Unhappy and feeling stuck.

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In a depression. Need to talk and feel like someone is listening. So... Hi, WP.

The past few months have been hard.
My best-friend-baby-girl-cat-Sagira (see profile pic) died in April.
I am still crying about that.

I had managed to keep full time employment for over a year and a half.
But I quit in April and I have just been a floppy loser couch potato since then.

I am married, but I rarely see my husband due to his work.
He comes home for 3 days at a time, usually about every 3 weeks.

I am unhappy about our relationship. And I am depressed because I feel stuck. I don't want to be this listless person with no motivation to do anything. And I am so angry that I am. We got married because I am obviously a hot mess. I needed help. I couldn't function alone. But I've never been madly in love with him, or in love with him at all really, so I've always been kind of resentful at times-- because I need him, but I don't want to and I wish I could take care of myself. I wish I was this strong, kick ass, confident woman. But sadly, I'm not.

I feel like I was able to work for awhile because he was helping me. He had a job where he was home every day. And he would do nice things like make me lunch and put gas in my car. So I didn't have too many things that were stressing me. But I don't feel like I can work right now, because I can't take care of myself properly and I get all freaked out by every little thing I have to do like taking the trash out or going to the store to buy cat food. I'm so angry at myself. I feel so stupid and helpless.

And I'm just really lonely. We talk on the phone every day, but, I got married for pragmatic reasons, not his scintillating wit. So usually we are always fighting because I'm not a nice person. I try sometimes to be a nice person, but I fail, ok? So I usually can't stand how boring and stupid he is in a conversation and I will say, "You are being boring and stupid." Which, of course, just makes him annoyed with me and does not make him any more entertaining.

I don't have Sagira anymore. I don't have any friends that I could hang out with. I feel like my family doesn't love me that much. And I am no good at romantic relationships. I want love. I feel like I don't have it because I suck as a person and don't deserve it.

Wow... that sounds tough. I'll be thinking of you. I was in a five-year marriage that was in many ways similar: I never loved him and found him boring and irritating, and couldn't keep a "nice" front up all the time; I stayed because I was depressed, incapable, and terrified of being left alone; the result was that I resented him and liked him even less. I also know what those thoughts feel like about not having love because you don't deserve it-- I have them every day and they are horrible. When you feel that way about yourself, it's impossible to get motivated to do anything to improve your life, because it feels like it's doomed from the outset, am I right?

Sorry I can't offer any help/advice but you have my sympathies.

I am sorry that you are sad. It really sucks to lose a dear kitty that you love. They are little lights of sweetness in the world.

Minotaurheadcheese, thank you for your reply.
Yes, I guess I do have a mindset of doom.
It helps to hear you understand.
I hope you are in a more happier and capable place now, although... if you too have a mindset of doom, it could be from all that cheese on your head. Cheese can be quite heavy.

Glasstoria, thank you. Kitties are little lights of sweetness! I like that expression.

To be honest, accepting your situation and your feelings takes a certain amount of strength in itself so you should be proud of that. I think you would benefit from Cognitive behavioural therapy and confidence building so it might be worth asking your local doctor to refer you to someone who can help you.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and using victim thinking as it isn't productive and it isn't going to help your situation, you are responsible for your actions and now you have started to take responsibility, you will start to feel the need to change. You don't have love because your perception and core beliefs are distorted, you need to work with is willing to focus on making that positive change with you. You can't expect your husband have the same understanding of what to do or to be a psychologist, he is only your husband.

Thank you, but no, that would not be helpful. At all.


No, feeling sad isn't going to change my situation. But you know what? People feel sad. And that's normal. And telling someone that they should just stop feeling sorry for themselves and stop being a victim isn't productive either. The problem is not my core beliefs, it is my core reality. So if CBT works for you, that's great. But don't assume that everyone who is depressed about their life situation is just being a whiny victim, who could turn their life around if only they would take more responsibility and challenge their negative thoughts. Dude, let me assure you, more analyzing of my thoughts is NOT a weak point of mine. I am not lacking the desire to change. I am lacking the money, means, and resources. Therefore, I will continue to stay in my current relationship, because that is my best option. I do not prefer homelessness. Does that mean I'm giving up and I am never going to challenge myself? No. But I'm old enough and I've had enough spectacular failures to know my limits. Can I function 100% on my own? No. It's sucks. I'm angry about it. Psychologists don't help people. They just send you to Psychiatrists to give you drugs. Drugs don't work for me. So when my brain doesn't work and I CAN'T DO SOMETHING, there is no magic pill to make it all better and zen it all away into a happy BS stupor.

