friends then lovers then he shut down completely

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Me NT, him Aspie. We met 2 years ago. Good friends for 1.5 years.Roommates while platonic but it was getting intense. He moved out. Got all touchy, huggy, kissy then sexual + romantic increasingly over the spring and summer. He has said "i love you" and "i love you, too" to me about 200 times on chat, in person, in bed, via texts.
We've slept together and had sex (he was a very sweet and generous giver of pleasure) at least 10 times and even traveled this summer together on vacation. When I tried to have the "relationship" conversation and discuss how to accept our friendship growing into being lovers, he told me could never be my lover or boyfriend, only my friend with benefits and then he stated he only said "i love you" or "i love you, too" or "xoxoxoxoxoxoxo" to me because it was socially acceptable and he doesn't even know what love is. He said he cared for me but only as a friend and he isn't willing to catagorize. When I got emotional/upset about him LYING that he loved me and spending months saying false words, which added to my increasing affection and desire for him, he shut me out by blocking my emails, texts, and AOL chat. It's been two weeks of hell for me. Comments? Advice?

p.s.
the night before he blocked all my access to him, he said we are close, i am closer to him than anyone but he doesn't want to have an emotional attachment. when i gave him some definition of emotional attachment online, he said we are ALL those things- so when i logically deduced we are emotionally attached, he freaked out and said NO, we are just friends, blah blah.

anyway, i really care for him and miss him and miss the sex. i have a bunch of his stuff at my house and i sure miss our sunday bike rides and park outings.

very sad. been calling and trying to convince him to talk to me and tell me all the reasons he wants to end our communication/relationship/friendship whatever it is but i guess he's deleting the calls and not listening ...

He sounds like an as*hole, or he is following some misguided and false social rules and expectations.

which "misguided and false social rules and expectations" would he be following? thanks.

Is he in denial?

It sounds like he doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about him... if that's the case, hard as it might be, it's probably best to move on.

i wish he was in denial- i guess he's just a thoughtless player who "hit it and quit it."

Let him go.

Look, you had doubts about the relationship (at least I'm assuming that's why you had a conversation about the status of it). Most couples hit the acceptance of bf/gf status long before the declaration of love stage, but you two kinda reversed that. I take it that your instincts kicked in and prompted you to have the "relationship" conversation. That was a smart move to make.

The next smart move I hope you make is to accept the answer you got. I have no sympathy for this guy. While he may indeed not "know what love is," that's not what he led you to believe. When you told him you loved him the first time, he should have been honest with you (either told you he didn't understand love, admitted that he only wanted an FOB, whatever...). But he was getting laid, and he lied to keep getting laid. Now that you confronted him with the damage he's done, he's cut you out of his life.

So....he lied, he manipulated, and now he's run away from the consequences....oh, and he has Asperger's. IMO, he behaved the way he's behaved because he's a liar and a manipulator and a load - not because he has Asperger's. He's not the man you though he was; he's not the man you deserve, and again - IMO - that has nothing to do with his neurological status. But now you know who he is, so do what you can to stop feeding the feelings you had for the man you thought he was - that man doesn't exist. You can't have a relationship with a man you can't trust - and he completely violated your trust. Hon, you're going to have to save yourself here, because he won't. Let him go.

To me, it sounds like he has learned about relationships by looking at society and has tried to follow what he thinks is normal. Though I understand how upsetting it is for someone to use those words without meaning them, I don't believe he did it to intentionally mislead and hurt you.

As for him not talking to you, maybe he is awkard and nervous now. Or maybe he had an idea of what he needed to do socially but it's all fallen through and he now just dosen't know what he's meant to do.

I can only guess, of course, but judging by how the Aspie mind works, that all seems likely.

thanks everyone. this is really painful for me. appreciate all comments/suggestions. please keep them coming.

It could be that he cared intensely at first, but perhaps he didn't know himself and how well the personalities mixed, or he just realized he didn't want a relationship, but was so caught up in the physical attraction part that he didn't think it through. AS men aren't any less culpable when you get down to it and it's definitely his fault and he's perhaps unable to escape the guilt.

Or....

If you noticed a sense of entitlement in him (did he complain when things didn't go his way?) he might just continue to use the people close to him to get what he wants. But this is one of the worst types out there, think about it... he has the AS banner so people will suspect less of him, he feels like he has a solid case (like nobody will ever figure him out) and it doesn't seem like he cares who's affected on the way.

That's the best and worse case scenarios I can think of, and I know it doesn't change the way you feel, but even the worst feelings become old-news after awhile, I hope you see better days.

of course, i want to believe that he is wracked with guilt or in denial or crying his eyes out over refusing to admit we have real love but i would be deluding myself. he's apathetic and indifferent.

i would love to get all his stuff out of my house but i'm not going to "stalk" him and show up uninvited to return it all. my heart is definitely broken and if he did come back, how could i ever trust his words again?

Wow.. What to say.....

A lot of that seems familiar to me. I am not saying that guy is like me but, I too have had a great deal of trouble in this area lately. I was diagnosed late so I am trying to understand all those emotional and relationship things, and it is very hard because whenever I start to be friends with a girl they seem to assume I want a relationship. Whether I do or not, I know I'm not really up to it. But it's really tempting to just go with it. I mean if they show interest why not roll with it right? It's just for me it seems that knowing that I will probably not be able to give support in ways a relationship needs it makes sense that I shouldn't rush ahead So it's a dilemma I guess, use people for experience, or push them away early. I have had to do that more than once now, and each time I have to make them think I'm an as*hole or something and I lose another friend, so it always sucks. I don't even know if it's really better anymore, I mean people use each other all the time, so maybe that's just life, maybe our lack of empathy can be an advantage

Sorry, I wasn't really trying to make a coherent point there, it's just that the situation was similar enough, I'd like to think that maybe there is a chance in hell my experiences might provide some insight. I've unwillingly hurt enough people in my life that I like to think that at least I TRY to do well

Regards,
TV

PS: I really hope things work out for you!

perhaps he believes a relationship will 'tie him down' in some ways? After all I've heard of guys who have had girlfriends who will forbid them certain trivial things.

Some guys may assume that a relationship to a woman means a license to run his life, and they don't want that.

shebakoby, definitely not the case here (i never forbid him anything) but you do make a valid point in general.