Getting over his poor self esteem

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I'm an NT woman in love with an Aspie male. Has taken me a long time to really get to know him and I have learned to be direct, subtle hints and body language don't cut it!
The biggest barrier to getting our relationship from friends to more (work still in progress!) is his low self esteem. If I genuinely compliment him, he finds it hard to accept and when we have a particularly good time together, he will often go "off radar" for a while like he needs to recuperate. Anyone else had experience of this?

I do not want to change him, just to understand him, I admire and care about him very much but this hot then cold behaviour is difficult. I don't want to scare him or put him off - so should I just frankly tell him that I would like to have a gf relationship with him or should I wait until he makes a move?

You are intuiting the situation correctly. After having intense or prolonged (in aspie terms) interpersonal interaction, withdrawal is often needed for recuperation.


It will scare him off if he is not interested in a committed intimate relationship. Or if he is the sort who feels utterly incapable of initiating, he may welcome your advance.

I don't see how the hot/cold behavior would be impacted by either choice on your part.


Assuming that his self esteem is the barrier; I don't know anything you (or anyone) could do to help him get over it. Self esteem is just that; it's not companion esteem, colleague esteem or girlfriend esteem. It resides solely within the self and is only changed within the self.


Who is doing this work? I ask because at the end of many NTwoman/ASman relationships the reason one of the parties wants out is because the NTwoman has done all the work; all the advancing, all the planning, all the waiting, all the learning, all the translating, all the teaching, all the nurturing, all the supporting and all the "understanding". This is the nurturing NTwoman / locked-inside ASman, paradigm wherein the woman is pushing things along and the man self-protectively withdraws. The end point is an exhausted unfulfilled woman and/or an exhausted overwhelmed man.

This is not the only NTwoman/ASman paradigm, but it's common enough. The signs, however, are easy to read. If the woman is doing all the work; that couple is engaged in this paradigm. Another paradigm is that both are working in the relationship and the man simply needs more time apart to process and recoup.

PS: The last time I made a relationship suggestion on WP where I referred to work within relationships; there were numerous responses to the effect that relationships should not be about work; relationships should be about enjoyment. I am submitting that they most definitely should be about enjoyment and if the work component is exhausting or overwhelming, then it's not fulfilling.

I agree with this, for the most part. I would add though that being treated by another as though you have value can sometimes be the trigger that helps you recognize that value within yourself. The work, the changes made, are still internal. An outside person cannot give you self esteem. But consistent positive treatment from another can certainly help.



absolutely right. The work is an essential part of a healthy relationship. But the purpose of that work should be mutual happiness and fulfillment. If the work is so overwhelming that one loses those feelings (in the long term anyway, even the best couples have rocky patches) then it is not a healthy relationship.

OK...........a trigger that initiates an internal process of self revaluation.

Backtracking to the definitions of self esteem; this is from Wikipedia:

Self-esteem is a disposition that a person has which represents their judgements of their own worthiness.[5] In the mid 1960s, Morris Rosenberg and social-learning theorists defined self-esteem as a personal worth or worthiness.[6] Nathaniel Branden in 1969 defined self-esteem as "the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness." According to Branden, self-esteem is the sum of self-confidence a feeling of personal capacity and self-respect a feeling of personal worth. It exists as a consequence of the implicit judgement that every person has of their ability to face life's challenges, to understand and solve problems, and their right to achieve happiness, and be given respect.[7] [Bolding mine -ML]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-esteem

I think Braden's definition of self respect best applies to Hotcup's post as it alludes to what underlies self esteem; self judgement.

Hotcups; are you saying that the biggest barrier to getting your relationship "from friends to more" is his self-judgement that he has poor ability to face life's challenges; to understand and solve problems, thus he lacks the right to achieve happiness, and be given respect?

If so, can demonstrating that you value him, trigger him to overcome such a self-judgement?

Is he poor at facing life's challenges, understanding and solving problems?