The parents are being worrying

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As a few of you know from online, i have a girlfriend, so a few will click as to who i mean and it's a person whom i admire and love deeply, and someone whom i hope to spend the rest of my life with. She has made me very happy and i hope i've done the same

However, despite this being a very wonderful thing, my parents keep telling me to take it slow, and seem to question why i am bothering in the first place. This is because a few months back i met a friend online, before i joined here and met my girlfriend, and it was only when i got home i realised my body language had unsettled them, and got the wrong idea about me, this caused me a lot of upset, and i was conformed as depressed and placed on anti-depressiants.

The reason i am voicing my concerns is because i want to meet my girlfriend around the christmas holidays, this will mean going away for a few days, and my parents keep telling me to take it slow, don;t rush ahead, "We don't want a repeat of last time." they say, and it is fustraiting, because i know my girlfriend would not want to break my heart, and she obviously returns my feelings as she asked me out. I can understand my parents don't want me to have anothor big depressing slump, but what i can;t get them to see is that im quite sure this girl does not want to hurt me and cares for me very much. And my parents were dating within weeks of meeting, and it's been 4 weeks since i first met my girlfriend online. I want to be able to convince them, that i will be ok, i won't be hurt, i will be able to have a good, wonderful time, i will not have my heart broken and that this girlfriend cares for me back, but i can;t seem to find a way to counter them.

I really care for this girl, and i want to do everything i can for her, and i don't want to let anything stand in my way of caring for her, be it distance, family, etc. I love this person very much, abd i want this to have a happy ending, even if i do have trouble espressing my feelings or might not know how to act. Im determined ot make this work out.

I hope it's ok to ask for help, as i know there are a lot of lonely people out there, and i would not want to hurt those who have not had the same luck i have. I hope to see some replies soon I just need help to get over the parential wall. one of the toughest ones im sure. I wondered if people might be able to help me overcome it or find a way to work with them. Im happy because i carefor this girl, but they don't seem to see that im happy. Them seem pessimistic about the matter because they fear something will go wrong, and i don't think it will go wrong.

Thanks for your time.

Anyone?

You could go both at once, confidently in one choice.

Meaning yes go, but be careful in terms of yourself, and expectations.

Try to remember you can survive no matter what happens, and you should be fine!

lfe is about getting your heart broken some times...it's how we learn,AS or NT.Of course your parents dont want you to get hurt,I'm sure it's hard on them as well,but you have to take chances to get any thing from life.I say go for it and have a great time.

an online relationship? oh lord. not a good thing.

Hogwash. I met my last girlfriend online. While we aren't together anymore (I broke up with her), she was the best match I've ever had and we're still on good terms. She's actually one of my best friends even though she's seeing someone else now. Compare this to the other two relationships I've had where I met the girls in "real" life first: both of them treated me like s**t, dumped me, and it's probably a good thing as we really didn't have anything in common aside from being hot for each other, which is something pretty common when dating "real life" people as there isn't as much evaluation of the person on internals before getting stupid over them.

So how can i convince my parents to lighten up on the matter then?

If you're a legal adult, it doesn't really matter what your parents think. Just do what you want to do and ignore them as best you can. I'm not saying that you shouldn't respect their opinion, but ultimately you have to decide what's best for you, and if you have considered their imput and rejected it, that should be the end of it in so far as worrying about their feelings on a matter like this go.

Now, as far as the issue of a fast moving relationship itself goes, I see nothing wrong with that in and of itself. In many cases, moving quickly, since it usually involves spending more time talking to and hanging out with a person than one usually might, may lead to a quicker evaluation of whether or not the relationship will last long term. It seems to me that we Aspies tend to be kind of process/results oriented, not to mention obsessive, so moving forward quickly in a love affair may in some instances be almost unavoidable for us, if our partner is willing, and more true to who we are as people than traditional slow moving courtship rituals that involve a lot of gamesmanship and subterfuge.

However, as others on the thread had alluded to, this is a girl you've only known a month, mostly online, and there is a high likelyhood it won't work out. You should try to prepare yourself to whatever extent you can for that possibility.

The reason the odds aren't great is because neurotypical women, in my experience, tend to be hiding their true selves towards the beginning of a relationship and oftentimes when they speak of commitment and love, don't really mean it in the sense that an Aspie might, at least not initially. So, the girl you see now isn't necessarily the girl you'll see in a year, if you still know her at that point. I've seen women radically seem to change personalities right around the 4-6 month mark of knowing them, with almost clockwork regularity, likely because they are moving from "Act like a different person to some degree to impress the guy" mode to "This is really who I am" mode. This is why for myself I would never under any almost circumstances, unless one of us was dying, propose marriage to someone I hadn't known for at least six months (And I am thinking 12-18 might be more optimal), even if she seemed perfect.

