Another NT girl curious about her possibly aspie boyfriend.

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I know this topic comes up a lot in this forum (I have found many helpful things on this site), and I apologize for laying it out again. I understand that everyone's experience with Asperger's is a little bit different, so I'm here to ask for your thoughts regarding my boyfriend of one year and our relationship. Upon meeting him, most people (self included) DO notice that he's slightly different in some way, but after a year of spending a great deal of time with him, it seems obvious to me that he's a high functioning aspie. He is such a nice, smart, fashionable, shy (but friendly) person, but when it comes to expressing emotions, responding to others' emotions, or managing social situations, it's like he hits a physical barrier. My NT friends laugh at me when I tell them my suspicions, or tell me it's wrong to google-diagnose people. I'm definitely not certified to diagnose him, but I do feel STRONGLY that Asperger's is entirely possible, and have mentioned it to him. He is considering the matter himself and we're taking steps to figure it out. Probably starting with that online quiz, then moving on to a specialist if he's comfortable with it. I'm not trying to "fix" him--I love him just the way he is--but I do think that "knowing" whether he has the syndrome or not will help us both.

Here we go. I'll just list some of his characteristics. Let me know what you think, and thank you!


Traits that make me suspect Asperger's:
(he's 29, by the way)
- He'll talk about his day when asked, or engage in a fairly regular conversation about music or politics, but does not ask about my day, my projects, etc. He'll listen when I tell him, though!
- He NEVER compliments my looks, clothes, accomplishments, etc. Ever.
- He will, however, point out small things that I do that he finds unusual, dangerous, or annoying (but he's not mean about it)
- He has his interests, (tropical fish, jewelry, music, plants), but he doesn't tend to 'ramble' about them, so I don't know how "deep" his interests are
- He was bullied throughout his school years
- He spent a lot of time "doing his own thing" as a kid, including doodling detailed battle strategies between armies.
- Whenever I express a concern, he does not know the "right" way to dispel it. Example: a female friend of his recently visited, someone very important to his childhood. He was very excited about it and had all kinds of plans to take her places--something he rarely does for me. They were very chummy and affectionate. When I explained to him that the contrast [the way he treats me vs. the way he treats her] made me feel like he wasn't excited about me or that he didn't want me anymore, he didn't say anything. Most people would say something like "of course I want you!" at that point.
- He has a kind of monotone voice and only smiles when he is greeting people he doesn't see very often, like my friends. I do make him laugh however, and he does smile when he is teasing me sometimes. Do aspies tease? Sorry if that's a stupid question.
- Unless I invite him out, he just goes home from work and stays until it's time to go to work the next morning. He is generally happy to go out, though.
- He does okay meeting new people and likes going to parties with me, but has described feeling nervous in large crowds.
- Here's a BIG one, and really the only thing I CAN'T deal with: he's a very conscious person when it comes to gay rights and feminism, etc, very supportive and smart. However, around my friends and even people he's JUST met, he will blurt out the most INAPPROPRIATE sexual jokes. They are almost always sexual in nature, and though everyone involved looks uncomfortable, he'll just keep going until someone says something. And even when I bring it up later, he'll say "What? No, they loved that joke!" or something. It gives me anxiety to bring him around people sometimes! (though most of my friends are used to it and seem to understand that he's an okay guy and it's just something he "can't help", even if we don't know if it's aspergers or not).
- He taps his leg a lot
- Whenever I've asked him to tell me how he feels about me, or tell me something he likes about me, he'll get tongue-tied and uncomfortable. He describes feeling like everything in his head turns to mush in his mouth.
- I've asked if he would feel comfortable writing his good thoughts about me in a notebook for me to look at later, and he says he doesn't know if he can.
- He has a great memory.
- He doesn't do little "sweet" things, or anything to show that his feelings for me inspire him to think of ways to make me happy. He does cook for me, though, and will do pretty much anything I ask. He just doesn't do them unasked, even the things I do to sort of set an example (make him little notes, buy him small things that he's mentioned needing, etc). Of course I do those things because they make him happy, too! But in my NT mind, I feel like if someone were doing those things for me, it would compel me to do things for them sometimes.
- He never pushes my hand away when I touch him, but I can tell he's not "into it".
- He has described his apartment as his safe space
- After watching "Mary & Max" (excellent movie about a man with Aspergers), he mentioned being able to relate to needing things to "balance", even though I can't physically observe this in his habits.
- His face is often blank
- He doesn't know what to do when I'm crying



Typical aspie traits he [u]doesn't have:[/u]
- He doesn't "ramble" on about specific subjects
- His place is a mess (not a compulsive cleaner)
- He is perfectly fine with eye contact; in fact, his father made him a pro at the "staring" contest. He can out-stare anyone!
- I've never seen him have an outburst, over anything. Actually, whenever I bring up a something that is bothering me, he listens patiently and is not defensive. However, when he tries to explain himself, he fails, gets nervous, and has to lie on his back and breathe (basically, he has an anxiety attack . . . is this a "shut down"?). In the days following a situation like this, however, I notice that he takes steps to "right" the things I was concerned about (i.e., showing me more physical affection, stopping the behaviors that annoy me . . . just like anyone would do).
- He is not distracted by shiny or spinning objects, as far as I know
- He listens to his TV and music very loud, and does not seem to be sensitive to light. If there is music he DOESN'T like, however, he is annoyed.
- He doesn't ever just get up and leave
- He is DEFINITELY not shy about sex!


