Withdrawal advice please?

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Hi everyone, I am new here. I was hoping that someone could perhaps give me advice on withdrawals.

I am a neurotypical female in a long-term relationship with an Aspie; he has been diagnosed, he told me he has Aspergers very early on in the relationship. I didn't know Aspergers had such an impact on relationships. At the time, I didn't quite understand how it effected him, until a few months ago, when I started researching Aspergers.

I have so far read 2 books about Aspergers, the ones I have read haven't covered this topic which is why I wanted to find out more about it and I thought this might be the best place to ask.

I am currently going through a situation where my boyfriend is withdrawing and we haven't spoken for about a week. This is making me feel a little worried, as I haven't received any reply from a text I sent 2 days ago. I feel a little ignored, although I am aware that he may not be doing this intentionally. This type of thing has happened in the past and it was a very confusing and upsetting time for me when it did happen, because at the time I wasn't aware of it being related to Aspergers.

I was wondering, if the Aspie was withdrawing, what's the best way for the NT deal with this type of situation?

Is this something that happens often in Aspie/NT relationships?

All help is appreciated, thank you.

Last edited by Night_Shade917 on 04 Apr 2012, 7:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Up to a few days is fair enough if he's upset - but 2 weeks? Do you really want that?

This doesn't happen very often at all and the last time this did happen was about 2 years ago. When it does happen, it really confuses me and I am just trying to understand why this happens and how to deal with it when it does occur.

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years, I don't want to quit when we have come this far. I still love him and want to make it work.

Maybe he feels like he needs some time to himself. Not that you initiated that but more to do with himself.
I doubt that he means to do it provokatively (Wow, that's a big word.) to make you react.
Perhaps he is within himself as you say, sometimes we have to find our answers on our own.
I hope the issue is resolved and that you are both happy. =]
Actually, you may have to guide him to understand what your ideal relationship is and to tell him honestly how you need love which is not occuring from your side.

Indeed, you have some valid points there. I think I will probably focus on reading more books about it . I will take your advice on board. Thank you for your help, it is much appreciated.

For me when I withdraw from the people in my life it's because I'm overloaded and stressed and talking to people, even family requires more energy than I have at the time. I usually don't see that I've withdrawn until my friend points out its been days or longer since we have talked and when I did talk it was short one word answers to her questions. It's a lot to deal with on your side of the relationship. The only advice I have is to be patient with him. It helps me to know that when it does pass my friend is still there so keep talking to him. When he's talking again explain to him what's its like for you when he withdraws and get him to explain his side.  

Thank you Wanderinggrl, your advice has been very helpful! I think I am starting to see his side of things a lot better, now that I know why this may be and that it's just something he feels he has to do from time to time. I will try my best to be as patient as I can with him during this time.

It's going to be a little hard to get him to explain to me what he feels during these withdrawals because he's not very open with me about it. Usually, when he's talking again I'd ask why he didn't talk to me for so long and he'd either say; "I can't remember" or "No reason". I feel that maybe he just doesn't know how to put how he's feeling during that time into words? Is there a way to perhaps get him to open up and talk to me about it?

I dont know how he is at explaining feelings but I'm horrible at explaining them. So  i wouldnt really have an answer for what my feelings where during that time either. I know I feel bad for withdrawing from the person for awhile so that could be why he doesn't want to talk about it. I came to this forum and and found other members explaining how it felt for them and used their quotes in an email to explain it to my friend. It was the only adequate way I could explain what was going on. 

Yeah, I totally understand about the explaining feelings thing and I've noticed it is hard for him to explain because he probably can't find the right words to explain it exactly. I think it is a bit of a sensitive subject because he probably does feel bad for withdrawing, but he shouldn't feel bad because I have learnt not to take it personally. I do think both reasons you mentioned are most likely the reasons why he won't talk about it. I think that probably talking to other aspies will also help me with this and give me some sort of indication of what he may he thinking or feeling. You have a very good understanding of this and just speaking to you about it has already helped me out a lot I really appreciate it!

Im glad I could help. It's a learning process for me as well so you are helping me out too. 

Of course I am happy I could help aswell, if you'd like to talk about anything at all you can always message me any time and I'll be happy to share what I know with you

I'm a female aspie and I literally just went through an episode where I was having a really hard week with agoraphobia and anxiety. Sometimes I just can't handle more than just surviving and taking care of my young son. It's so embarrassing I just hid it from my boyfriend for a long time and never explained. Been three years for us now, on and off.

The only thing that pushes me farther away is being made to feel bad for a period of time I wouldn't wish on anyone. On top of all of the overload at times I hate feeling guilty for something I have no control over and don't really want to go through anyway, so whatever you do just realize he's doing what he has to and it's not a personal attack. More than likely he's embarrassed to tell you what's up.