Also remember that she probably expects, at least subconciously, that *you'll* change somewhat eventually. Firstly, because most non-autistic men probably do change in a relationship to a degree, and secondly because sometimes women think they can affect changes that they want as time passes. However, if you're like me, you're way too stubborn to change significantly. We Aspies tend to like stability to a much great extent than NTs and they won't realize that no matter how much we tell them until they see it. I can remember explaining facets of my personality or life to people as early as a second conversation before meeting and six months later then dump me, because they say things like "Wait, you mean you *really* hate surprises?" or "Wait, you mean you *really* can't work?".

Also, as I mentioned above in less detail, when an NT says "I love you" or talks of great commitment and says romantic things, they tend to mean "My feelings are positive towards you at this moment". I think I and many other Aspies say it with greater intent than a passing thing, which can lead to a lot of confusing when a girl says "I love you and want to be with you for a long time" to us and then dumps us the next week. There is a communications gap there. Now, an NT woman might actually mean the same thing as us when she says these things, in some cases, but you won't really know until time has past and she sticks with you or not.

Now, this could work out beautiful for you. Maybe you'll marry this girl someday. And I'm all for the path you're on with meeting her and spending the holidays together and so forth. To me, your progression is logical and a good fit. You sound like me in that you get very depressed when you're dumped, but that's unavoidable for both of us, and the choice is really either get depressed or be celibate until we die, and I think it's obvious that dating is the way to go, if finding a wife is a real possibility, or maybe even if it isn't depending on stage of life and other considerations. So I say go ahead. But at the same time, you should know certain things and not go into it blind -- just remember that NTs don't think like us, in very basic ways, and don't mean the same things as us in all cases, even when they use same words. A problem I've often run into is that I just assume that women say things for the same reasons as I do and mean the same things, and I tend to get burned very badly because of it.

An interesting viewpoint, i have read it carefully over and over as it has been very useful.

Besides my parents reluctance, i suffer from immense paranoia, this is nothing personal and not the girls fault. it is because all through my life, my friends and other girlfriends have always let me down, i have been betrayed, ignored, people simply talk to me and then don't want to know me, people i have dated before let me do all the work. And i have never had a good friend for more then a couple of years, my oldest friend is one i have known for 26 months. however it's a histroy of betrayal and let downs which has let me in dire need of love and affection, my girlfriend is fufilling that, however there are times when we are silent, and i begin to worry, it's because im still getting used to the new relationship, and she is someone i really want to be with forever, and i care for deeply, she reassures me that it's fine and we will work at our problems.

To use an analogy, im like china, easily dropped and easily broken. Im mentally fragile, and sensitive. People need a lot of time to try to understasnd how i fit together, and a lot of patience to ensure i am not broken or damaged. It may take some time for me to relax, but im slowly becoming more confident, the fact she loves me and wants to be with me means a great deal and i want to make sure we have a long and happy time together. I just need to be reminded that there is nothing wrong, or i start to worry alot when it appears that things seem amiss.

In regards to my parents, i will bring the subject back up when i return from a friends 18th up in Huntingdon, which is another train trip for me. I am hoping that they will respect that it's my love life, and this is a girl i care about, and meeting her would surely serve to improve the relationship and help tihngs develop, im hoping i can even bring her back to my house for a couple of days to introduce her to my family, that i hope would erase any doubts, they claim I hardly know her, but they have never talked to her, so i don't see how they can judge what i should do with my love life, fi they don't even know the girl, at least i've bene in touch with my girlfriend, i know she is who she says she is. I trust her, and we would never hurt each other. All i want in life is a chance to show that i won't mess stuff up. one reason for my paranoia is the worry i will messs something up or make a mistake. But im slowly relaxing which i atribute to getting used to the new routine. Although she has had a very hard week, and i don't wish to burden her mroe, i guess not having as much time with her last week then i have done in previous weeks is the reason for my worried state, but with time, i hope i will get used to things, im would be very sure we have a bright future together

Not saying you shouldn't visit her on a holiday.

Just consider that:
a) Holidays can be very stressful for families
b) You'll be 'abandoning' your family for the holiday
c) There will be more than usually amount of her family that you'll need to interact and be friendly with

Here's a quick test - keep answer to yourself
Do you know the names of her family members that will be visiting?

As a compromise, would you be willing to visit her the weekend before Christmas weekend?

Since you haven't met her in real life yet, I really advise staying overnight.
It's best that your first meeting be limited to a few hours.
That way, if it doesn't work out, neither of you is trapped.

What does your friend think about this?

Anyways, good luck.

Oye vey.

online relationships.

I don't knwo what's worse.


my advicce?

play it smooth.

Im trying, the fact is her family won't be visiting her, although developments last night have made me very uneasy and cautious, and im not sure what i should be doing right about now. I was planning of visiting before the 25th, although im starting to think about what is right. Something feels wrong and i don't like it.

Hey I'm in an online relationship as well and have been in it 4 years. Only met her once which was 5 months ago and she's coming to visit my place around christmas too.


She already bought the ticket and she's coming the day right after christmas so she could spend christmas with her family.. I would reccomend you do that as well if your family wants to spend christmas with you or something.

Keep them in the dark
dont talk to them unless you have to
make your own decisions