The GOOD stuff!
- He cooks delicious food for me!
- He likes to share his favorite shows/restaurants with me
- He NEVER says "no" when I want to come over
- He is a great listener and doesn't interrupt
- We are very comfortable with each other, in silence or when talking
- We have a really good time together
- He loves his cats! Cats rule!
- He's just an average, good boyfriend, and I know he loves me because he has many small ways of showing it and he's not an as*hole to me or to anyone. He's so nice! He just doesn't do nice "boyfriend" things, but if something like asperger's is stopping him, that's okay!
- Once, when I was trying to explain to him that his inability to express how he fees about me (this was before I suspected AS), I burst out crying and explained that it made me feel replaceable. He said "I care about us," and then, "that was really hard for me to say." He also said: "Stop worrying. I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me." Here's the thing, and why I need to know so bad: Have any of you ever said something like that just so the other person would stop crying? Or would a "lie" like that be hard? I know people with AS can form very strong attachments with just one person, but I can never tell if he's attached to me like that. Just curious. What are your relationships like? Have you ever been deeply attached to someone, but unable to show it? If you were able to express your feelings, how did you go about it?

And what do you think? Does my guy have AS?

Sorry this was so long. I've had a long time to think about it and greatly appreciate and value your thoughts/opinions/insights. Please know that I wouldn't change him for the world. I only bring things up to him when it's really bothering me. Really, all I want---that I don't already have---is to see more outward signs that he wants me to be happy, without having to ask. That, and for the inappropriate jokes to stop. I just want to know one way or another, so that we can work through it together and continue to work well together. I would never push him to do something he can't do, or something that is just too stressful. However, I will encourage and support him if he wants to try things that are difficult for him.

Thank you.

I am no expert but have AS myself (diagnosed) and I don't have everything one the list, but it sounds to me like he does. As for some of the way he treats things like telling innapropriate jokes and things like that just try to explain in a clear, concise way how that makes you feel. If your not blunt he'll never get it (but obviously do it in a kind way too). As for everything else, it's just the way he is, but communication would definitely help him understand and he'll hopefully try a bit harder for you.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond. I always try to be as clear but gentle when I bring this stuff up---especially now that I suspect AS. He's surprised most of the time, or doesn't remember the incident, and sometimes he seems frustrated and disappointed with himself when I point these things out. I suspect that he's used to hearing this stuff and used to people getting upset with him or rejecting him, and has learned to avoid certain behaviors. That could be why he's made it so long w/o a diagnosis, if indeed he has AS.

haha . . ."clear and gentle". I sound like a soap commercial!

The messy apartment IS an Asperger's trait. It's part of the executive functioning issue many with the disorder have. The home of someone with the condition will usually be either very organized or very disorganized, depending on their need to order that part of their life. For example, I am fairly certain I have it and I have fairly bad problems in this area. I have needed to clean my bedroom for 5 months now and can't get myself to do it. It just becomes overwhelming and I wind up in bed all day, except for when I go to work or have some other obligation to meet.

Remember that part of Asperger's is black and white thinking and many things in an aspie's life will be extremes. IF, for example, I got my house organized, I would then go to the opposite extreme and spend all day, every day attending to the minorest of details to perfect my home and keep it that way. So, my home swings to both ends of the extreme as it can almost look like something off of "Hoarders" one month, and be completely spotless the next. My car also goes from neglect to extreme attention to maintenance. Fortunately, this swings often enough that my cars are very well maintained. Back to the subject at hand, Aspies tend to be a study in extremes. Most of the time, there is no gray area in their thinking and logic. It can sometimes be learned to a degree but even someone like me who has learned to use a little gray area in some places will still tend to default back to black and white thinking when stressed or tired. It will never be natural for them to see the world in less than absolute terms.

I'm also very curious to hear about your relationships as aspies. Is it easy to articulate how you felt about your partner in a forum like this, but just not in person? What emotions expressed by your partner surprised you? What things--if any--did you notice about their feelings that weren't spelled out for you? What kind of nice thoughts did you have about them? Did you form strong attachments or feel distant? Did you ever feel the "need" or desire to do sweet things for them (give them flowers, take them out to dinner), or is that just a thought that doesn't come up? If it does come up, is it difficult to act on? Do you feel like you'll do it wrong or something, and fear rejection? What are the most helpful things your partner could do for you?

Hope I'm not being rude. Just curious and looking for ways to be helpful to my guy.

Thank you for clearing that up for me, outofplace! Yes, certain things (like decorations that are important to him) he keeps fairly organized. Everything else---dishes, bathroom, cat hair, shoes everywhere, clothes everywhere . . . mess! But a messy apartment is a trait I've seen in many an NT boyfriend, so I wasn't sure.

Thanks for the insight. Here's to hoping you find that special woman for date two, and then some.

I don't know if he's aspie or not, but he could be, or a least be on the spectrum. You are a very sweet girl to seek to understand him better. If he agrees with your hunch, I hope it inspires him to make efforts to better relate to you as well. Good luck to the both of you.