I feel so guilty on my own, I'm sure he does too. I'm so sorry I make my boyfriend feel this way and I'm sorry you are feeling so neglected. I hope everything goes well, you sound like an amazing girlfriend and I'm betting your boyfriend knows how lucky he is I know how lucky I am, going to work harder on being an attentive girlfriend!

I can totally understand where you're coming from. Yeah I can see him probably being embarrassed about talking to me about the whole thing. I do wish that he could be comfortable enough with me to talk about it though. I have let him know I have been reading about Aspergers but he didn't really say much about me wanting to know more, I guess he doesn't mind and just maybe doesn't feel like he wants to talk about it at all which I understand and respect.

I have found it's somehow a lot easier talking to other aspies about it and seeing their point of views on it all. I have one other friend who has Aspergers and we've had lots of conversations about how he sees things. It's really interesting to learn and it tends to clear up a lot of things when I hear or read about the way other aspies are feeling and I don't know why but it somehow helps.

Thank you for your compliments I do try hard to understand it. When I was unaware of how Aspergers effected relationships, it was a nightmare and I was completely confused! I think the best thing I did was research it because I feel better the more I know and the more I can cope with things like this.

Actually, the more I think about this the worse I feel for my perception of everything. We went through a hard time living together and I didn't understand at all that when I withdrew I made him feel so horrible...I thought, that's weird why does he want to be "up my butt all the time"? (Sorry, just conveys the connotation I'm going for.)

I thought, he's so possessive and eventually thought he was controlling and verbally abusive...but I'm starting to see my role in this better. I know what you mean about learning what's going on, thirty years old and only just found out a year ago about Asperger's. It was a total nightmare!

I emailed this thread to my boyfriend and maybe you could do the same? Do you think that would help give him an understanding of your perspective? It's so crazy the scenarios are so similar, your post and perspective is literally priceless.

Haha you really made me laugh with that I think the best thing for your boyfriend would also be to read up about aspergers if he hasn't already. I have so far only read 2 books but it has definately helped me out. I have read a book called The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome by Maxine Aston which was very informative, I did find it to be very broad with the knowledge though, because the book was trying to cover all Aspies on the spectrum from high functioning to low functioning. Although this is a really good book to start out with, as it explains exactly what Aspergers is and how it effects different people. I found the book to be very short, but it is an absolute keeper and one I always look back to.

I have also read and finished Aspergers: A Love Story by Sarah Hendrickx. Although, I felt this more to be a story and it did have some points in the book where I could relate but it wasn't really a self help book and more like a story. Although there were some parts I could certainly relate to with the author.

The book that I am currently reading is called Connecting With Your Asperger Partner: Negotiating the Maze of Intimacy by Louise Weston, which really has helped me understand and clear up a lot of things which I always used to worry about. I think reading is the best thing you can do to learn more and also talking to other Aspies. I do think that your boyfriend will definately start to see things better when he has a better understanding, I certainly did.

To be honest, the best thing I did was read about Aspergers because these books have taught me how to communicate properly with my boyfriend and how to relate to him again. When I was following the book's advice I felt as if things were getting a lot better, less misunderstandings and he was also more willing to make lots of interesting conversations with me So these books do really help as long as you keep being patient and following the advice the books give. The books completely change the NT's mind set and it helps them to understand it a lot better. It is also natural for the NT to slip back into old habits, as I have done so in the past as in getting impatient but it does get better with time the more you follow the right mindset.

Of course, I will do the same. It is certainly a good idea to give him a bit of insight to how I feel when this happens.

Hi im new to this. My boyfriend told me at the beg of our relationship that he has aspergers. When he told me I said ok and kind of shrugged it off. there were times at the beg that he would be short in his replys to me and that would be a couple days, it sucked but I got over it and figured maybe he needed time to self no biggie. Things have went well and I honestly never thought of his aspergers. A couple of weeks ago he went through a stressful event. He started becoming short with me again but I chalked it up to the event. He still was talking to me lsat week but last friday he started ignoring my text and call. I sent him some texts fri and sat about him ignoring me, no response so sunday I decided to give him space and as I was thinking realized that I forgot about his aspergers, and I prob shouldn't be so pushy. So the next day I text him that I was sorry if I was stressing him out even more, and that if I didn't lose him I want to learn how to be there for him and that I love him so much. He finally responded that he still is deeply in love with me and that I did not lose him and that he does not want me to feel like I did anything wrong. That is all he sent me monday. Than this morning I texted him good morning love and he said good morning my best friend. Later today I sent him a text saying I got a interview for where I want to work, and he responded WOW!:) and than ignored me the rest of the day. I understand that its guys aspergers putting up this barrier and I love him so much, and I know I can be there for him, but I guess im confused how to be there for him. I guess being new to this and as a over analyzer my self I feel super sad. Im completely lost with if he wants to be with me or if he's trying to push me away... I know my thought sound unorginized, but I guess im just looking for some clarity.