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This was going to be advice to someone on another thread, but it ended up being about me. So, here it is:

(When a guy goes distant) - Be distant with him and it'll arouse his curiosity. Don't talk about emotions. Don't talk about where I am in the relationship. If he ignores me, ignore him. Don't go out of my way for him. Give him one-word answers, or not very well thought out replies. Don't reply everytime. To summarise - treat him not as a friend, but as an aquaintance.

Yet, the above isn't that useful on it's own. It's more complicated than that. Gaaaaahhh!!

I have this thought that if someone was going to be with me, they would have to accept me totally for who I am. The above ISN'T who I am. Ignoring someone, and leaving them be, to me, is boring. Yet sometimes, it brings someone back. Trying to solve things rationally by talking about it, just sends him away. To talk about it is my natural reaction.

What's the point in having a relationship if the person you're with, doesn't know how to listen to you when you're upset, and doesn't seem to care? I'm probably missing a major point, here. Yet, I meet guys who are more than happy to talk about their problems, but won't listen to me about mine, even though they complain about theirs the most.

I still try to be open-minded that perhaps one day, a guy will come along who actually shows interest in who I am, and wants to make an effort too. But, I'm beginning to doubt that, and I wonder what the point is in having a relationship, when you have to fight and ignore your own feelings all the time in order to make it work. I think I'm ready to give up.

have a relationship with yourself first, which will better prepare you to have a relationship with somebody else.

I *like* who I am. How do I have a relationship with myself?

from my own limited experience, i have found that i couldn't really "get" other people until i figured out what i was all about.

If you constantly have to fight your feelings in order to make it work, it's not a (good) relationship. Full stop. Both parties should be allowed to fully express their feelings to each other.

Playing games is usually a tricky thing.
Yes they may help you keep someone around for x amount of time but if you are limiting yourself to what some book/whatever told you you are going to need to cut the relationship soon if you want to feel good with yourself.


As for finding someone that likes you for who you are: One of my biggest challenges right now is opening up and showing who I am once Ive been around someone for some time.
For example I used to hang out with this guy for over 2 months(met one time a week on a group setting), we didnt actually get to know each other until one day everyone left and he and I just stayed around to have some beers/talk.
That day we found out how close we actually were and we have been meeting off-group for a while(similar interests I call him when Im doing something, he calls me when he is doing something...)
If I hadnt ended up with nothing better to do that evening he and we would probably still be treating each other as acquaintances and truth is most people I meet have issues waiting for an occasion like this and they get tired of waiting.

Can you talk to people about yourself quite easily? If not this may be holding you back(most guys probably assume that you arent interested/they are going to have to do all the work and look for someone that opens up in a way that they are more comfortable with).

Sabretooth, I sympathize and can relate to your experience a bit.
It is tough call deciding what to do when someone you love and want to spend time with doesn't want to spend time with you. Or at least appear to not want to spend time with you.

Game playing is exhausting. Find things to do to feel good about yourself...and by default, you will be too busy and thus will be ignoring him.

Good luck.

Very true. Books don't really work. Having said that though, they have helped me with friendships. Basically, don't expect anything and if someone does act kindly, it's a bonus. I can't apply it to relationships though.



I like it when that happens. Someone you know, but never speak to, and one day you have quite a decent conversation. Funnily enough, I've always quickly lost touch with people like that. I hope your friendship flourishes, though. Was he from that social group you go to?



I find opening up is very difficult. I'm OK with small talk. It's boring, but it's predictable. But it's boring. Telling people how I feel on the other hand - I think I feel more strongly about most things than other people, which puts them off. I respond I think in a way which is too OTT for people. I don't even rant or say more than a few things about something. I think perhaps people think I'm too critical. When I hold back though, I feel so fake.

Also, as soon as I get involved in a subject I'm interested in, people usually change the subject or look down or very distracted. I analyse things too much (for them), and when I start coming out with things that I think would interest people as well as me - they're put off. It could be something that makes me happy or sad. I don't tend to talk about negative topics, but people interpret them that way. I was told once that I didn't appear interested in what I spoke about. I was told by someone else that I get an intense expression on my face when I speak about something I'm interested in. One friend even told me to speak to a psychologist when I was analysing myself. I love analysing myself and other people. It's a big interest of mine and it makes me happy. People don't want to touch that with a bargepole, so I don't bring it up.

I think because my views on things, whatever the topic, appear a little strong - I have to hold back so I don't make others uncomfortable. It sucks big time. I can't be myself.

I think it'll take a lifetime for me to figure that out.



True.



That's true, too, and thank you. I do have nothing to do at the moment. Everything has had to held back because a relative was in hospital, and it's had a domino effect on things. Everything is going to start happening tomorrow. At least I've got that to look forward to.

Ive learnt quite a bit from books that showed why x or y behaviour was wrong and how you could work on avoiding it however books that expect you to limit yourself and follow a certain set of rules arent really my thing.


Local church meetings.
My parents were a bit worried about me staying in too frequently, I had issues with my current friends, someone from church group invited me to a weekly event that was very close to where I studied and ended late and they said that they were open to agnostics, atheists... as long as they were respectful of their opinion. Havent been there in about 2 months but it was enough for my parents at the time and I may consider going back in September if its not too far.

I once read some advice about the need to start talking without processing what you are saying when you meet someone and seeing where the conversation went.
Apparently you are likelier to make a more entertaining conversation than by playing it safe and making sure you are saying "the right thing"(The guy mentioned something about think before you speak is ok for job interviews/talking to your parents... but you need to do something else around new people otherwise you come across as boring)

If you are having a hard time talking to people for the first time Id suggest you try to meet some new people knowing that if they react badly you probably wont see them again and letting yourself go.
Right now Im meeting strangers at social clubs and being told that I need to work on speaking slowlerly. Apparently people that know you are usually afraid of pointing out your mistakes and those that just met you have no issues with this,
Look for whatever could work for you but it seems like you may need to work on this first.