostensibly want love and commitment are attracted to guys who are more capricious and desiring of independence and autonomy rather than those who are very devoted and get attached to them. I hear a lot more about AS men who are perceived by women as being too "clingy" than vice versa.

She sounds a bit on the desperate side herself, TBPH.

You know that you are not prepared for that life with her. You need to do what is right and let her go.

Love is commitment. She isn't desperate at all and I am quite clingy. Its difficult to convey information through this medium on the internet and I suppose I should view any advice through that lens.

I know nothing. And in life you learn from experiences and you change from efforts, not simply as a function of time passing by. I won't become more mature magically with age. I have to do something about it now and I want to.

Based on what you've told us, which admittedly isn't a ton, it sounds as though she's somewhat insecure about the relationship. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it depends on what sort of relationship you want to be having with her. If you're not sure that you want a committed relationship, and that's what she wants, then the two of you have a bit of a mismatch.

Advice is worth what you paid for it, but from this post alone, it sounds to me as though you'd be happier continuing to date around at this point. And I don't blame you.

Personally, I've been practicing poly for over 20 years. I don't have a problem with commitment per se, although I have been reluctant to commit to particular people in particular ways at particular times. I trust that about myself and would encourage you to do the same.

As for feeling left out of her work, there's not much you can do there. Telling her how you feel was the right choice, (although I can't speak to your level of tact, mine isn't always wonderful). Her feelings and her reaction are hers. Assuming the fight really was about this issue, (as distinct from some other issue in hiding), then it would seem as though she needs/wants her work to continue to be hers.

The sex and desireability issue is more tricky. I know what you mean, because I've been there. The trick for me has been novelty. If I'm getting enough novelty and excitement in my sex with someone, then I don't lose interest. There are other reasons I might lose interest, though, which include "withholds", or depending too much on the relationship and therefor being unwilling to risk doing anything new within it. In both of those cases I start fantasizing even more about other people.

What I've learned is that sticking with conservative, non-risky behaviors in a relationship is actually a risky behavior all on it's own. Relationships need some level of excitement in order to continue being interesting and in order for the participants to continue growing around each other rather than away from each other. But it can be very scary to expose those parts of ourselves to our partners. My advice is to take a lesson from the fantasies you're having about other women and tell her what you'd like to do with her. If she's up for it, great. If she's not, that'll also be a clue. And if sharing that with her breaks the relationship, well, then it probably needed to be broken anyway. Just be careful to own it. These are things you want, not ways in which she's deficient. Wanting something does not necessarily mean that she is deficient in any way.

As for being alone, this is also tricky. At some point in my life either I figured out how to express this better, or I started dating people who began to understand. I still remember the first relationship in which it was ok to say, "I'd like to do something other than spend time with you right now", and that was really ok. The best way I know to help this along is to focus, especially when you talk to her, on how much more you will appreciate the time that you do spend together if you also have enough time apart to meet your own needs. If you want your time with her to be special, then that's probably a requirement. I know that it is for me.

As for commitment, I just learned this from age and from losing some relationships that I didn't recognize that I really wanted until after they were gone. That led me to be more willing to value, acknowledge, and appreciate later relationships. I don't think I could have done it if I hadn't had those losses earlier. Between experiencing loss, and learning to negotiate what I wanted in a relationship, (a virtual requirement for several areas of my life I'm not allowed to discuss here), I generally negotiated away the parts that I didn't like, (like monogamy), while building relationships that were more valuable and more enduring in my life.

If you want to play with and/or experiment with commitment, try this. Agree with yourself, you don't have to tell her, but agree with yourself to completely commit yourself to that relationship for some fixed period of time, like a week. Or a month. Or a weekend, or whatever you think you can comfortably commit to and maintain. Then mark a calendar and at the end of that time, reconsider. And rethink. Do you want to commit to another time period? Are there things you'd like to change about the relationship or the commitment in order to do another period? if so, then change them in real life. Talk with her about them, (keep the experiment to yourself, but discuss the changes you'd like to see with her). And if not, if you'd like to continue dating other people, then tell her that too. Don't break up. Just tell her that you'd like to date other people. If she thinks that means the two of you need to break up, then that's alright. But there's some possibility that she'll be willing to continue seeing you even if you're dating other people. So leave room for that possibility.

Longer term, you will probably also want to come to better terms with the parts of yourself that you currently think of as "negative". They might be. And if so, then you might want to change them. But they also might not be - they might be the very part of you that you need right now and just aren't recognizing or appreciating.

Thanks for the thoughtful response and especially this quoted part. I was in a 5 year relationship prior to this that I regret losing. I feel like I'm at a similar point except I haven't yet set anything in stone. She is very sexually open, though within monogamous bounds, which is I think where I like to be as well. It isn't the act of being with these women its, I suppose, the derivative products: attention, more love, more affection, etc. She is a real angel and I am proceeding cautiously to try and figure out what is going to work.

I'll really need to think about what my needs are, which of them are reasonable, and which need to be changed. It is difficult to determine which are unreasonable and which are not, I feel like I'm so immersed in my own life that I can't see the forest through the trees.

If you don't leave, you're going to hurt yourself (you're already doing that), and hurt her probably too. I think you care about her a lot - you wouldn't even consider staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy if you didn't. But the first girl that comes along who offers you what you really want ...

My advice (for what's it's worth) if you care about her, leave.

Learning to recognize your needs is an invaluable skill. You'll never be sorry to have developed that one.

I'd encourage you to skip the "reasonable" test, though. "reasonable" isn't really relevant here. "reasonable" just describes what you think other people will accept. So don't limit yourself in that way. Instead, ask them. Find out what they will really accept rather than guessing at it.

Figure out what you want, even if it's unreasonable. Then ask for it. If the other person or other people aren't willing to accept it, they'll tell you. And they'll generally tell you so without throwing the whole relationship away. People don't generally say, "No, I don't want to go to the movie with you tonight and I'm so offended that you asked that I'm going to sue/kill/maim you for asking." I mean, it happens, but it's vanishingly rare.

One of the biggest barriers to happiness is people limiting themselves... for whatever reason. My advice is to let other people maintain their own boundaries. You might be surprised to find out that both you and your partner want the same thing, despite the fact that you were both afraid the other would think it unreasonable.

it's kind of like the old couple who eventually discovers that they've been going to the same restaurant for decades even though they both hate it because each thought the other liked it. It's likely that at some point in time they were both trying to be polite and said something nominally positive that the other person interpreted as liking it, so they kept going back over and over and over. All that discomfort, just because they weren't about to speak plainly about what they did and didn't like.

Asking for something unreasonable is how I started practicing poly. And it was one of the best things I've ever done both in terms of my own personal growth as well as in terms of my happiness with life.

How's the line from Alice go? "It's a rare day that I don't ask for six unreasonable things before breakfast"?

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I am pretty sure the Alice in Wonderland quote is about her father having said that he often believed in "six impossible things" before breakfast