A meditation on love, dating and the walls we erect

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I've done the online dating thing for a number of years now, and I feel I've gained some insights into dating, love, human nature, the world around us.

I marvel at how many people's loneliness is seemingly self inflicted. They seek an ideal they see on magazine covers, and chase phantoms and illusions. We all seem to choose people based on their features, accessories, luxury options, to where the entire process has become a terribly dehumanizing endeavor. What's inside, our souls, our personalities, matter less and less.

It is a shopping list for love, and if one doesn't fit, a wall of separation is erected. Too tall, too short. Too fat. Too skinny. Not enough education. Not paid enough. Not the right skin tone. Must be a christian, must be a vegetarian, must be a liberal, must be a conservative.

So many requirements, so many hurdles. What happened to getting to know someone? What happened to courtship? What happened to opposites attracting?

How many might have missed their true love, because their true love was one inch too short, ten pounds overweight, or enjoyed a little red meat?

I have been on dates with women who I would've been thrilled to learn more about. To see where things went. To let things progress organically. But romance has ceased to be organic. It is now as processed and sterile as anything. And so in my case the romance was killed. In one case I was told by the other person that she was going on a series of first dates to see which one she liked. Dating is a consumer goods transaction, a bit of comparison shopping. It's all about test driving various models.

We are not human. We are simply goods to be traded and chosen and discarded at will. I am beginning to see the wisdom in arranged marriage, because in such an institution it is not about finding your love, but growing to love the one to whom you are bound by fate. It is any wonder half of all marriages fail? Half of us will be returned for a refund, discarded.

Oh what a world it would be, if we took dating less seriously than we did buying a house or car, and simply went with the flow.

On the one hand, you may be right that people are too narrow in their search. On the other hand, the fact the people do not stay their entire life together is not necessarily a problem. If there are no children left aside, if the separation is made early enough, I suppose it can go well. I would say that the fundamental problem about not lasting relationships is about relationships. Accept differences.

Good topic. I can't wait to hear some of the responses.

I've never been able to stomach the idea of online dating. Something about examining people like a prepackaged product while others do the same to you.

I've always thought that relationships should develop organically, through shared interest and personal chemistry. Not because someone answered 78% of the questions on the questionnaire the same way I did and we like each other's profile pictures.

Yes, I guess I am old fashioned.

Yeah there are so many people I would've been thrilled to get to know, yet it never happened, because they always had some silly deal breaker. Like that vegetarian gal. Sheesh, does your mate have to be exactly like you? Open yourself up to life a little! Open up your worldview.

But I shouldn't dump on vegetarians. Not nearly as bad or judgmental as Christians.

* atheist facepalm* pot. kettle. black!

What's pot kettle black about that? For one thing don't assume I'm an atheist.

For another, I'm perfectly accepting of Christians, so long as they don't try to change me or who I am...which ain't many. Even in high school, the only time the Christian twats on my cross country team ever invited me to anything was their religious group. And I said no to the f*****s, because I could tell they didn't regard me as a friend to go out and party with or see a movie or hang out, I was just a little project for them since they knew I was a skeptic.

I'm the atheist.
And you deal with a group of people that you feel are judgemental by categorizing them all as judgemental people. Does that not make you judgemental yourself? Unfortunately, you will get convertaholics that will ironically breach their morals in order to teach you them and get you to convert but they don't account for everybody.

I like your opening post, btw. It's something that has only changed since a certain date in 2001. And it's a real shame. I too believe a lot of loneliness is self inflicted.

That's great provided there are actually people you are interested in that share your interests.. I could do my weekly rounds of the places I spend time and never come across a girl, let alone one I found attractive. So, there ya go. It's basically online dating or bust for me.

It's all so strange. I feel I have a lot to offer a woman. I cook, I love shopping for antiques (and restoring them), and most sports disinterest me. Yet so far that has proven unappealing?

I feel the same way- Im a woman who loves sports, doesn't care much about romance and valentines day....I earn my own money and I cant seem to get a date...

what are you doing tomorrow night?



-------------------- "Speak to us of Love."---------------------------------



When love beckons to you

follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Last edited by Surfman on 31 Jul 2012, 5:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Post script: I've joined an on-line dating site. I've become such a hypocrite in my old age. Anyway, it's been an interesting experience so far. Haven't met anyone yet, but have exchanged greetings with a couple of people.

I'm a Christian but I'm not one that wishes to convert people, nor am I bad or judgmental as you put it... plus there is a PPR area so I'd try not to slant races for their sake.

Guilty of shopping for dates myself. Trust me, I won't respond to someone that I don't find attractive either through what they say in their profile or through their pictures. I am not going to deny that one bit. I also don't reply if the person (regardless of how hot they are) sends me a message that says "Hey, What's up?" Mind you I only get messages say... once in a blue moon and I don't message anyone myself. I read tons of profiles and I read a grocery list of reasons why a woman won't reply to a man. And people on the forums on these sites said my profiles were unappealing. At least I am not negative on my profile with words like "I will not respond if you like TV shows such as Dexter." or "I will not reply if you like to eat cheese" What the f*** does that have to do with dating?
I pretty much agree with the OP on this topic. Dating is taken way too seriously now. I don't even find dating to be any fun. I prefer meeting people through friends if given the invitations to do so. Much more fun to meet people in person, rather than through an online e-mail first. Not to mention, Tons of people badly misrepresent themselves in online dating through their photos (don't match the person you met on a date), or through their written profiles (attention seeking, wanted to be something they weren't, etc.)

Its funny, IRL women are attracted to me (good face, but then I open my mouth and spoil it.....) but online I am totally lost and cant even be bothered making a good profile

I sound bad, but look good. More importantly is how you feel..... which can only be experienced IRL.....

This week at the supermarket, an infant looked into face, run up to me, and threw herself down on the floor at my feet, blocking my progress. Dogs cats and kids like me, so I'm happy with that

I hate online dating with a vengeance.... die die die ugly dating site die

You can always have a friend create your profile for you. I was hoodwinked...uh...helped by a friend of mine. Married people love try to set up their single friends, I guess because misery loves company. Poor thing, I snarled at her the entire time, but I am sort of having fun with it.

I think online dating is a lot like buying CDs. The picture on the cover grabs your attention, you look at the back and if you see enough songs you like, you try the CD. Now that I think of it, it is a little dehumanizing.