Am I being a desperate jackass?

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Intrepid_Squirrel
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31 Jul 2012, 2:05 pm

I'm in a sort of mid life crisis (but at 21). I've lived an uneventful life due to my social anxiety and my therapist and I have recently both agreed that social exposure it the best treatment for it (i.e. school clubs). As a part of this, I've taken my newfound courage to get into the dating scene. I know for a fact that my social skills are really crude and undeveloped. I can't have a conversation that lasts more than 10 minutes...

Now, the dilemma is that a girl from one of my classes seems pretty interested in me. I am not particularly attracted to her, but I wondered if I should ask her out on a date. I'm looking at a date with her as more of a chance to try and connect to someone and develop social skills. I'm not sure if I'm in denial but I don't know if I'm just using this girl or if I am being open-minded.

I don't know what to do. Am I being desperate and just trying to find a date?



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31 Jul 2012, 2:23 pm

I dunno, maybe you need a little experience just to get rid of that initial worry you have that you're missing out.

Just my experience on the subject, jumping in with a girl that isn't right isn't a good thing you want to get yourself trapped in. You would be using her, unless you foresee yourself liking her more once things get going. If she's got a genuine like for you but all you've got in return is a wish to find out what everythings like, i'd probably hold off a little myself.

Although of course, i guess maybe i just take things like that too seriously. It could just be a case that she's equally wanting to see what things are like. She's obviously just as young and inexperienced as you. Maybe it would do you both some good to get some feedback on what you really like in another person and i guess experience is one of the only things that could give you the information on the subject. Just i do think that i would worry a lot about the girl getting too attached and breaking her heart. I personally would probably spare her and wait until i found a girl that I was more certain of.



aspiemike
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31 Jul 2012, 3:36 pm

I think I agree with Unbored. If you could find a comfortable setting for both of you and get to know her, that would be a decent idea as well. Avoid private settings, like yours or her house/apartment. And don't once imply that you are on a date with her, or say you are. Sometimes making friends with girls may lead you to meeting other girls that you might be interested in.



PastFixations
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31 Jul 2012, 4:08 pm

Well... I did this on my first relationship which I do class it as after realising my need for one and... well I didn't end up becoming attracted to her but still I think it's best to test the waters and see how you get on.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to just see how it goes and then analyse the situation, if you feel it's not going anywhere after a month or so then just say that you feel that it's not really working for you and that your sorry that it couldn't work out.


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NTAndrew
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31 Jul 2012, 5:35 pm

You're not being a jackass. Go out on a date with this woman.

You'll be nervous. She will be too. You might say something that you later wish you hadn't. She'll do the same. It's all good.



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31 Jul 2012, 6:17 pm

Intrepid_Squirrel wrote:
I'm in a sort of mid life crisis (but at 21). I've lived an uneventful life due to my social anxiety and my therapist and I have recently both agreed that social exposure it the best treatment for it (i.e. school clubs). As a part of this, I've taken my newfound courage to get into the dating scene. I know for a fact that my social skills are really crude and undeveloped. I can't have a conversation that lasts more than 10 minutes...

Now, the dilemma is that a girl from one of my classes seems pretty interested in me. I am not particularly attracted to her, but I wondered if I should ask her out on a date. I'm looking at a date with her as more of a chance to try and connect to someone and develop social skills. I'm not sure if I'm in denial but I don't know if I'm just using this girl or if I am being open-minded.

I don't know what to do. Am I being desperate and just trying to find a date?


Girls/women tend to be a lot more open to "just being friends" than boys/men are.I don't think it would hurt to ask her if she'd like to do something. If you find you just aren't romantically interested in her there is a fairly good chance she will be receptive to being friends instead as long as you don't breach the subject in an insulting way.



JanuaryMan
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31 Jul 2012, 7:25 pm

Use the date to practice but don't lead her on. Make it sound like a date but go out as if you were friends.
After a couple just quit then. Nice and simple. :)



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31 Jul 2012, 8:14 pm

Starters you're no jackass, its just a brain that you have that leads you to sometimes having others think of you as one (...hopefully thats not some sort of internal rationalization for my behaviors....but I dont think that it is..) but yeah; lead her on and she'll bite you in the butt once you try walking off. Just be cool sweetie.

The best thing that you can do For Her is physical space. Dont let her get close to her physically and you can talk to her as is normal. If you keep your body away and not look at hers or hint that youve looked at hers in that way, sexually, then it keeps the thoughts upstairs. She'll get it. If she's a desperate jackass, she will stalk you. But if you throw things at her, she'll likely go away. But. Its probably not good to do that.



hyperlexian
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31 Jul 2012, 8:32 pm

i think your best bet is to ask her out as a friend or not at all. she has feelings of her own and she does not deserve to be treated as an experiment or a "practice date". if you didn't know she was interested, there would be less worry about leading her on, but since you do know and are not reciprocating then this can't end well if you take her on an actual date.

you can be straight up with her that you'd like to hang out sometime, but make it clear it is just as friends. that will give you practice with socialisation without leading her on to expect more.


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thewhitrbbit
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31 Jul 2012, 9:36 pm

It's a difficult question.

I think that if you have no attraction to her, it's doing her a disservice to go out with her and give her hope.

If your sort of on the fence, I would say do it, you never know how it might go.



Wolfheart
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31 Jul 2012, 10:59 pm

thewhitrbbit wrote:
It's a difficult question.

I think that if you have no attraction to her, it's doing her a disservice to go out with her and give her hope.

If your sort of on the fence, I would say do it, you never know how it might go.


I agree, you are cheating yourself and cheating her so in a way, you will be leading her on or down the garden path and that's not something you really want to do.



PastFixations
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01 Aug 2012, 6:07 am

Hmmm... hate to say it but it's not really wise to do so after much consideration.
I mean we'd hate it if it happened to us that we'd just be a practice date...
If you believe that you truly don't find anything about her attractive, then by all means do not lead her on.
Just be friends for now and if you start to develop feelings for this girl then maybe it could work but it's possible you'd be friend-zoned.
There's something to be gained which is a possible friend out of all this.


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