One thing I would suggest is talking to someone with your state's office for people with disabilities. Usually, they have programs where you can get the resources needed to function on your own (job training, employment services, etc.) I am in a similar program myself.

But you shouldn't stay in a relationship or marriage if you're not happy. Do you have other friends or family you can live with?

I was on SSD for several years and I have no desire to go back to that, even if I could, which would involve a lot of time and jumping through hoops and putting up with doctors and other stupid bureaucratic people. The fact that I have a degree actually hurts me too. I don't need job training, I need my coping skills to be at a more consistent level so that I can function at a full time job. I need to not sleep for days at a time, impervious to screeching alarms beseeching me to wake up, etc.

Anyway, it's all the same in my mind. I don't want to be dependent on the government anymore than I want to be dependent on a husband. I don't want to be dependent on anyone.

That is the reason I am frustrated. I am angry I can't depend on myself all the time, I do well for awhile, I have bursts of productivity or I can maintain function if everyone around me is doing nice soothing things, but I can't adapt well or quickly enough to be consistently 100% independent.

It's just like, man, I have been working on trying to get my act together since I was a teenager.
And people try to say nice helpful things like- oh, but look how far you've come!
And, ok, thanks, but, I'm 33.

Ten years ago, I felt like there would be an end in sight. I felt like if I worked really hard I could eventually work everything out to a level of crazy that would be manageable. I could get to a place in life where I could be in a healthy relationship, have a sort of crooked white picket fence, but still, you know, get there, get the things I wanted in life-- be happy, accomplish personal goals, etc., etc.

And now, I see that there isn't.
Life is always going to be exactly this kind of a struggle for me.
And that's... sad.

So, I know guys typically try to fix things and offer advice, and I appreciate you trying to be helpful.
But, I do not want people to tell me what to do about it, because I already know there isn't anything more to be done.
I just wanted to say that it sucks and have someone say- oh, that's too bad. Or- oh, I know how you feel.

I hate feeling down. I really, really do. I guess I'm glad I like to write short stories. Yeah. It seems like I'm just getting older and accomplishing nothing. Over the years I've found being incredibly busy is my only hope. Maybe it is.

If you don't want advice, what do you want or expect? To reinforce your negative self beliefs and agree with your perceptions on how you see yourself?

I've already answered that question.

If you feel the need to respond again, I can't prevent you.
But I will not be responding to any more of your comments/questions on this thread.
I was already feeling down. I do not need to be criticized. I have no need to defend myself to you.
If you don't want to listen, that's fine.
But I am choosing to ignore negative comments from this point and I will only be responding to the nice or supportive ones.

"Need to talk and feel like someone is listening"
boom there you go, the answer was in the op the whole time

What do you write stories about?

I also like to write and I find it therapeutic. It can be hard though too, because when I write something I like, I want to share it with someone, and that can bring me down again! When people make me upset, I like to make up very melodramatic stories where they are the villain. I find it amusing.

I like being busy. Once I'm doing something, I'm ok. I have a lot of trouble switching my attention and starting new things. I need like a drill sergeant person to follow me around and boss me the right way. But you know, nice, and not really too drill sergeant-y.

Thanks for listening.

I also added extra clarification...

Ha, in all seriousness, thanks for sharing. (sorry about your cat)
I really relate to that feeling of just not being able to be totally independent.
It's not a nice feeling and positive thought doesn't erase disability or circumstance.
There is value in taking time to feel what you feel and to process. There are some harsh realities involved in being a woman, in being married, in being disabled (If you don't consider your asd a disability I apologize) and I think there is on some level a grieving process for the kind of life you want, but can't have. Ex. I can't drive, I will never be able to drive. It's a real limitation, it makes me dependent on other people and makes me feel like less of an adult. I'm sad about that and it's okay to be sad about things like that I think.

If you are going to complain about a situation without the willingness to change it, you shouldn't be surprised when people question you.